The Daily Christian

How I Save Money - Groceries

2012-02-04T22:21:00.004-07:00

[This will be the first in a series of blog posts that were inspired by my friend Samantha.]

I have much to learn, but I am a pretty thrifty little gal when you get right down to it, so I have been invited share some of my "secrets" to saving money. I will start in a very obvious place...the grocery store!

1. Choose a store with the lowest prices overall. Shopping around and driving all over town just mostly drives me crazy and takes a lot of time and energy for not much return. After shopping at Mi Pueblo, Safeway, Target and Trader Joe's, we've finally decided that Trader Joe's all on it's own, while not perfect, is the best store for us. No coupon clipping, mostly healthy stuff, low prices.

2. Caveat to rule #1 - if you have a collection of stores like a bakery, deli, and fruit and veg stand close together in your city or town, disregard rule #1 and shop specialty. Something happened to me during uni in Australia...I realized that I actually couldn't afford to shop at a grocery store...it was TOO EXPENSIVE! Totally crazy to think about now, but what could I do instead? On the way home from uni (walking...the bus was too expensive too...I'm serious), I would stop at the bakery, deli and fruit and veg stand and get all the things I needed for much cheaper.

3. This is a little bit neurotic, but I try never to spend over $3 on any one item. Try it sometime! (You'll always have a few items over, but try it anyway.)

4. Plan your meals. This is invaluable. I subscribe to one or more cooking magazines, but you don't need to pay for that, actually, since there are so many cooking websites out there. I plan three or four meals per week and then eat leftovers for lunches. I like to use Rachael Ray recipes (www.rachaelraymag.com) because they are usually simple and quick. Not the fanciest, but you do what works for you!

5. Speaking of cooking websites, www.allrecipes.com has become a new favorite. This is not only because of its extensive collection of recipes of all kinds, but because of a special feature they have where you can type in ingredients that you have on hand and search for recipes that way! The reason this is so awesome for me is that this is the way I can stretch the ingredients I have on hand to make quick weeknight dinners in the interim between shopping trips.

6. Again dove-tailing into the above is using similar ingredients in multiple recipes so that you don't have to buy such a wide variety of individualized ingredients. This doesn't have to be boring (chicken again??) unless you let it. It doesn't have to be the main ingredient that is similar...something I do often is using the same fresh herbs in multiple recipes. Buying fresh herbs can be pricey and I find that you never, ever use the whole thing that you buy in just the one recipe!! However, you can put fresh thyme on a zucchini pizza and fresh thyme in chicken and wine and not get bored.

7. This one may upset some people (my husband included), but a surefire way to save BIG money on groceries? Skip the meat. Sorry, carnivores. However, you can save a bit of money by doing one or two meatless meals a week and see how that goes. Maybe the savings will taste good enough to continue the practice!

8. Shop and eat in-season and local produce as much as possible. You'll save money and it's better for the environment, etc, etc... Though something in human nature may crave a juicy fresh mango in the middle of winter, you're really gonna pay for it. Try to resist.

9. Similarly, try to resist a lot of fun, colorful packaged and processed products. It is so, so expensive for what it is! It's like paying someone to increase your doctor bills. As an example, your kid doesn't need fruit roll-ups in their lunch box...in-season fruit will be much cheaper and healthier. Another example is microwave popcorn. That stuff is SUPER bad for you (weird chemicals in the bag, amazing amounts of sodium and fat), but not only that, you can buy a half pound bag of popcorn kernels for a quarter the price of a box of the "fake" stuff. So easy to make at home and takes pretty much the same amount of time!

10. Buy from bulk bins whenever possible. Flour, beans, oatmeal, nuts and much more can be bought for amazing prices when they are not pre-packaged for you. Bulk bins are not found just anywhere anymore, disappointingly, but if you can find a place that has this option, you're golden.

These are my top ten that I can think of off the top of my head.
Hopefully this is helpful! Think smart, get disciplined, develop good shopping habits. You'll be lining your pockets with extra cash in no time!

Any more tips? Leave me a comment!

Home Economics

2012-01-17T14:24:00.006-07:00

Origin of the word "economy" - Middle French yconomie, from Medieval Latin oeconomia, from Greek oikonomia, from oikonomos household manager, from oikos house + nemein to manage- Merriam Webster Dictionary, m-w.com. (Special thanks to my friend Jordan Capps for partially inspiring this post)

So, I've been seeing these ads in magazines and on TV from Honda. They are advertising their vehicles with a new campaign that basically says, "I want to accomplish _________ before I have kids." (I guess a Honda would help me do these things? Not sure what the point is, but anyway...) Some things on the list in the advertisement are "take up archery, go mountain uni-cycling, march in a Mardi Gras parade" and it goes on from there.

This got me thinking about the fact that I now have a kid. I am now "chained down" and can't go anywhere or do anything because of said shackles. Not to mention the ol' ball and chain I'm married to. All that's left for me is to practice my little home economics experiments and wait to be an empty-nester so I can get my freedom back. (I'm being facetious, of course.)

On the subject of "home economics", recently I was reminded of an alternate meaning of the word "economy".
I think this definition describes it:
"Theology.
a. the divine plan for humanity, from creation through redemption to final beatitude.
b. the method of divine administration, as at a particular time or for a particular race."

And funnily enough right after that one: "Obsolete . the management of household affairs." (www.dictionary.com)

Where am I going with all this? I'm a bit fuzzy on it myself, but it has something to do with a bigger picture, a bigger plan, the sovereignty of God, and the home. It has to do with God's plan for me as a wife and mother. It has to do with my husband's and my plan, our ECONOMY, for our household and our child and future children.

I hope I can say this without sounding snotty, sanctimonious or self-righteous, but here goes:
It has become plain to me, in my life, that all these "things" I want/wanted to accomplish before marriage and kids are nothing. They are selfish, a chasing after the wind. What's important in this world? People. Love. And which people has God given me to love first and foremost if not my husband and my child?

I am not ashamed to be a housewife, an "obsolete" manager of household affairs. When you think about it, this is a big deal. I'm raising up small people who will one day be big people with ambitions and plans of their own. I've concluded that guiding their little minds is more important than all the Mardi Gras parades or all those mountains that will be untouched by my unicycle. I'm so glad I didn't wait forever trying to accomplish silly things before investing myself in something much bigger than myself and my own desires.

For Unto Us a Child is Born

2011-12-19T15:47:00.004-07:00

Having a kid at Christmas is great. He will never remember his first Christmas, but I'm still just a little bit excited to see presents from family accumulating under the tree. Presents that I or his dad will open for him, of course. So really, baby's first Christmas is much more about his parents' joy and delight than our child's.

But as the gifts under the tree stack up higher, I am brought again to a subject that I've thought a lot about, as a Christian and now as a parent: What will our family Christmases look like in the future, as (god-willing) more children are added to the brood? Will we tell our children that a fat man in a red suit delivers gifts to them and all other children on Christmas? Will we limit our Christmas celebration to a few gifts under the tree? What about Advent? What about baby Jesus? What about needy kids?

So many things to ponder. I think my hubs and I agree that our kids will not "believe in Santa", in the traditional sense. We like the idea of St. Nicholas, and telling our children about this friendly saint who is the patron of children and gave gold coins to the poor. This, in turn, can be a springboard for shifting our kids' focus from themselves to others at Christmas and always.

On this subject, my husband and I have yet to talk at length, but I think we are already setting a precedent by not buying our baby any gifts for Christmas this year. Well, technically we bought him a doorway jumper way back in October and said, "It can be for Christmas". That was 40 bucks and we haven't spent any more on the little guy. When family wants to shower him with gifts, especially on his first Christmas, I will not object or do anything rash like give all the gifts away to needy kids. But I do think that we will end up perhaps getting one gift for each child in the future and then try and focus on ways to serve needy families in the holiday season.

Of course, as a pastor's family, we will also introduce the birth of Christ as the focal point of the holiday of Christmas, and build into our traditions this important precept. I love the idea of celebrating Advent, or the season leading up to the actual holiday. To me, it imbues the whole month of December with a sense of awe and anticipation to celebrate God becoming a little baby, being born in a manger to a regular Jewish family to be raised among men. (Read a version of the Christmas story here!)

Christmas is truly one of the most wonderful times of the year, and I think as our economy continues to be unstable, people are truly realizing how gross the excesses of holidays past have been. There is a photo circulating on Facebook that juxtaposes shoppers, arms filled with "stuff", with a photo of hungry African children, holding out their hands for a scrap of food. The caption reads, "Define Need". Thought-provoking, humbling, and hopefully brings me to true repentance of materialism and greed all year round.

In the end, for the Christian, this holiday is about our God being born among us as a little child, shedding the glory of His heavenly presence to incarnate in human form. It is mind-boggling, and deserves the sense of awe that many children feel when ogling a tree-full of presents on December 25. For without His birth, there could never be His death.

Without His death, we could never truly have life.

Merry Christmas!

A Glorious Inconvenience

2011-08-02T13:09:00.003-06:00

Hubby and I have got a very new, very large inconvenience happening in our life these days.

He moved into our room a little over two weeks ago. He screams sometimes until he gets his way. He's super-needy. He demands to be fed about every three hours, including in the middle of the night. I have to wipe his eyes, nose and butt for him.

His name is Calvin James, and he has shifted my whole world and given me a new normal.

I love him more than almost anything!

While it is true that children are an extreme "inconvenience", what with all their neediness and mess, they are what Mark Driscoll calls "a glorious inconvenience". I understand this now. And like many things about the parent/child relationship, I can see a very large insight into the God/child relationship that I wasn't fully aware of until we produced a squalling little inconvenience of our own.

It's hard to believe, but God loves me with the same tender love that I direct to Calvin...but perfect. So he doesn't get mad when I drop my pacifier while I'm screaming or eat my hands instead of the food that is being offered. He doesn't get surprised or frustrated when I make a giant mess of things. He isn't really annoyed if I decide I need Him in the middle of the night. I've only known Calvin for three weeks, and I love him more than I thought I would. God has known me since the beginning of time (for lack of a better term, because He had no beginning!) and loves me immeasurably more than I can fathom!

These new insights are mere glimpses and shadows of a greater truth. I'm so thankful for my little inconvenience, even as he screams and I try to type with one hand! I can't wait for all the wonderful surprises that are in store for me as I continue the journey of motherhood!

Commencing Countdown

2011-06-17T11:05:00.002-06:00

As I'm looking at my little pregnancy app this morning and it is telling me that I have 2 weeks and 5 days until my due date, the reality of motherhood is slowly beginning to dawn on me. For the past few days I've kept telling my baby to hurry up, only to mentally check myself and think...these are my last days of "freedom". I should really be living in the moment, enjoying these last little kicks and jabs and time to nap, clean and take a shower whenever I want!

I have had a really blessed pregnancy, and I'm hoping this carries over into labor and delivery, but once this baby begins his descent, well...I realize all bets are off.

And so, with one more shortened week of work ahead of me, I then face some time to just wait. The reality is that Calvin could really enjoy being in the womb and decide to stay there for another month before the docs would do anything to help him along. A MONTH! I could be waiting around for what feels like forever!

So, what should I do with my free time after next week? I live in a small apartment, so there's only so much cleaning to be done (although the place needs it!). I'm sure there will be some lazy movie-watching and napping going on. But what else? What should I do to fill my days? Any moms, I would appreciate your thoughts or experiences. Or, anyone else who is a professional at filling time with amusing things...anyone retired and want to tell me what you do to fill days? I'd like to not waste them!

19 days and counting...

Important Questions

2011-05-04T11:19:00.002-06:00

My pastor wrote this blog and it is a beautiful, well thought out, and biblical answer to the question posed by a six-year old in church this past week, "What happens to a one-year-old who dies?"

Read and be blessed.

Operating Instructions

2011-04-11T13:16:00.002-06:00

I just finished reading Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year by Anne Lamott this morning. Fabulous book, and it got me thinking...

In it, the author is determined (in a funny way, not too much a scary way) to instill in her son from infancy the political ideals that she holds to. She whispers her liberal rhetoric in his ears as he sleeps and nurses. She thinks she will turn him into a brilliant opposition leader someday.

In a similar way, having a kid reminds of the feeling I would get every time I moved schools when I was a kid (which was a LOT): I could start over completely and be whomever I wanted to be! I could re-invent myself as something different than I was before! Of course, this never really worked out for me. I was always the nerdy, funny, slightly off-kilter redhead, no matter where I went. But the feeling was there...this infinite power in my grasp to remold myself and change my destiny. There is a little piece of me that feels that sense of power when I think about Calvin and how I can mold him into who I want him to be.

Then again, I've seen enough to realize that this won't necessarily work out for me, either. Just because I want Calvin to have his dad's smarts and my sense of humor, and to inherit easy-going ways from both his parents, well...that's not necessarily how this all works! I get that.

But I also know that there are some things that I wish Calvin to know and grasp right out of the hopper. For instance, I want him to know his Creator. I want him to know that life is not about rules and regulations, but about loving God and loving people in ways both tangible and intangible. I want him to have great faith and great humor in equal quantities so that he can deal with devastating blows as they come, because I know they will. I want him to really know these things in a way that effects the way he thinks and makes decisions and lives his entire life.

How this all shakes out, of course, remains to be seen. Perhaps I should be praying for that great faith and great humor in equal quantities as I raise my son. I think I'm going to need them!

Just In Time

2011-04-05T14:24:00.002-06:00

Hubs and I have got about 13 weeks, give or take, until we are officially parents of an official out-in-the-world baby. The thought takes my breathe away (maybe half from awe and half from hyperventilation)!

Because our little bebe has pretty developed hearing these days, I've decided to read out loud to him in the mornings from this great little book called The Jesus Story Book Bible. This is the mother of all children's bibles and every time I read a story from it, I cry and remember all the wonderful things God has done. It is perfect in its simplicity, and profound in its childlike wording.

The other day I read the story of Abraham and Isaac. For those of you not familiar, you might not see why I was dreading reading this story, so I will recap. Abraham is chosen by God to be the father of the nation of Israel, God's special covenant people. He promises to make Abraham's line great in number and in standing. To this end, God grants Abraham and his wife Sarah little boy, even though they are both in their 90s! Then God asks Abraham the unthinkable...to sacrifice his son Isaac on an altar. In the end, Abraham's willingness was enough and God spared Isaac and gave the pair a ram to sacrifice instead as an offering to Him.

As you might imagine, reading about sacrificing one's only son is a little traumatizing for a pregnant lady. But the part that struck me in the story was that God provided an alternative sacrifice "just in time".

Sometimes I feel like God is doing everything "just in time", keeping everyone biting their fingernails on the edge of their seats seeing if He will come through. But the older I get, I realize that God does all things in HIS time, and that it is perfect. It isn't sliding into home plate just before the ball hits, or getting back to your car just as the cop takes out his pen for your ticket. It's PERFECT timing, considering all possible iterations in the universe (He is God, after all).

That just made me feel a lot better about becoming a parent, for some reason. I didn't get pregnant by accident...God gave me a baby and He gave my baby ME as a mom. I have a wonderful Father who has provided me and will continue provide me with everything that I need, just in time.

Christian Bumper Stickers Make People Want to Punch You

2011-03-19T08:52:00.003-06:00

Hey Christians,

I want to have a short word with you...

Your bumper stickers suck. Don't take this personally, because I know those are the only bumper stickers they make for Christians. But I can tell you that, even as a Christian, these not-as-pithy-as-we-think statements usually make people want to punch us in the face, not come to Jesus or ask about our next church function. If you have a story of when someone actually asked you about "your boss, the Jewish carpenter", or admitted to you that upon looking at your bumper they realized that they had "no Jesus, no peace", then come and talk to me and I will apologize to you personally. However, I don't think that's going to happen.

A popular bumper sticker saying that irks me the most of all is "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven." I can't really say why this of all the others bothers me so.
Possibly because it just sounds arrogant and rude, coming from no context of relationship.
Possibly because it sounds like we're answering an accusation before it has actually been voiced to us personally, and therefore sort of desperate and try-hard.
Most likely because I feel like it is supposed to somehow give us a lame excuse to swerve in and out of traffic, cut people off, and generally be obnoxious on the road, and when people get mad, you just point to the bumper sticker. "Sorry buddy, I'm still being sanctified. Jesus isn't finished with me yet!"
The worst part is when people quote it to you in real life. It's like, "Hey, why are you such a jerk?" "Well, Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven." End of story. No discussion allowed. Didn't you hear my pithy statement?

Sometimes I wish we would think a little harder about how we sound to people when we say these things; these canned, trained responses come from residing in the Christian bubble too long, not from gaining wisdom or any true soul-searching. Maybe the next time someone asks me why I'm such a jerk sometimes, I'll answer, "Because I'm a wretched sinner who is often judgmental and sometimes thinks I'm better than everyone else." (I hope I would quickly follow it up with "which I know is not true, I just act like it sometimes...", but at least it would be a true and thoughtful response!)

Or perhaps I should look to Scripture and try this one on for size, "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own." (Phil 3:12) Sort of like, "I know I suck, but I'm trying."

How about, "I'm sorry. I AM a jerk. Will you forgive me?" I think that instead of wanting to punch us in the face, people would respond well to that sort of statement.

I don't know. What do you think, Jesus fish? =)

Question Mark

2011-02-16T09:01:00.002-07:00

I read this quote this morning: "The gospel is not a truth among other truths. Rather, it sets a question mark against all truth." It's a quote from Karl Barth, who turned liberal theology in Germany on it's head around the time leading up to WWI. Questioning accepted truth has been the mark of great revolutionaries throughout time, and this includes Christian reformers.

But does anyone notice how uncomfortable life is with all these question marks everywhere? We as people grow comfortable with the status quo and don't like it when people begin asking pesky questions that ruin our comfortable worldview if we actually think about the answers or the implications of the answers.

I know this first hand! The life of a church planter seems to be one giant question mark. Where are we going? How will we live when we get there? Will people be receptive to the radical message of the Gospel? Will we ever be able to afford to have kids, buy a house, or go out to eat ever again?! Is there a right and a wrong way to do church? If so, how can we do it right for our context? What does loving the city truly look like? Is it as messy as it seems? (hint: YES!) Do I truly love my neighbor enough to live this kind of question mark life in order to serve him? That might be the most disturbing question of all!

I can't answer most of these questions. There they remain with their question marks behind them, a constant reminder that I am not in control over anything of importance in this life. The only thing that remains without a question mark is the Gospel and more importantly the God who orchestrated it. It is beside this truth that I must weigh all questions I have and trust the God who knows and loves me. He is the God over the all the question marks, commas, exclamation points and full stops of life, and I trust Him.

Period. :)

Oh boy!

2011-02-08T08:52:00.004-07:00

Yesterday we had our 18 week ultrasound and saw for sure and certain that our little kicky baby is a boy! I prayed that baby would be less than modest for us, and indeed the very first thing we saw on the screen we all sort of stopped and stared at... The sonographer said, "See that? Girls don't have that!" I started crying and was in disbelief, as I had convinced myself I was having a girl, although I have always wanted boys. My husband looked pretty emotional too. When we got home, he announced, "Okay. I think I'm officially excited!"

But the past few days and weeks have not been all joyous. Along with the growing love for our baby, we are experiencing a deeper and deeper love for our church family, as well. But as soon as people hit the earth outside the womb, love gets a lot messier, and at times much more painful. I've heard people say, "Ministry is difficult and you must count the cost." I had no idea what that really meant until I actually began investing my whole life into ministry.

We have moved across oceans and continents at the call of God, given up jobs we love, friendships we cherished, comfy houses and routines. Like many of my other brothers and sisters in Christ, we have put our hand to the plow and not looked back. (Luke 9:62) We have left mother and father and sisters and brothers for the sake of the gospel, and in doing so gained a whole new family in Christ.

But as always with family, or sinful humans rather, there is pain. There is heartbreak and rejection and misunderstanding and offense. It hurts. It is messy. It is painful to have dedicated your past, present and future to something, and to feel as if people don't care at all.

However, I am re-learning in Gods grace that my past, present and future isn't dedicated to an idea, and it isn't for people to approve or disapprove of for its validity. It is dedicated to the cause of Christ and His Kingdom, and it is done only out of love for Him in hopes of being lovingly approved by Him. My true, sacrificial love for people can only stem from my love from and connectedness to God, or I am laboring in vain.

Like the child kicking around in my belly, I continue to grow and be formed by my Maker, loved unconditionally, and it is eagerly anticipated that I be fully formed and mature by the time this life is over. But I've got lots more living and learning to do before that happens, hopefully. So I submit to sanctification, no matter how it hurts.

And believe me, it does.

We're on a mission from God...

2011-01-24T10:05:00.004-07:00

(Yes, the title is a Blues Brothers reference. You can laugh.)

I'd like to juxtapose two things in the ol' blog today: a phone conversation I had with a total stranger, and a sermon I heard from the mouth of my beloved husband yesterday.

Scene 1: Random man calls into the school where I work to enquire about classes for his daughter. For some reason it came out that I live very near to this school, which is in the Downtown area of San Jose. He related to me that his wife and he used to live in the city (that's San Francisco for those of you who don't live around here) right on the Haight in a cool, funky apartment. But, all that changed when they had their first child. "Of course we had to move!" he explained. I didn't fully understand why, but he kept going. He said, "Downtown living is so awesome when you are a young couple. But let me give you a piece of totally unsolicited advice [at least he was honest!]. Start looking for a house out in the cozy suburbs of San Jose now so that when your child is old enough to go to school, you are firmly established in a great school district. We are fortunate enough to send our children to private school because my wife makes gazillions, but I realize not everyone can afford that. So the thing to do is situate yourself where the good schools are so your children don't suffer. I had a friend who lived downtown and they sent their child to Horace Mann. It was terrible! She suffered! Get out of there while you still can!"

WOW! Okay, I said juxtapose, not necessarily explain so let's just cut to scene 2, Sunday morning, very cute husband preaching on one of our core values as a church: "Mission".

He explained that our God is a missional God. He has been on a mission since the beginning of time to be the God of His people and when they strayed, to bring them back to Himself. What did God do as part of His redemptive plan to save humanity? He SENT His only son, sacrificing Him out of heaven to die a horrible death on Earth. Jesus lived and moved and breathed among us. He wasn't a monk, staying outside of society. He wasn't a street corner evangelist, preaching Hellfire. He wasn't ONLY about service projects to the poor. His entire life was lived among the very people He would save.

What makes us any different as His followers? In this sermon was the marvelous example of Jeremiah 29, when Israel is in exile in Babylon. False prophets are saying to Israel, "Don't get comfortable in this disgusting city, God will send us home soon." Or we could say in modern context, "I've got my safe little box of ONLY Christian music, Christian school, Christian friends, Christian coffee houses," and on and on...in other words, let's live in a Christian ghetto where we don't engage the culture, but build our own.

In the Bible, Jeremiah is saying, NO. The Lord God says, "Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce.Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease.

But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf, for in its welfare (shalom - meaning peace, wholeness, health) you will find your welfare (shalom). Jeremiah 29:5-7 ESV

We, as a couple of missionaries, have been SENT into San Jose to live and work and have kids and send them to school and Scouts and soccer practice. We have been sent to work downtown, live there, walk through St. James Park every day, shop at Mi Pueblo, (slowly) learn to speak Spanish, eat Pho, get our hair cut for $10 by Moon, go to Martin Luther King, Jr. library, give homeless guys something to eat, and whatever else it means to be a downtown San Josean!!

That's the mission. Love the city because God loves the city. Be His hands and feet so people can clearly see His love at work. Increase, and do not decrease. We have been sent to seek the welfare of this city and intercede on its behalf, because in its peace and security, we shall find ours, but more importantly, God's glory will be made manifest.

Inspiration

2011-01-17T12:35:00.004-07:00

Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long.
- Leonard Bernstein

So, my faithful 12 followers of this blog (and perhaps a few more reading on Facebook), you probably know by now that I am pregnant with the first Baby Tenny of its generation. I'm going to try really, really hard for this not to suddenly become a pregnancy blog, I promise. Although, when a small human takes over your body, I have found that it is a bit difficult to talk about anything else, but I digress...

Inspiration to write is everywhere, but I struggle with the thought of junking up the internet with more meaningless drivel that no one really wants to read. I feel like I should have something really, really good to say before I trouble you all with reading it! (You might agree!) So that is why I tend to have such long dry spells between blog posts. But as the ever-wise Mr. Bernstein says...the wait is too long if I wait for inspiration all the time. I think I should just look around.

I was inspired in the past month to find out the gender of our baby. Now, my whole life I have clung to the thought that I would want to be surprised. Then, a week or two ago I was suddenly seized with the longing to know what was growing inside my body and what, God-willing, I will be holding in my arms in a few short months. It's not because I want to buy a lot of gender-specific crap (I'll leave that to my family and friends! ha ha), but more so because I feel like it would be a great bonding sort of thing to be able to know who I'm talking to, as much as one can know a fetus, that is.

And so, if our baby has the modesty of its mother (I won Exhibitionist of the Year Award two years running in high school...you can ask me how God allowed me to become a pastor's wife later!), it will show us the goods on February 7th during the ultrasound. We'll know if I've got a little boy Tenny or a little girl Tenny. I figure that children are one frickin' giant surprise after another, and this is but a foretaste of all the cool things that I will soon be finding out about my offspring.

I promised I wouldn't talk about pregnancy too much (although this is more about the kid than the pregnancy itself), so I will stop here. It's nice to be back, blog world.

Hopefully I'll see you again soon...

Open Note to God re: Redheads

2010-12-19T16:56:00.002-07:00

Dear God,

If I could be assured that every single one of my children would be as cute and redheaded as the little girl I saw across from me at the IHOP today, I would be content to bear girl children until Kingdom come. Otherwise, I think I might like boys, although if you could make them redheaded too, that would be great. Healthy is also good. PS Could you make the boys look like Chris? He's so cute.

Love,
Your redheaded daughter

Wisdom from Mario Andretti

2010-07-02T11:03:00.003-06:00

If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough
- Mario Andretti

I saw this quote on my Google homepage this morning and smiled. I was a Mario Andretti fan as a child simply because he was famous and Italian and actually alive today (as opposed to all the other dead famous Italians from the Renaissance, etc...), so I was pretty excited to see a little bit of Italian wisdom glowing on my computer today.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do not really want to apply this quote to driving...I think we all know my track record with that, and I don't need to be out of control behind the wheel!

But where I do need to be more out of control is in my life.

I have discovered more and more that my main idol, the main thing that drags we away from God is my own comfort. In America, comfort is King...think all the prescription drug commercials and the invention of the easy chair. If I could control everything in my life so I was living la dolce vita all the time and always full and always warm and always happy...you'd bet I would! And I certainly try.

But I don't want comfort to be my king... I want Jesus to be my King.

Hand over the controls. Get a little uncomfortable. Get your butt out there and serve other people and love them all the way to heaven. This is what I hear God saying to me these days.

If everything seems under control...maybe I'm not living as I ought. To steal a phrase from Francis Chan, I need to let a little crazy love into my life and let it permeate the way I see the world.

Haven't you heard? To be a Christian is to be a little crazy.

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 1 Corinthians 1:18

Solo de Jesus la Sangre

2010-06-13T18:39:00.004-06:00

So Chris and I are chillin' at Willow Glen, havin' some church this morning, when Tiffany comes up and says, "So I guess we're having City Church outside today!"

Whaaaaaaat?

Apparently the janitor that is supposed to let us in (bless his heart) slept in or didn't realize that church is something you do every week or something. We were completely locked out of the building for our second Sunday service in the life of City Church.

Cool.

So Tiffany and I dutifully copied some lyric sheets in lieu of powerpoint and a projector, and headed over to see what we could see at 10th and Jackson.

The City Church team really gets how to roll with the punches because our entire church service just done moved itself outside! I'm talking amps, guitars, a keyboard on the bed of a pickup truck, communion out in the full sun, the works!! I was blown away at the faithfulness of my brothers and sisters. Pastor Jason just did his thing right out there in the open, prompting passersby to look at us funny, and neighbors to come out of their houses to see what was all the commotion.

Our God is faithful to us, and therefore we try to be faithful to Him. If that means church outside, then so be it! We don't need walls to be a church, dang it! I had a feeling that if we kept quiet today and admitted defeat, the very stones would have cried out in praise to the Father. Can't let them have all the fun!

God is building His church. This is what HE did.

Solo Cristo

2010-06-07T22:12:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was a very big day in the life of City Church San Jose.

1.) It was announced to the congregation of Willow Glen Baptist Church that Jason Helveston and Chris Tenny are the candidates for their senior pastors. I am so glad that I can talk about this freely now after so much waiting and nail-biting!!

2.) City Church San Jose held its first official Sunday worship service at Grant Academy. We worshiped through fellowship with the saints, worship in both English and Spanish, holy communion, and hearing of the Word being preached. It was glorious.

I can't believe how gracious and wonderful is the God I serve! Yesterday the Word of God was preached and the name of Jesus worshiped in a place where it probably never has been before. Fifty-five souls filled the seats of the place, and voices raised to heaven to sing praises/alabazos to our God!

To any and all that have sent up a prayer or a good thought concerning City Church, the Lord has heard you and answered in mighty ways. He is building His church.

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

2010-05-14T22:19:00.002-06:00

I went to a James Taylor and Carole King concert this past week and it was excellent. I cried during "Carolina In My Mind" and teared up in "Sweet Baby James". But one song that I've heard a hundred times before really hit me in a different way, and that was "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?"

Carole King wrote the song and a 60s girl group (Shirelles) made it famous. However, I was just hit by the simple question that the song poses. It is very poignant, and who among us hasn't felt this sentiment? I haven't felt it in the same scenario that the song portrays, thank God, but I occasionally get this feeling in other situations and when I'm feeling a little bit insecure.

"I'd like to know that your love/ Is love I can be sure of"

It started me thinking about all the people in life that I feel I can be sure of. I can be sure not only of their love but of their support in so many ways. What a huge blessing! My family, my husband, and my God.

Recently, I have been hearing about a lot of health problems in my family, however. My grandma has a tumor on her spine, rendering her numb from ankles to waist. My grandpa is also having back problems, has developed arthritis, and his high cholesterol has put him at a 25% higher risk of having a heart attack in the coming years. My mom is having continuing health issues that are scary, too. All of this forces me to realize that while my family is a lasting treasure, they won't all be around forever. I could lose them in an instant or over a long period of time, but death is stealing each of us away with every moment we breathe! (Morbid, I know.)And my husband is a wonderful, beautiful man who loves me very much, but what if something should happen to him!? It's all very tenuous, is life.

"But will my heart be broken/ When the night meets the morning sun?"

These are morbid thoughts, and maybe just a bit too heavy for your average daily blog or your average Carole King song. But I couldn't help but think it. Should every comfort I have pass away in some form or another, what will remain? Who will I be? What will I have to believe in?

WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME TOMORROW?

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Amen and amen.

Commencing Countdown, Engines On...

2010-05-05T11:17:00.002-06:00

Here is the May Update for City Church, which was my responsibility to write this month. For those of you who already receive the City Church Newsletter...well, you get a sneak peek! Lucky you.

"As I write this, I have just stared for a full minute at an e-mail sent to me that says, “Service Launch in 33 days”. Thirty-three days until June 6th, when everything changes for our fledgling church yet again.

For those of you unfamiliar with the what, when, and how of church planting (and I might only half-jokingly include myself in that category!), a service launch is fancy church-planter language for beginning our first Sunday worship gathering. This is a very big deal in the life of a church - its public birth, you might say. This is when we go around putting door-hangers in our target neighborhoods, start talking up City Church with a vengeance all around town, and praying like our lives depended on it. Because it does, really!

A “launch” is as important as it sounds because it establishes so much of our church’s DNA: where we’ll meet, how we’ll meet, how long will the service be, what kind of songs will we sing, will we be bi-lingual, will we offer childcare, will we feed people who come to us, what will we preach?

Of course, most of those things we are able to shift and change as we learn and grow as a church that offers a Sunday service. But that last one must not ever change. The answer to the question, “What will we preach?” is the most important question of all. Will we preach Jesus Christ and Him crucified, or will we go about spouting buzzwords like “hope” and “change”? Will we boldly declare the Gospel, as we should? Or will we be so intimidated that we decide on something safe, like preaching tolerance for everything and everyone until we don’t know what we believe in anymore?

Of course, my prayer and yours for City Church should be that we are bold in the face of the Enemy. Since we crash-landed here eleven months ago, we have not ceased to claim the city of San Jose for Christ, knowing that not even the gates of hell can stand against the Kingdom that God is building; His Church, His Bride.

As the countdown continues, we beg you to be in prayer with us for the souls of this city. In the end, all those other questions are just noise. Be in prayer especially for Pastor Jason, who will be preaching on that Sunday. I leave you with a verse that I’ve heard him repeat over and over, and gives me faith in where our church is going:

“1Cr 9:16 Yet when I preach the gospel, I cannot boast, for I am compelled to preach. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!”

Holding Pattern

2010-05-03T09:39:00.006-06:00

You are probably thinking to yourself (four followers of this blog): Cassie is still alive? She is bothering to write on this silly, forgotten thing??

So obviously the answer to both of those questions is YES! I am alive, and in fact, freshly another year older (26 to be exact). Are birthday resolutions a real thing? If so, this sad and lonely blog is one of them.

The main reason I have not been writing a blog is that I have been feeling lately that I have no story to tell. Why litter the internet with more meaninglessness and frivolity? I don't have a baby, I'm not planning a wedding, and I don't have a clever idea about cooking with Julia Child. Nothing is happening, so I can't really write about nothing.

You may be thinking, "But you've moved out to San Jose to plant a church...that's got to be exciting! Why don't you write about that?" And you would be right. It is exciting. But so many exciting things about church planting are very intangible or else really not exciting-sounding when you write them down.

"I talked to someone today." "I invited so and so for coffee." "I talked about Jesus and someone didn't run away and not want to be my friend." "A child whom I had never met ran up and gave me a great big hug on the playground today."

There are two phrases that I feel I may have been overusing in the past ten months, and I will share them with you here: "up in the air" and "holding pattern". Since a nice indie-type movie came out recently with the first phrase as a title, I decided to settle on the second for the title to my great comeback blog. =)

Planting a church is a holding pattern in many ways...how long until we kickoff? How long until we start a Gospel Group? How long until someone accepts Jesus as their Savior? How long until we launch a Sunday service?

But it has not been just that in our lives since we got here. There's been: "When will Chris get a job?" "When will my depression lift?" "When will I start enjoying Gymboree again?" "How long will Chris be interim pastor at Willow Glen?" "How long will it then take for him to find another job?" "When will we get our own place and be able to support ourselves somewhat?"

It may sound like whining or impatience when put all together like that, but these have been the questions I've asked of God many times while being here. Thankfully, He has brought us miraculously through many of these questions and into a wonderful new phase of our lives. But there are still many questions. Both my job and Chris' job are up in the air right now. Willow Glen Baptist sounds like they are on the verge of choosing their new pastor and then what for us? My part-time turned full-time job is about to go part-time again...but we only kinda know the whens and hows. Did we make the right decision to move downtown when everything is so unstable?

However, I have realized that our God is sovereign over all things. When I say I believe that, I have to actually believe that ALL means ALL: God over my questions, God over the answers, God over this city, God over our Church, God over our apartment, God over our marriage, God over our families and our futures.

He's got it. But He's not always going to send me a memo in advance about it.

So I wait...

And while you wait with me, you can enjoy some pics of our "new" (hundred year old) apartment:

Jesus + Nothing

2009-09-04T18:16:00.001-06:00

Here is a copy of the main letter I wrote in our City Church newsletter this month:

Jesus Plus Nothing – by Cassandra Tenny

The whole leadership team was shocked to realize that it was time to get our newsletter out again. Already? I think it is safe to say that time has been flying for us here on the mission field. Summer months are gone and we are already into September, our third official month here in San Jose.
September is going to be very big in the foundation of City Church San Jose. We are starting Gospel Groups on Thursday, September 3rd, which in essence is the kickoff of us as a real church body. We held an informational meeting in late August to ask a few more people to join us as a core group, and so far we are up to six people from four. A pretty good step in the right direction, I think!
We covet your prayers as we take the next step and invite our friends who don’t yet know Jesus to come and study the Bible with us, help serve others in our community, and generally “do life” together. Be praying that our new friends and acquaintances will come to love the community that they see exemplified, but more importantly, that they would come to know the Savior who inspires it all. In fact, we have titled our first study series “Jesus + Nothing” to remind ourselves and everyone else where our hopes and futures lie.
Every time that we meet as a leadership team, we remind ourselves that it is not about us being cool or flashy or having all the answers. It is not about our wonderful methods or the fact that we like to drink coffee and have BBQs and hang out. The reason why we all gave up our ordinary lives to become church planters and to really love this city?
Jesus, and only Jesus.
Jesus plus nothing.

The California Blues

2009-07-16T18:23:00.003-06:00

So the past few weeks have been very intense and wonderful/horrible for me. Some of you may have read my husband's moving account of what he's been thinking and feeling recently of our newly acquired California identity. My account mirror's his somewhat.

If you've spoken to me at all recently, you may have noticed that I'm not necessarily my chipper, optimistic self. I was hit pretty hard with what the professionals call "situational depression" and "anxiety", but what I shall call "The California Blues". I don't need to be monitored or drugged or anything, but it was a major event that I'm not entirely sure is over. Even looking around me at the beautiful California sunshine, I was anxious, depressed, slightly panicky and an all-around mess. My health has been suffering, not to say anything of my demeanor!

I think part of this is that I was up until very recently working six days a week. This gave me little to no time to process our big move out here from Denver. Finding my way at my new job was very strenuous. You'd think that Gymboree in San Jose would be just like working at Gymboree in Denver, but it is not. So many things are different and that is very stressful for me. I'm coming out of it now. I asked for an extra day off and when it was granted, I felt like I had a whole new lease on life! TWO whole days off!!

I've been clinging to God and my husband and new friends in this time. Thanks be to God for the love and support of my family, as well. The Harmons are a huge, huge blessing. My mommy sent me some herbal supplements that are supposed to help with mood, so I'm looking forward to seeing a little improvement in my entire outlook.

The great news is that the church plant is blossoming and our plans seem to be thriving as we continue to seek God. As Chris mentioned in his blog, no book you read on the subject seems to tell you about the "honeymoon phase" of church-planting coming to an end. (Probably because what we're doing is more like becoming missionaries than the church-planting norm.) However, we continue to carry on. Prayer meetings are already under way, we are building relationships with area churches and their pastors, and hopefully beginning to really get a feel for where the city is at the moment and how we can best serve the people of San Jose.

As a side note, in case you are interested, here are four albums that I really leaned on to help me feel less panicky and depressed:

1. Ben Lee - Awake is the New Sleep
2. Regina Spektor - Far
3. Richard Buckner - Bloomed
4. Ray LaMontagne - Til the Sun Turns Black

(It's not surprising for a musical person to lean on music in a time of crisis, is it?)

The Way to San Jose

2009-06-09T13:09:00.002-06:00

So, now I can say I know the way to San Jose (har har)...from Denver, at least. You just take highway 80 west and keep going...and going...and going. Then turn south at Sacramento, but be sure to eat In n Out first. Soon, you'll be in San Jose just like us!

Beyond the driving to get here (with a "check engine light" scare averted), God has been taking care of us mightily now that we are safely in the arms of our family. The Harmons are a most lovely and welcoming family. Being the ones to give us quality housing at the price of "free", they have immediately become our largest financial supporters. We are completely indebted to them...and they feed us, too! We also have fun because they love to play games like Farkle and Taboo (well, not Uncle Chuck, but he also doesn't respond to the term "party pooper" in the way I'd hoped).

Hold on to your seats, there's more. I've been conned into running a half marathon on October 4th, 2009. It's the Rock n Roll half marathon, and it is a San Jose community event, which means it is something that we should take part in. Letitia, Chris and I are going to try to run it, and Jason (the only one among us who actually runs) is going to be a water boy, or some other kind of volunteer. Let's hope I don't die or kill others in the process of training, since I hate running, as most of you know.

The church planting is off to a great start, although there is not much to report at this juncture to those of us not on our leadership team. It's just groundwork being laid and little things that God is doing to show us that He is for us, and that we are doing His work in His strength. Little things every day are affirming that we are supposed to be here, and that is really important when you have uprooted your whole life to answer a call to a city you barely know.

We covet the prayers of our friends and family. If you have a few extra dollars to throw our way, that would be appreciated also. To check up on us, you can always visit www.downtownsynergy.com and we will have a newsletter available soon to our prayer and financial partners (and other interested parties).

Here we go!!

Bearing

2009-05-28T09:17:00.003-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about this word "bearing".

There are a few ways that it is used in modern life, such as "Bear with me". (Incidentally, many people misspell this as "Bare with me", which is essentially inviting everyone else to accompany you in getting naked.) Think about "bearing children" or a tree "bearing fruit". People speak of "getting their bearings" in a new place. Or perhaps when something awful tops off an already awful day, it is "more than you can bear".

There are uses of this word "bear" in the Bible; many, in fact. I've been thinking about two of the uses in light of recent occurrences in my family that have been especially difficult for me to bear.

Gal 6:2 Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

When things befall me or my family that are too heavy for me to bear on my own, I turn to others in the body of Christ that I know I can trust and literally ask them to bear my burdens with me. I ask them without shame to labor with me in prayer. I ask in complete dependence, knowing that they will come through for me. Not everyone in the church will be willing to do this with such alacrity, but it is Biblical! In college I really learned this. People go through hard times and some things were never meant to be borne alone. This is why Christ sent the Holy Spirit after Him to establish His church, His body, His bride. We were not meant to live the Christian life in isolation; it was meant to be lived in community. Bearing each other's burdens fulfills the law of Christ.

Eph 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

This is what comes into play when you are simply tired of bearing everyone's burdens and you just want to shout at them to grow up, bear your own darn burdens, and leave me alone! I have been there. There are times when one must summon an almost inhuman amount of patience and humility, knowing what Christ bore for us. Then we must choose again and again to be gentle and patient and bear with one another in love. This can be especially difficult when you are in the midst of bearing your own large burden, and then you are asked to bear with one another, too! And not just barely bear them, but to bear with them in LOVE. Ah, now that's when I need help.

And here it is: Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus speaking,

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (New International Version)

Just reading those words brings tears to my eyes. Think about someone telling you to come to them and that they will give you rest. I know I need that. I know many people who need lighter burdens, who need some rest for their souls. Right now I feel that I am one of them. Where in this busy, bustling world can you find it?

Look to the Good Shepherd. Look to His Word. Look to His Church. The burden He gives us is never too much to bear, as long as we do not try and bear it alone.

Notes on a Sleeping Husband

2009-05-16T14:49:00.003-06:00

Today is the day that my wonderful husband finally graduates from seminary! Praise the Lord! We had to get up at 6:30am on this eventful day, just when you think you're done getting up early for a little while, and drive down to Parker for the commencement ceremony.

Chris graduated with a Master's of Divinity degree (with honors, of course) and I couldn't be more proud. My dad and I sat in the nosebleed seats of a giant auditorium and hooted and hollered for my honey when his name was called. He could still hear me, of course, even across the large room, the nature of my voice being rather audible.

He didn't sleep a wink last night while I slept like a baby ( a very content and happy baby ), so he is now exhausted and napping in our room at home. This is the home we will be leaving behind, the one we practically rebuilt together in preparation for our marriage. We only have a little over two weeks to go before we depart it, most likely forever. I won't miss the house so much as the life we've built here together, although I know that the life we build in San Jose will be equally exciting and equally "ours".

One part of the graduation ceremony that was especially poignant for me was when the entire auditorium full of people stood up to sing "Great Is Thy Faithfulness". This is one of my favorite hymns because I can sing it with confidence in both good times and bad. I believe it equally in all situations because my God has been so faithful on so many occasions that I feel I can't help but sing about it. (Plus, he gave me a voice with which to do it, so I do!)

Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father. You brought Chris through six years of seminary. You brought Chris to me! You gave us a happy marriage with a purpose that is more exciting to me than anything that has happened in my life yet. Please pour out Your blessing on us for as long as we continue to heed Your voice. Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

What's New, Pussycat?

2009-04-30T12:25:00.002-06:00

Chris and I got back on Tuesday morning from a little preliminary trip to San Jose. It was such a strange experience to actually BE in the place that we've been talking about, dreaming of, and praying over for so long...all four of the Downtown Synergy Team together. We had a good Night of Synergy, good times with our family and friends, good schmoozing opportunities, and a little bit of time off from our normal schedules.

Many people have been asking us, "Why San Jose?" I have a lot of good reasons now that I didn't have before, but the best reason of all that I can tell myself is the fact that God has called us there. Jason drove us up in the foothills a little bit so that we could get a good view of all of San Jose, which I have never seen from that vantage point before. As I looked out over the city, the Holy Spirit was definitely tugging on my heart. I had no real interest in the city before this venture, but as I looked out over the smoggy buildings and houses, 3rd most populated place in California, I started to cry. I can't really articulate why, but it was a mixture of brokenness, humility, and being completely overwhelmed by what God has called us to.

Probably the best thing that happened on the trip (for me) occurred on our last full day there. We met with Pastor Jeff Wenke of The Journey church in San Jose. He's a very cool guy that my grandma encouraged me to talk to, as he planted a church himself seven years ago in a similar area. We've sent him letters asking for prayer support, financial support, or missions support, and kind of explaining what we are hoping to do with Downtown Synergy.

He said to us, "I tried to ignore you guys. I didn't want to be involved. But I just couldn't." The Holy Spirit prompted him to be there for us, to help us, and he even asked us the church-planter's dream question, "What do you need?" At that point, we told him all we needed was prayer...lots and lots. But think about it...the Holy Spirit told him NOT to ignore our as yet tiny little venture. That, to me, is the ultimate in human affirmation. That means we are something worth helping. It means other people who are not our grandmas, uncles, brothers or moms want to be involved in this thing. It means God is with us, so who can be against us???

Praise the Lord! Anyone who has sent up a prayer...its working. Please continue to labor with us in prayer that we would continue in obedience and bring glory only to God. Amen

Check it out, I'm famous!

2009-04-20T21:19:00.001-06:00

My friend Hannah Bath who graduated from and now works for the college I graduated from (Wesley Institute, Sydney), wrote an article about where I am and what I'm doing now!
I told her she makes me sound more intelligent than perhaps I really am. =)

http://www.wesleyinstitute.edu.au/wi/Releases/From_the_USA_to_Australia_and_back!.asp

Check it out!

Ned Kelly and Pretty Boy Floyd

2009-03-17T11:19:00.002-06:00

A few of you know that I've been rather consumed with the research of my family tree recently. When I was just starting out, I was definitely standing on the shoulders of giants in terms of what had been researched before me. The whole reason I started doing this was because I saw that the Italian government will allow Italian descendants to become citizens if their emigrating relative never denounced their Italian citizenship. (I believe I have proven this and am very excited, but that is another story altogether.)

One branch of my tree is very English. Ancestry.com has a cool little tool that lets you click on a button that says, "Find famous relatives". I thought I would have none. I was very wrong! Because of the English side, my closest famous relative was Ralph Waldo Emerson, my 4th cousin (six times removed, since he was quite a bit older than me). I thought that was pretty sweet. I fancied this is where my literary bone comes from.

Then, I decided it was time to explore the Southern contingent. My paternal grandmother's family hails from the Southern parts of the United States since even before the states were united. I explored that branch of the family, and decided to click on "Find famous relatives" again, to see if anything had changed. We did have a Confederate Captain who died in the war on our side, after all.

Instead of dignitaries and former presidents, NOW my two closest famous relatives are Pretty Boy Floyd (I think they had his character in O Brother Where Art Thou...a caricature, at least), and Frank James (older brother of Jesse James). Floyd is my 5th cousin, three times removed (since he lived in the 30s) and James is 5th cousin, 4th times removed. I'm even related to the famous Aussie outlaw Ned Kelly (6th cousin, 4 times removed!

I don't know what there is to be said for all this, and I know it all just proves the whole Seven Degrees of Separation thing. What the heck is a 5th cousin anyway? How does that have anything to do with my daily life?

I've been pondering this, and I think there is something to be said about legacy in all of this. To be perfectly honest, I got more excited than anything that my great-great grandfather William C Opie listed himself on his World War I draft card as "Occupation: Minister of the Gospel". I think that is just so awesome. He didn't just write "minister" and try to get out of the service. The wording itself is a legacy to me. I get to read it ninety years later and think, "Yes, that is MY occupation, too." I feel a kinship with William C Opie that has to do with the fact that we are, in fact, related. But I feel a stronger kinship with him because of the shared place we have in the family of God. To me, the Kingdom family is just as important, if not MORESO than the family we were born into.

Although being 9th cousin of James Dean is pretty cool too.

When Your ID is Thieved...

2009-03-09T09:41:00.002-06:00

(Is thieved even a word? I'm unsure, but I like it.)

So, this is the second time that I have been the victim of identity theft, or at least of a big old error on my credit record. And let me tell you, it is a severe pain in the *you pick a body part*.

I have spent so many hours on this, and it all seems to be like a giant wheel spinning around, and I am the not-so-giant hamster trying to keep up. Trying to save my precious credit sometimes seems like it is very important, and other times I am tempted to just let them have it! Go ahead, ding away!! I'm innocent!

The other day I actually got to talk to a real live human being in person about this whole thing. It was so nice. Not only was she sympathetic because she had recently gone through the same thing, but she was really nice and actually wrote things down that I told her, as if they were important in some way. This is mostly because she was with the Wheat Ridge Police Department, but still! She wasn't even typing it up while we were talking (she would do that later); she was writing things down with pen and ink on lined paper. So refreshing.

So now I get to put a "fraud alert" on my credit with all three bureaus, which I'm sure looks great to anyone who is checking my credit. Oh well.

All this serves to remind me of a few things.

1.) As cheesy as it sounds, I must remember that my true identity is in Christ, and no one can take that away from me.

2.) There is no worrying allowed for the Christian. God is in control of even such inane things as my credit. I can try and make things right through the best of my God-given ability, but ultimately I will look up and say, "You handle this! I'm done!"

3.) Money is not my god. Credit will not save me. There are more important things in life, so I won't sell my soul to this thing.

Sorry if those sounded trite, but I think they are so true. The only reason they sound silly is because we are juxtaposing the insignificant ways of man and his money with the ultimate power of the God of the universe. And when you put it that way, it doesn't sound half so scary after all.

The Revolution Continues

2009-02-14T15:55:00.002-07:00

We are three and half months out from our potential move date to San Jose.

Three and half months?? When did that happen?!

Probably while I was stressing out about any of the following: my current work situation, or my family falling apart, or actually planning a move out to California, let alone what we'll do when we get there!

I'm not saying I'm worrying about these things, but being present in a stressful situation certainly can rub off on a person. I fully trust that God will take care of these things and all of my other needs, too. Meanwhile, my body needs each and every free minute it can get to process the things that are happening all around me.

Here are the things I am processing:

1. Leaving my current job situation and trying not to make it my worry to replace myself. That is my employer's job, not mine. Of course, I love my boss and will try to help her in any way I can, but if they are left in the lurch with no one to help run the site when I leave...well, that's not my fault! Also, finding a new job in addition to my full-time church planting job when we get to San Jose.

2. Which leads us to FINANCES. I don't really think I need to elaborate on this one, do I? Poor newlyweds uprooting to a new state to plant a church? God's got this one, so all I have to do is not freak out about it.

3. My Dad possibly going to jail and ex-step-dad possibly very soon dying of final stages of alcoholism. My heart breaks for my three sisters and my brother, because that is their father and there is no getting around that fact.

4. Keeping my eyes and heart fixed on God for everything having to do with my life, my marriage, the move, the church plant, family, friends, jobs, etc, etc, etc..

Hebrews 12:2 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..."

Revolution!

2009-01-29T19:25:00.002-07:00

Today we had our first official "Revolution" meeting as we like jokingly call it. I think it is because we feel like young rebels on the church-planting scene, meeting in coffeehouses and dreaming big dreams.

Things are becoming more and more tangible, for me at least, as we develop task lists, gain team members, and put actual dates in place for our move out to California. Jason is so all over everything, it is so amazing. I remember why I thought his church plant was such a good idea in the first place, which was immediately when it came out of his mouth and about ten minutes before I started dreaming of us going with him.

The fact that people are actually signing on to this thing, after much prayer and contemplation (Hi Letitia!), is one of the things that blows me away. Now I know a slice of what Jason must have felt when we told him YES. God is in, around, and through this thing, I can just feel it. Perhaps I'm too young to feel things in my bones, but as a woman, you are never too young to have intuition. Mine says that this is going to be a great venture.

If you're inclined, I would ask any readers to be praying for us in this time of planning and preparation. We know that we need God more than anything else, but a close second is finances! God can provide those, too, by the generous hearts of His people. I believe that prayer can bring this about.

So here's the the beginning of the revolution...may it be all God wants it to be.

Promise Keepers

2009-01-23T09:29:00.005-07:00

This morning I was reading in the Bible about King David and how God promises him that he will never be forgotten and that his name and house will be great forever. I thought to myself, "I'm reading about him. Nearly everyone I know at least knows about him. God kept His promise!" And that is exactly what I was going to write about in this blog.

However, then I stumbled upon a headline that read "Obama to lift international abortion funding ban" and I yelled aloud, "WHAT?" Talk about keeping your promises.

I'm going to be very open and transparent with everyone here. This past election was a very difficult one for me, because by casting the vote that I did, and even by allying myself with the political party that I did, I felt like I was doing many things against type. I found myself in the rather childish and odd situation of trying to excuse myself to everyone. The commentary in my head ran like this: "I'm registering Democrat (Sorry Kev), but I'm not voting for Hillary (sorry Aunt Chris and other hopeful women of the US) because I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. I'm going against my conscience just a little bit (sorry conscience) in voting for Barack Obama (at least my generation will think I did the right thing) because of his very liberal views on abortion (sorry evangelical tradition and all the unborn babies of the world)."

In the end, Barack Obama at least is posturing himself to fulfill many of his campaign promises. I don't know what the heck he plans to do about the economy, and I doubt he's going to buy you a new house, Aunt Chris, or pay for my boss' $25,000 oral surgery. But he is probably going to try. Do I value his integrity? Yes I do. Am I filled with joy and pride when I look at the black community and see how filled with joy and pride they are at this election? Yes I am. Can I still feel some remorse about the abortion issue without saying that I think I was wrong to vote for Barack Obama?

Yes, I can.

Now enjoy this hilarious video courtesy of my friend Jared's roommates.

Farewell to a Great Man

2009-01-18T14:21:00.002-07:00

I returned yesterday from a trip to my old hometown of Long Beach, CA. It was a nice trip, but the reason for it was sad: my grandfather's funeral.
When I heard that my grandpa Red had died, I was instantly transported back to January 2005, almost four years ago to the day, when my Grandma Betty (Grandpa Red's wife) passed away. I was there, along with many of her other family members, in the hospital room watching death ravage her body with each passing breath. People will speak to you about the peace of death, how it is simply a part of life and all that loveliness, but I tell you it is BULL. God created this world perfect, but because of SIN, there is DEATH. It is NOT natural, pretty, comforting, or any of these things. Watching my grandmother die did have a mystical element though, as I spoke to her not knowing if she could hear or understand, clutching her hand and reassuring her that we would miss her but that she was free to go. My grandma Betty loved Jesus and I know that I will be with her again when we all gain new bodies and get to be with God forever. That was the only hope or joy that there was in her death.
Fast-forward to four years later, nearly to the day, and my Grandpa, Sergeant Major Wilbur "Red" Jones left this Earth as well. I was summoned to Long Beach to say my farewells, and be with and be comforted by my family. Many of you know how my mother and my step-dad Kevin are no longer together, and might think that going to a family reunion (of sorts) with a family that is "technically" no longer mine would be a little awkward. But you would be wrong. The Jones/Klein family IS my family, and they welcomed me like family, and I read scripture at my Grandpa's funeral like family and we all took a shot a whiskey together like family (perhaps YOUR family doesn't do that at funerals...) to honor my grandfather's memory. It was a great day.
The Marines that were there to honor one of their own were a part of the ceremony that I will not soon forget. Not only were there two men left from his company, old men now with haircuts not unlike my grandfather's which never changed over the years, but there were young men there, too. These young Marines may have never met my Grandpa, but all they needed to know was that he was a veteran of three wars (WWII, Vietnam and the Korean Conflict) with the Marine Corps, a Sergeant Major, that he was a decorated hero and that he had done a great service to our country. His memory was honored with their presence, their respect, their gun salute, and a folded American flag enshrining the bullet casings from that salute. My dad Kevin was the one to receive this flag in my Uncle Dan's stead. It was a wonderful moment, and very soon after Kevin clutched my sister and I and told us, "My mom and dad are dead. You guys are more important than ever to me now." And indeed, the less of us that there are, the more important our remaining family becomes to us.
So although I met my grandma and grandpa Jones when I was probably about ten years old, and got to spend only half of my life with them, I miss them dearly. I wore a necklace that was a gift from my grandmother to both her and my Grandpa's funerals, and I carry their little cards from the Catholic funerals around with me in my wallet, to read the prayers on the back and remember them fondly by.
I will end with the scripture that I was privileged (and surprised, thanks Kev!) to read at this most recent funeral. I choked up because I always cry when things are happy, and I think that this is a comforting passage:
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.

"I'm An Excellent Driver"

2008-12-15T21:51:00.001-07:00

(Ahem, thank you, Rain Man.)
So, it seems that it just never ends when you get into two auto accidents in one year. Not only did I have to buy a new car, but then had to fix it when I crashed it again. Not only did I get dropped by GEICO, but we have to pay almost 1200 dollars to insure me for the next six months. Not ONLY am I reeling from all this money-spending and embarrassment that comes with crashing twice in one year, but then I get...a letter.

I came home last Thursday night, exhausted, only to receive a letter from the DMV informing me that I had twenty days to come in and retake not only the written but the state driving test as well. I cried for about two hours (again, like I did when I found out I was dropped by my insurance company) and made myself sick over thinking about taking that test again in Colorado, six years after failing my first three times in California. I could have sworn I had improved since then, but two accidents are glaring evidence to the contrary, no matter how many times people tell you that you are a good driver and that you have nothing to worry about. I nearly worried myself into an illness, and doubted my ability to operate any moving object bigger than a scooter-board. I began to fantasize about what it would be like to be a shut-in, have to ride the bus, and have to quit my job because it wouldn't be feasible to ride a bus two and half hours each way to work every day. How would I be a good wife and be able to run errands and do the shopping, etc, etc...? I was a mess.

So, in the midst of all my whining and crying and fearing and worrying, my gracious God and my gracious husband (or perhaps more rightly, my gracious God THROUGH my gracious husband) talked me down from my dramatic heights of hysteria and back into reality. I went from feeling like I was going to vomit every time I thought about driving to waking up on Sunday morning feeling inexplicably confident that I am a good driver and that I would pass the driving test.

So I went in this morning on my morning off, got up at 6:30am to drive through -8F degree weather and snowpack on the highways to take the test. I only got one answer wrong on the written, so it was on to the driving. My instructor warned me that if I lost control of the vehicle in any way (skidding or fishtailing, even because of the icy roads) that I would automatically fail and I would be issued a 60 day permit (where I wouldn't be allowed to drive alone) until I could get it together and pass the test. She asked if I would like to reschedule to when the roads were clear, and I decided it was now or never. If I was to prove myself to the DMV, I wanted it to be in those conditions!!

Needless to say, I passed. She barely had anything to say about my driving, except that I could go even slower than I was already going, considering the conditions, and that when I make left turns, I don't use the "hand-over-hand" method of steering. (Psh.) Apparently I'm fine on my steering in right hand turns. Go figure. So I thank God, my husband, and my friends for praying for me. I am so blessed to have lovely people around me. I am blessed to be able to drive, and I have vowed to remember that, and to take my driving a little more seriously than perhaps I have been previously. Lives are at stake, after all, not to mention thousands of dollars spent on every crash I decide to get into again!

Hopefully, I'm done with accidents forever (a girl can try!), and the DMV for quite some time, at least. Praise God!

Marriage Update - 3 months later...

2008-11-29T22:18:00.002-07:00

Three months into marriage is apparently when people really start to bug you about whether you're pregnant or not. I don't know what has been going on, but I've gotten people asking me all over the place, in several different states and countries. I'm NOT, for the record. Not that I don't want a precious little Tenny baby some day in the not-so-distant future. I do, but I want the future to be a little more distant than sometime in the next six months before we move to California!

(Incidentally, due to the wonders of technology, here's what Chris and my baby is supposed to look like).

Anywho, this is supposed to be a marriage update, not a baby update. We are having so much fun being married. I'm sorry single people, but I just can't keep the secret: being married rocks. Perhaps we are still in our honeymoon phase, to be sure. Perhaps its that we didn't date for that long, so we're still in our honeymoon phase times two. Perhaps we are brainwashed. I don't know. All I know is, these three months have been awesome! The part that is stressful is having seminary and work schedules conflict and make us busier than we want to be. We have to run off somewhere, or write papers or something when we really just want to hang out and watch a movie and go to bed early. *wink*

We are getting excited and a little bit anxious about the whole moving to California to start a church thing, as is normal. The big idea doesn't scare me as much as all the small little details do. But what do they say, "God is in the details"? I believe it, but not perhaps the way that "they" mean it. (Whoever "they" are.) I believe that if God wants us to move across the country, then He'll continue to iron out the details and work His grand scheme in our lives to make it happen. It's the way He has always worked in my life, so I've come to expect nothing less.

So anyway, just thought I'd let you know that I'm a deliriously happy little redhead. I adore my husband, I really like knitting, and I'm quite excited for the holidays. Hurray!

NaBloPoMo

2008-11-26T19:54:00.002-07:00

What?
I think it is funny the things that will arise from one good idea.
National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) has spawned (that I know of) National Screenplay Writing Month, and now National Blog Posting Month. I think a month of blog posts sounds like a good challenge. But would they be interesting, or just clog more internet space? If they were interesting, would anyone read them or care?

(Yes, I know you would, Kev, but you might fall asleep!)

Anywho, I'm not committed to a blog a day, so I get to blog when I feel I have something to say. Except right now, I don't really have that much to say.

However, I'm busy because a chick at work quit and I get her stupid hours because no one else can take them. Chris' birthday (31!) and Thanksgiving are tomorrow, which we will spend at his dad and step-mom's house with my dad being graciously invited along. I went on a little bit of a spending spree for my spouse...a little more than I wanted to actually spend, but then again, I wanted to make his birthday a completely separate entity from both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I think it'll be worth it. I'm trying to dress him a little more like a California boy and prepare him to go plant some churches in NorCal. That's all I'll say, just in case he reads this! (doubtful)

I've also become completely enamored anew with knitting. Yes, I am a grandma at the ripe old age of 24. I'm on a website called Ravelry.com where I can check out patterns, log my yarn stash, post pictures of things I'm working on, and all for people to comment on and "favorite", of course. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculously fun and addicting. I'm finishing up a little teddy bear for Cordelia Marie, my cousin's new baby daughter, and I'm in the middle of knitting a coat for my niece Brooke, which I may or may not have done by the time her birthday (12/10) OR Christmas roll around. *sigh*

So that's about it. Shopping and knitting. Oh yeah, and I had my court day today for that accident I had a while back. The judge was actually very jolly and not mean or condescending at all. I got only two points off my license instead of four and a hundred and fifty dollar fine, which is about what we expected. Lame right before Christmas, yes. Especially with the skyrocketed rates of insurance for me =(, but we'll survive.

Churchling

2008-11-21T10:41:00.002-07:00

Now that this church-planting business is more out in the open, I can finally blog about it! I've been writing prayers down for the past couple of weeks, and sending them to Jason and Chris, but I've been itching to just kind of write out what I've been thinking and experiencing in this process so far.

My first thought is, "Wow, God is so awesome." I mean awesome in the more biblical sense of the word...He fills me with awe.

My thoughts that come tumbling after are: "What the heck? Church planting? Where did this come from? We never dreamed of this. Why does God think we can do this?"

Many lovely people we know are realistic and tell us things like, "This is going to be the hardest and most painful thing you've ever done." I know that they are speaking from experience and trying to be helpful, but I am such an optimist that I almost completely disregard anything negative as "nay saying". Just like when people told Chris and me that our honeymoon phase would not last and that we would get used to each other, etc... I kind of know it is true, but I don't want it to be true, and in some sense don't we sort of create our own reality? Anyway, I'm kind of blathering.

So, I kind of feel like I'm back in college again. You know, sitting around in coffee shops, talking in very philosophical (or sophomoric!) terms, not knowing much about what we're getting into, and dreaming big dreams. And who didn't love college? So far, life hasn't been that terrible for me. Things generally work out, and though sometimes they are hard, I haven't had too many giant faith-shaking events. I feel I perhaps lived a charmed life, and that scares me a little because what if there really is a horrible world out there, just waiting for me to fail...instead of the sunshine and shiny happy people that I believe are there? Am I too naive? Is that necessarily bad?

I don't know anything about church planting. I barely feel like I know the men I am following out to California (well, I feel like I know Chris of course, but we HAVE only been married for three months!). I am totally trusting God alone, that He will take care of us, not give us more than we can bear, and that we will succeed or fail for the sake of the Gospel, and that there is nothing more noble than that in the whole wide world. Or else what are we doing?

The High Fidelity Game -or- How Opposites Attract

2008-11-17T10:30:00.002-07:00

So, Chris and I were having Friday date night this past weekend, and since it was freezing outside and we had plans for a movie on Saturday, we didn't really want to go outside or see a movie and we were both a little too tired to play Risk or Backgammon or anything like that.
So my brilliant husband came up with something for us to do that was quite telling. He called out, "Okay, top 5 albums of your senior year of high school. Go." It was fun because we didn't just list them. We had to kind of explain them, and then play a sample song from the album for the other, so that they could get a sense of it. I thought the striking differences in our album choices were hilarious. Keep in mind that Chris was not a Christian yet, AND he wants you all to know that he graduated in the 90s in a weird time for music. But here are the lists in all their glory. (Keep in mind that these are representative of our lives at the time, and these albums did not necessarily come out in that same year or anything.)

Cassie - Top 5 Albums of My Senior Year of High School - 2002
1. Beck - Odelay
2. Belle and Sebastian - If You're Feeling Sinister
3. Cardigans - Life
4. Fiona Apple - When the Pawn...
5. Jennifer Knapp - Kansas

Chris - Top 5 Albums of My Senior Year of High School - 1996
1. Nine Inch Nails - Downward Spiral
2. Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
3. Stabbing Westward - Wither Blister Burn and Peel
4. Smile - Marquee
5. Rage Against the Machine - Self titled

Now THAT Is What I Call Hope...

2008-11-04T20:00:00.002-07:00

Whether or not you agree with Obama's politics, reading this article brought a little tear to my eye. Even in my cynical state about our country, I still have enough youthful exuberance to feel as if I am a part of something greater than myself by casting my vote today. It is rare that I will say that about something political, but there you have it.
It was my very first presidential election today, and I felt pretty important to get to be a part of something big, no matter who wins the election.
As a side note, I think that it is important as Christians to remember what the Bible says about respecting earthly authorities.
1 Peter 2:13,14,17
Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority, or to governors as sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and the praise of those who do right...Honor all people, love the brotherhood, fear God, honor the king.
Amen!

No Good Very Bad Week.

2008-10-25T11:56:00.003-06:00

Far from wanting to air all my dirty laundry online and complain about how bad my life is at the moment, I still want people to know where I'm at and how I'm dealing with things that get thrown my way.

Thing 1: Car Crash (last Wednesday)
This is my second one of the year, and it was ALSO my fault. Don't dismiss me as a bad driver right away, though. In my humble opinion, this one was truly why they call them "accidents". I had terrible sun glare in my windshield, and couldn't see a single thing. I slowed down and tried to look in my rear view mirror in order to see if I could guide myself in that way, and realized I had drifted onto the wrong side of the road, because the road had curved right when I got blinded. *crash* The best part of all (she types, sarcastically) is that "driving on the wrong side of the road" is a four-point violation, and one which you MUST go to court over. D'oh. So now my car is in the shop (not badly injured, but enough to take four or five days to fix...) and I have a court date the day before Thanksgiving. Hurray.

Thing 2: In Sickness and In Health
Chris is sick. Hacking, coughing, spitting, cold-sore-getting sick. We sleep in the same bed every night. I am trying to get him not to breathe on me, but when you snuggle, that is a near-impossibility. Being newlyweds, not-snuggling is not an option. When my throat starts to feel tingly and swollen, I panic, because I cannot have a sore throat and do well at my work...it involves a lot of singing and talking over twenty loud two-year-olds. Not good. Also, my body does NOT deal well with stress, so I can actually feel myself shutting down. *sigh*

Thing 3: JAIL
Not me, but my dad. Without going into too much detail because things are very unclear at the moment, my dad got arrested this past Tuesday at five in the morning on some pretty serious federal charges. Talk about a bad week for the Bertolucci family. He bonded out of jail yesterday, praise God, which means he can keep his business afloat and get his crap together before his trial dates, which we are still unclear on. The justice system seems pretty vague on a lot of things at this point, which I suppose is for security and protection issues, but it is aggravating nonetheless.

Conclusion:
Lots and lots and lots of prayer. I am praying that my Joy remain ever before me, and that I do not fall into despair. I am grateful (oh so much) for a stable, loving husband who loves God and isn't prone to panic or be dramatic like I am. (He's a pessimist, but that's another story.) I am thanking God every day that I have a caring community of believers and friends around me who are excellent listeners, pray-ers, bolsters, and coffee-drinkers (which is important in times like these!)
Thank you, family and friends, for being those type of people. I love you immensely, and I hope I can do the same for you some day.

away from judgment

2008-10-13T11:13:00.002-06:00

I'm attempting to leave harsh judgment of my fellow human beings behind.
I thought I wasn't judgmental. I thought I was open-minded.
Perhaps compared to some people, I was.
But compared to the way that my biggest hero viewed people, I am a bigot and Pharisee.
I apologize if this ever affected any of you. I love you and want to know you more for who you really are. I am attempting a shift in my life.
Pray for me!

Mawiage.

2008-09-06T10:37:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to write an update for my thronging readers (hee hee).
I'm married and I am LOVING it. God really knew what He was doing when he brought Christopher into my life. I have found a wonderful person, and I won't waste time trying to find superlatives to describe him or our relationship. Suffice to say, we're in love and we're blessed, and that's all I can ask for!
I've moved up to Wheat Ridge, which hasn't been as tough as I originally thought. Some of my favorite things and people are still entirely too far away for my taste, but with the way the modern world runs, there are still all the same kinds of places one suburb up as there are in Lakewood. So besides the huge decision to move from King Soopers to Safeway, things really haven't been that difficult. I adjust fairly well, anyway, so moving is rarely tough for me.
Chris is working full time and going to school twice a week at nights. That's a little difficult for me because I'm only working about 25 hours, however I have had lots of time to get the house in order. It desperately needed to be transformed from bachelor pad/construction zone into a HOME. So, with my feminine touch, I have nearly succeeded. The extra time at home has actually been helpful for me to find my footing faster as mistress of the house. I think they call this "nesting".
Work is going well. We've just started our new fall schedule, so I'm still just barely getting started on that. New curriculum, new classes, new kids. It's all good, just a little scary starting out. I know I'll be fine, but there's nothing like the fear of failure to keep your job exciting! =)
Chris and I are both concentrating on keeping Sabbath these days. We're going through a book called Keeping the Sabbath Wholly by Marva J. Dawn (what a name!). So our Sundays are not spent in the normal yuppie fashion of errands, cleaning, remodeling or renovating. We go to church, read, drink hot beverages, play games, visit with friends, and maybe cook a meal if it is not too stressful. I can already feel the calming effect that a day of rest has had on me. I am less angry on the long commute to work!
That's about all I have to report. The wedding was gorgeous and the honeymoon was lovely. If anyone hasn't seen photos, just let me know and I can send you a link. If you're reading this on Facebook, just click under my photo albums to see them!

Commencing Countdown, Engines On...

2008-07-27T15:19:00.003-06:00

Only two weeks from now, at this exact time of day, Chris and I will be riding off into the sunset (or, um, midday sunshine) in a bicycle rickshaw as man and wife!
But until then, we have a lot of work and stress ahead of us.
We've taken many strides in the right direction in the past week, though. We've finished the flooring everywhere downstairs except the bathroom, and put most of the base cabinets into the wall. I myself finally got taught how to use the miter saw and the jigsaw, so I got to do a large part of the kitchen flooring myself while Chris prepared a sermon for today. My lovely father has been over working hard for us, too, along with some of his employees, and they've painted our living room and put in baseboard and door trim, among many other details.
Chris and I finally found a time where we could go down to the Jefferson County Courthouse and get our marriage license. I have a very fancy paper in my possession now, just waiting for our signatures. I think in the state of Colorado, we'd basically just have to sign it and we could be married, but of course we'll wait for the day and the pastor and all the trimmings. =)
It's been really surreal for me to take a step back, look around, and realize all the things I do in a day that I'll soon be doing for the last time as a single woman. Things like brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed will seem solemn and ritualized for the next couple weeks, as I do them for the last time alone in my father's house.
I've started to think about what kind of wife I'll be, and if I'll be any good at it. I've thought about a few years down the line, what our marriage will look like, will there be children, and will they be cute like their parents? Ha ha. It's such a bewildering experience to count down the days of singleness, realizing (and praying!) that they will never come again. The next two weeks will bring my last week of work until I'm back from my honeymoon. It will bring many friends and relatives from afar, all descending on Denver for our big day. I'm the most excited to see all of my sisters and my brother in one place again, and also to meet my sister Rebecca's boyfriend Justin, whom she has been dating for quite awhile while she's been at sea. Then there's all the Australians, traveling farthest of all to see me, and I'm just so excited I could pop!
It's going to be a marriage, a reunion and a great party all in one day, and Chris and I will be at the vortex of it all, trying to keep our heads and not vomit with happiness (and nerves!). God help us!

Weddings and Remodels and Summer, Oh My...

2008-07-14T23:01:00.002-06:00

So, I realize that the last time I wrote a blog was late May.
I also realize I have probably a grand total of 5 readers (hi Kev!), so probably not that many people miss me, but here I am again, regardless!
Soooo, wedding planning is time consuming, sure. But what will get you is when you try to remodel the entire bottom floor of your future house simultaneously!
Chris and I had the brilliant idea that we would not only rip out all the carpets and put in new laminate flooring, but we would also get rid of all those pesky old cabinets and make the kitchen a nicer place to cook in. (Good for making your new wife happier about preparing your meals...)
So now poor Christopher is living in a construction zone with possible defective flooring (about a literal half ton of it) and partially constructed cabinets strewn about, while I languish away in a house with my dad and new roommate, which is becoming increasingly bachelor-ized with each passing day. (Note to roommate: not even an industrial dishwasher is supposed to clean off a peanut buttery knife all on its own!)
This summer is very interesting, as a result, as Chris takes on more responsibilities at work and I wonder how I'm ever going to commute 20 miles each way making what I do and with gas prices being what they are. How are we going to make time for each other when we're married and have all this "stuff" to do separately? How are we going to live if the house isn't done by the time we get back from our honeymoon? Where is the wedding planning in all of this mess? Who am I, where am I, and why is there a chicken strapped to my waist??!!
But I'm not freaking out. I'm rather calm. When my world is so topsy-turvy, I can't help but just step away, take a deep breath, and use that breath to exhale a prayer to our Father who cares about my well-being. He doesn't need to, because He's got a lot of other world problems to think about, but my Father will make sure the house gets done in due time. He cares about priming and texturing, and He cares about our laminate flooring. He's also given us people who care for the things we do, and who are willing to do something about it.
For all of this: wedding, remodels and summer, I am thankful.

Font of All Wisdom...

2008-05-25T16:42:00.001-06:00

...Blog Things. Ha ha.
But no really...this one was cool.

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed.

With respect to money, you spend carefully and save your pennies.

You think good luck depends on maintaining good relationships with others.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you base your search on information from your friends.

Who's The True You?

Why I Snarled in Bed Bath and Beyond

2008-05-19T13:56:00.002-06:00

Yesterday Chris and I decided we would put the final touches on our wedding wishlist and go register at Bed Bath and Beyond. We had gone to Target last Friday and had a fun time with the scanners, going around and trying to find some fun and slightly ridiculous things to scan so people could have a little fun while shopping for us (if they choose.)
As background, I originally resisted going to Bed Bath and Beyond because I think it is a snooty place and I've never bought anything from anyone's registry there (mostly because it seems like everything is over fifty bucks and I was so poor during college, etc...) However, their return policy is one of the best I've ever heard of, and so we were compelled to try it out, with thoughts of 8 un-returnable toasters dancing in our heads, spurring us on.
So we go in, and the dude is nice and all, encouraging us to register for things we don't need because we can get free gifts just for registering for them. However, the problem was that most of the free gifts we didn't need either, and that was one of the first things that started making me a little bit upset: need vs want syndrome is fine, but this was don't need/don't want vs FREE syndrome.
When we were finally set loose, I was alright to let Chris go a little crazy with the pots and knives, because having a husband who will cook is enough of a reward for me, in this instance.
It was when we got to towels that I started getting agitated. I looked on the self-proclaimed "Helpful Checklist" that Bed Bath and Beyond had provided for us, and saw that they think we should all invest in three sets of towels per person per bathroom. I was already thinking to myself, "What a racket!". But when I saw the little part of the checklist that read "decorative finger towels" and "bath sheets" and "bath mats" closely followed by "bath rug", I started getting really, really angry. Like, oddly angry right in the middle of the towel section. Chris tried to ask me what the heck was wrong with me (in a loving way, of course), and I started snarling at him about people starving in third world countries and I'm being compelled to buy a "f***ing decorative FINGER towel?" I did not really cuss, I think, but I mouthed it, which is really just as bad.
The rest of the time passed rather uneventfully, despite a mild disagreement regarding fine china, but I was left wondering why I am such a crazy person sometimes when it comes to the stupidest things. I've had a few days to think it over, and I've come to a tentative conclusion, which might sound crazier still, but there you go.
One of my spiritual gifts is perceiving, see. When I get into a consumer-driven, high-cost environment like Bed Bath and Beyond, there might not actually be a dude there pressuring us into $400 crockery sets, but the spirit is there. The whole place is saturated with it, and so you'll recall I snarled that I was being "compelled" to buy things, even though there was no salesman there? That's what I mean! I felt it just as surely as if some slick, suited man was there spouting facts and figures at me.
Don't get me wrong, I don't really feel any less crazy, but at least my craziness has a half-baked reason behind it. Stupid consumer-driven culture that I willingly participate in!

Moonstruck

2008-05-16T09:10:00.003-06:00

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

Hey, I'm getting much better!

Anyway. The other day I was marveling about a certain aspect of our culture that I wanted to write about, but I just haven't gotten the chance to until now. So here I go.
(end awkward introduction.)

Chris and I watched Moonstruck the other day, after years of having people tell us that we have to see it, and also years of wondering how Cher could be a good enough actress to warrant any kind of award. So Chris got it on his Netflix, and we sat down to watch it.

There were some charming moments mixed into all the ridiculousness, but most of the time we were sitting there confused (and really upset by how early Nick Cage started acting that badly). The final scene kind of tied everything together and saved the film a little bit in our eyes, mostly because it was really funny, but I still had major problems with the entire plot, and here's why.

There is something about our culture and the films of our culture which leave us rooting for people in the movies that we would never root for in real life. Cher is a lonely, aging widow, who thinks that she can find happiness by marrying a man she doesn't love. She becomes engaged to him, which signals a promise in our culture. We understand pretty early on that the man she's engaged to is not the man she'll end up with at the end of the film, which sets up the whole plot from the beginning.

So Cher meets Ronnie, Johnny's brother, played by Nick Cage, and we see the sparks fly and she sleeps with him and he falls in love with her. Immediately, everyone is supposed to be rooting for this relationship to happen, because Cher is actually in LOVE with Ronnie. LOVE trumps promises and propriety. What if a close friend of mine behaved that way? I wouldn't be like, "Aw, its so cute that you're in love with him. Who cares about your fiance, everyone knows that you're in LOVE with his brother, so that makes it all okay in the end." It was especially odd because I was sitting next to my own fiance while watching all of this!

It happens thus in many films, not only ones made fairly recently. If a man or woman cheats on their partner or spouse, but its for LOVE, then it becomes automatically alright. Even we as movie-going Christians can probably admit to wanting the guy to end up with the nice cool girl instead of his demanding and domineering wife. Just leave the mess you've made and give up because you've fallen in love with someone infinitely cooler? It's just not biblical! If real people were acting this way, we'd be up in arms and telling them to go to counseling and save their marriage at all costs! Why is it different in the movies?

I think it is just another subtle way that a secular worldview worms its way back into our hearts and minds. I feel like I need to be much more vigilant about what I watch. Its strange how the Holy Spirit has worked in my life to get me to this point, but there you go. Moonstruck wasn't really worth watching after all, except for ONE redeeming part of the film: Cher's mom, who knows her husband is cheating on her, has the chance to invite a gentleman up to her room one night to have an affair of her own. She, however, does NOT choose to do so. He says, "Oh I'm sure there are people around and we wouldn't want to get caught." She says, "No, I'm not inviting you into my house because I know who I am..."

We as Christians really need to know who we are in Christ, so as not to get moonstruck by who the world expects us to be.

100 Days of Singleness

2008-05-01T12:06:00.002-06:00

That had nothing to do with anything except that I was glad to beat Paul (although Paul, that was my second time. First time I totally blanked and didn't get how the thing worked, but I took the second time directly after, with no cheating.)

Anyway.

Yes, I have a mere 100 days until I get to marry Chris and become Mrs. Tenny. I was mentioning to Chris yesterday that I should probably be savoring these last days of being single, but mostly I'll just be happy to live in the same house as him and have someone to come home to every night. The very best part is that "someone" will be the man that God planned for me to marry, so that's always good.

Meanwhile, we are getting through the beginning phases of wedding planning alright. There has been stresses here and there, and some tears on my part, but things have smoothed out already. I'm not anticipating that finalizing the guest list will be any kind of walk in the park, but I'm prepared for conflict. I'm prepared to not demand my own way, because although the guest list will be an essential element of the wedding day, it will NOT be an essential element to a happy and long-lasting marriage. We must continue to keep all things in the proper perspective. And really, anytime that Chris and I anticipate conflict, it rarely arises. It's so interesting how much more we get along than even we expect of ourselves.

I've got my dress picked out, both venues booked, the wedding website up and running (www.theknot.com/ourwedding/CassandraBertolucci&ChristopherTenny), wedding invitations designed, we've got our preliminary guest lists written and colors picked for the ceremony and reception, Chris has the officiant picked and notified, counseling to begin in the next few weeks, far away guests notified, and I think that's all for now. This weekend we'll finalize the guest list and invitation wording, and we might even get to start thinking about where we want to register for gifts! We haven't even been engaged for two weeks, so I think we're rather right on track.

So that's where we're at. We're more in love than ever, and I'll just comment that I think there's something to be said about change of status going from "Dating" to "Engaged". There's definitely a huge shift in attitude and direction (obviously), and I think that it affects the relationship in so many interesting ways. We are able to (and will have to) talk about things and consider things that wouldn't have been appropriate to discuss or consider before I had a ring on my finger. It's all new and exciting, and I'm just pumped about starting my married life in 100 days and counting!

Why I hate cake and flowers...

2008-04-24T18:44:00.002-06:00

Okay, I don't really hate flowers, but I do resent the fact that anyone expects me to drop any amount of money on something so ephemeral for my wedding day. Just get married in a GARDEN! (If anyone knows of a garden that will not steal my unborn children's college fund just to hold my wedding ceremony there, please let me know immediately!)

And cake. WHAT is the DEAL with this tradition? I hate cake! (Not the band...I love Cake with a big C). And most wedding cakes taste even worse than a normal cake, and yet this is another thing that people spend painful amounts of money on. For what? So they can take the same pictures that everyone else takes of you feeding the cake to each other? As if that really happens in the rest of your married life! If Chris tried to feed me cake, I'd be tempted to bite his finger. But he would know enough not to, because he's smart like that.

I'm sorry if I sound like a crazy and enraged human being (Freudian slip=I almost typed "engaged" instead of "enraged"), but that is exactly what I feel like. Is wedding planning supposed to feel like banging your head against a brick wall? Because if it is, then I have nothing to worry about and I'm on the right path.

Sigh. End vent.

For now.

Big Week Got Bigger.

2008-04-21T10:05:00.002-06:00

On Saturday, I got popped the question. Which question, you ask?
No, you probably don't ask. There is only one BIG question.
Chris met me at the door of his house after I had spent a long day in adoption classes. He was wearing his "I'm A Catch!" t-shirt, which made me laugh, plus a big ol' grin.
He gave me a kiss and I came in and asked him how his day went as I put my purse down. He told me something about Frisbee Golf with our church friends. As I turned to face him, he was standing really close and broke out with, "I need to ask you something!" I barely got time to stammer out, "Okay" when he was down on one knee and asked the aforementioned question.
And so, in the grand tradition, I said, "Awww Honey, of COURSE I'll marry you!" He didn't pop open the ring box at that moment, but rather handed it to me in a gift box. So after a bit of anticipation of opening two boxes...this is what I get to wear.

It's perfect. He was so glad that I liked it, and relieved. But I said, "What's not to like?" I was more looking at him when I said it, though. =)
We're most likely going to be joined in holy matrimony on August 10th of this year. So now, in addition to looking for a new car as my insurance stops paying for my rental, I am now the proud owner of a big ball of stress called "wedding planning". Then again, I am also the proud...um...owner (whatever) of a fiance! So it all evens out in the end.
The amount of people that I know and love and even the amount of perfect strangers that have told us that we look and act like we completely belong together, well, that's encouraging. Knowing that God had His mighty hand in all of this, that's what makes me so confident in this impending marriage. We are going to be such a great team, because besides getting along wonderfully and being totally in love, we've got God on our side to remind us of what true love looks like.

A Big Week

2008-04-18T22:55:00.002-06:00

This week started out normally, but it has gotten increasingly interesting as the days have passed.
Tuesday I was in a car crash that was my fault. I went through a green light that was very closely followed by a red light and just didn't see the latter. So, I daydreamed through a red light and slammed into some poor woman just trying to turn left to get to her second job. I totaled my Corolla and her Ranger. Lame.
The next couple of days I just spent in a funk, with my neck stiff and my outlook not-so-great. Wednesday it snowed a ridiculous amount, and we went out for a prayer walk...in the snow...in the dark. At least it gave me some perspective, and it ended in a hot tea and time with friends. (It also made me fall more madly in love with Chris, who despite all the odds and the whining, still insisted that it was our "Mission Week" and that we should Walk and Pray! What a man.)
Yesterday I found out that I'd need to return my rental car by Monday because the insurance company had cut me a check. The check is barely enough to cover a good used car, but I can finance and pay $50/month for the next two years to get something that I want that is slightly more expensive.
Today I had adoption training from 5pm to 9pm, and tomorrow it will be from 8am to 4pm. I didn't really know what to expect, but I thoroughly enjoyed the format, learned a lot and never got bored. It was amazing. Tomorrow we get a Continental Breakfast, too...I suppose as a consolation prize for getting out of bed at a rather ungodly hour on a Saturday.
So, things are looking up. I feel better about life, I'm more in love than ever (with both God and Chris), and I am convinced that there is no victory too small for Christ to see and give to us if we ask in faith and good motive.
Our God is the God of the universe, but he is also the God of my used car purchase! Yay for Him.

Lord, I was born a ramblin' (wo)man...

2008-04-08T15:31:00.004-06:00

Every year I have a day when I decide that, for me, it is officially spring.
Last year I donned a very festive green skirt, even though there were still patches of snow on the ground, and decided, "Too bad for the snow, cause its spring!"
This year, its today! I have a day off, the sun is shining, I went for a tiny Savers shopping spree ($11 and some-odd cents) and I really enjoyed driving with the windows down. If you know me, you know this is one of my most favorite things to do. Unfortunately, gas prices being what they are, the concept of going for drive might soon to become obsolete! Anyway, I was almost home from the shopping trip when the Allman Brothers came on the radio, singing "Ramblin' Man", which just so happens to be one of my all-time favorite driving/road trip tunes!
In honor of the "Cassie-decided" first day of spring, I drove right past my house and made a large loop just so I could feel the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin, and sing, "They're always havin' a good time down on the bayou, Lord...them delta women think the world of me!"
So, I just wanted to let you know...its official. Spring has sprung! =)

Protest.

2008-04-07T09:23:00.002-06:00

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
- Dave Barry

Ha ha, I just thought that quote was funny on iGoogle this morning, although it really has nothing to do with my thoughts today except for that word "Protestant".
I have been watching The Tudors on my Netflix for a few weeks now. Even though I feel like I know the story of King Henry VIII quite well, it has been very interesting to see how they choose to dramatize certain things and which parts of the story they choose and all that. It is also cool because they must have money enough to hire good actors, because people like Sam Neill, Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Jeremy Northam all play part in the royal court, giving it a little more star power than your average TV program.
Jeremy Northam, in fact, plays Sir Thomas More, a great name in church history, and a man of very sensitive scruples trying to survive in the royal court and keep his integrity as a man of God. He sees that his beloved Catholic Church is crumbling in England before his very eyes and uses his newfound power as Chancellor of the Realm to try and quash Reformers he sees as heretics. He gets to the point where he is so frantic against Martin Luther, Reformers, and the fact that the King of England is considering major reform of his own, that Sir Thomas More begins to burn the heretics. He doesn't go crazy or anything, but in the season finale, when the King asks him how many he's burnt, More replies, "Six. But all according to law. And all well done."
Stick with me here, I'm trying for more than a synopsis...I do have a point! One of the heretics that More decided to burn was a man called Mister Fish. He had written a pamphlet stating that (horror!) the Holy Scriptures should be available to every person in their own native tongue, and that Christ had appointed us all to a royal priesthood, and therefore we had no need of priests on the Earth. This is basic Protestant stuff. But Mister Fish was BURNED at the stake for writing such a thing. BURNED!! He went to his death with Catholic priests uttering Latin prayers towards him, and when asked to recant of his heresy, he instead starts boldly praying The Shepherd's Psalm IN ENGLISH as he is engulfed in flames.
I thought about that today as I read my Bible in Greek, but then was able to read it again out loud in English, which of course I can readily understand. I often think about people in China who have died for possession of one page of the Holy Bible...one page which lead them to Christ and eternal life and which they probably treasured above all other things. Someone translated it into their Chinese dialect, and that is not heresy anymore. I don't often think about the people who were burned at the stake and thrown out of the Holy Catholic Church for paving the way for things like that.
Doesn't it make you want to kinda hug your Bible a little bit? Is that sacrilegious? I don't really know. It makes me appreciate all the more the Reformers who stood up in a dangerous time to things that were revealed to them to be wrong. They gave us the Bible in our own language, and the belief that we are a holy priesthood and that we are all saints. They even gave us the right to wear hideous clothes and play golf and have Dave Barry make jokes about us...because without the blood of the martyrs, what sort of Church would we be?

The Ultimate TEST! (dun dun dunnnn)

2008-04-01T10:09:00.002-06:00

Well, here we are. Lent is over; Easter was a joyous day spent reflecting the wonder of our risen savior among many friends. And this past weekend was spent in what is meant to be one of the ultimate relationship tests: traveling with the beau.
Chris and I embarked on a plane pretty early in the morning this past Friday en route to San Jose, California for my cousin Brittany's wedding. Even early in the morning, Chris and I had no disputes or tiffs or anything of the sort. We flew together fine, we waited together fine. We woke up in the same house and kissed each other good morning just fine. And even when our flight back to reality required us to wake at 4am, we got along perfectly well. And even when the only tension of the trip, a ticking clock and a very, very flat tire, presented itself...we handled it as a team. Perhaps my part of the team was the shivering-cold,-don't-do-anything-to-get-in-his-way part, but I did give input on "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey", as well as help reattach some bolts.
All in all, someone mentioned near to the END of the trip that it was supposed to be a really difficult thing, or a really telling thing, to travel with the one you love (but the one you aren't legally required to stay with yet). If that's true, then either Chris and I are still firmly in the lovey-dovey phase (well, yeah) or we just get along really well (also yeah). Either way, it was a lovely weekend with family and a beautiful ceremony and reception, and I'm very grateful that I got to be there!

Shut up and sleep.

2008-02-28T10:26:00.002-07:00

I have learned that in our busy world, sometimes rest can actually be a discipline. I woke up this morning at 6:30am, after having a rough night of sleep, and only getting to bed at midnight anyway. I was in pain, and I knew I would have to get up to take something, so I thought, 'What the hay, the I might as well get up and pray since I probably couldn't get back to sleep if I tried.'
I ate some yogurt so I could take an Aleve, made myself a cup of tea, then sat down to read my devotions like I always do these days. I got through the reading, barely. I had to read most sentences twice because I couldn't focus for the life of me. I literally kept nodding off, and no amount of slapping myself or drinking my tea was helping to keep me awake. I thought, 'I can't nod off while I'm praying, that just defeats the whole point of getting up early to pray!' This has not been a problem the whole time I've been trying to get up early to pray for Lent.
So, after fifteen minutes of staring like a zombie, open-mouthed and half-lidded, I decided it would be better if I just went back to bed for an extra hour of sleep. I would get up at the normal time, alert and ready to pray.
Or not.
I didn't get up until 9:30am this morning, and I'm not going to lie to you, it felt GOOD! I don't feel guilty or anything like that, I just feel rested and jolly and ready to face the day.
And, at 58 degrees in February, what a day it will be!

Wake Up and Smell the Nation.

2008-02-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

So, in case you're slightly behind in my life, the season of Lent started on Wednesday (Ash Wednesday) and instead of "giving something up", as many people are wont to do, I have decided to rise an hour earlier every morning in a practice of discipline. In that extra hour of time in the morning, I also practice other disciplines, including (but not all together!) prayer, meditation, Bible-reading, exercise, silence, and others.
Okay, you're caught up.
So today being a glorious and unseasonably warm day, I decided that I would get straight up out of bed, slap my shoes on, grab scarf, jacket and sunglasses and head out the door to walk the mile around the lake right next to our house. I had a song stuck in my head, one that I had first heard in Australia. Some of the snippets are,

You said, Ask and you will receive whatever you need...
You said, Ask and I'll give the nations to you.
Oh Lord, it is the cry of my heart."

The cold woke me up pretty quickly, but it still took me about 3/4 of a mile to figure out for what reason this song could be running through my head this morning. I finally thought, Hey perhaps I'm supposed to pray for our nation. *silence* Where the heck do I start?!
When I got home, I sat down to read my devotions and my Bible. Today's passage came from 1 Timothy 2:1,2. I read it in the Greek first, understood about 1/8 of the words (this is a humbling daily discipline), then read it in English. The devotion was about how important it is to pray for our leaders, no matter whether we agree with them or not. If a nation is united in its prayer, not for the success of their personal agendas, but for THE GOOD OF THE NATION, I believe we'd get a lot more accomplished.
If I pray for George W., it does NOT mean that I agree with everything he does, or that I think that he's listening to the voice of God just because I'm praying for him! (Yikes!) It means that I care about our nation and our people, and I don't want to see it come to ruin. I think its good that we've been taken down a peg or two, but I certainly don't want to be invaded, or have our economy crash or anything! These are things I can be praying for.
This is so pertinent, I think, in the face of recent Super Tuesday events. People are so excited about ousting the current president, that its easy to forget that he's still in the White House, plugging away until next year! Our leaders need our prayer! Not only our fathers, pastors, congressmen, and senators, but our President and all the people bidding for his seat for the next four years. Our whole land lies in the balance. God will not bless sin, but that doesn't mean He won't let us realize the consequences of our actions as a nation. However, I do believe He will uphold a nation of praying believers!
My personal challenge for today will be to pray for our nation, and in the words of Paul in his first letter to Timothy, "...for kings, and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness."

Into the Great Wide Open

2008-02-04T23:19:00.000-07:00

(Thank you, Tom Petty)
It's so amazing. Life is very unpredictable, and as much as you think you might know where you are going and what you will be doing ten years from now, you can never truly be sure. I, for one, relish this. Not knowing where you're going is so exciting, and it really makes you rely on God all the more.
Take me, for instance. I have no idea where I'll be in the next six months, let alone ten years. Six months from now, my life could radically change forever or it could look generally the same. What do I know? I could be married, single, at home, abroad, happy, freaked out, contented, uneasy...all of the above...
That's life! It's great! I wouldn't go to a psychic/soothsayer/tarot reader/general future-knower if you paid me, because I don't want to know what's ahead for me. God doesn't want me to know, either, because He knows I probably would start planning and getting too worked up about things and forget completely about the "now", the things that are right in front of me, the work I've got to do to get where I'm going. He's pretty smart like that.
I want to pray through every step I take.
Throughout Lent, I hope to be doing just that with my extra waking hour in the morning. It will be so great to see how this works itself out in practice. I'll keep you updated. This is going to be great!
PS. Our trip to the mountains this past weekend was great. If you don't believe in God, I suggest you move to the Rocky Mountains and then shut your trap. You've got nothin'.

We Are Family...

2008-01-31T00:26:00.000-07:00

I had quite the talk with my youngest sister tonight over the phone, which is probably the longest we've gotten to talk since last May when we traveled the Mediterranean together. We spoke about things that are exciting (we're both in love with men seven years older than us), things which frighten and distress us (family issues...long story), and things that make us happy and make us laugh (each other).
I find it so interesting that though the adults in our lives, the people who were are parents, have made such ridiculously bad decisions that have torn us apart, though life has taken us and scattered us all over the world, though we grow older and mature in ways that are separate, we remain sisters through it all. This goes for my older sisters and my little brother, too (who remains my brother, not my sister!). There is a love that is inexplicable as it is delightful, that binds us as nothing else in the world does. It is truly a gift from God that five people with messed up family trees could grow up and still want to have contact with one another, still be involved in the lives of the others in a positive way.
I value my relationships with my siblings so much. I thank God that He saw fit to bless me with these four very different and amazing people. We are family, in the truest sense of the word.

Lengthening of Days

2008-01-28T12:42:00.001-07:00

It has been quite awhile since I've written here, and I plan on being much more deliberate from now on.
This has been prompted partly by the advent of the season of Lent. Though I attend a Baptist-affiliated church, and was raised in non-liturgical churches in my youth, I think I have explained in previous years why I choose to celebrate certain seasons of the liturgical calendar. The simple explanation is that I had a Catholic grandmother who was excellent at explaining the importance she found in liturgical observances, and I clung to them because I saw how they benefited her in her walk with Christ. Also, I'll admit it, I like structure! =)
At any rate, my wonderful pastor/boyfriend gave a stirring message at church last night about fasting and the different ways it can be done and the good and bad reasons to fast. He, too, was prompted by the oncoming Lenten season to begin thinking of things he could do to observe the 40 days leading up to Easter. We were all encouraged as a congregation to think about things that have become compulsions for us, things which tear us away from our focus on God, addictions, things we like a little too much, etc... and to consider them all prayerfully as things we could fast from.
I have thought and prayed, and I have decided that I am going to get up one hour earlier every day of Lent in order to take more time with God in the morning. This could mean reading my Bible, praying, reading a devotion, meditation, worship or any number of other disciplines that I need to be better at (which is every discipline, really). In addition to this, I am going to limit my internet usage to one hour a day. Really, I don't need it for my job and anything else is just a waste of time. I do not need more than an hour to check my e-mail and write a blog, for heaven's sake!
So, I guess I could glut myself on sleep and internet until next Wednesday, but maybe I should begin preparing for the fast now.
Signing off!

Child-like?

2007-08-29T14:02:00.000-06:00

I have been in many a stressful situation lately. My life seems to be moving rather fast, and I feel like I don't have time to sit and reflect on anything. I feel like I am only able to react to whatever comes at me, and then move on. I'm not used to this!
I've taken lately, however, to praying a lot more about everything and anything. If I am not able to handle it, I certainly know that God is! So I hand directly over to him anything that begins to stress me out. I pray out loud, I cry; I do whatever it takes to make my needs known, even though He already knows exactly what they are.
Then I read something in Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest" about being child-like before God. I always thought that meant sweet and innocent. But I think I am learning more the real meaning of child-likeness as I go through life, and especially as I work with children every day.
The thing about children is this: they are not necessarily so sweet and innocent. But they have something going for them that many adults don't: they trust their parents without reserve. They make their needs known by crying out to their Mom or Dad, knowing that their needs will be met. Would that we could always be like that with God! I have found that this works. Audacious, child-like prayers are what God wants to hear. We realize that we are indeed still the child, so we don't demand without respect, but rather we ask in total trust that we will be taken care of. It's so easy, only a child would have thought of it!

Contentment in all things.

2007-08-27T13:55:00.000-06:00

It's HARD!
Life throws you curves and stresses and large piles of poo in this fallen world, and yet we are called to be content. Paul tells in Philippians that he has learned to be content in all situations and circumstances. He said, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." It's probably one of verses of the Bible that's taken out of context the most.
It doesn't mean that I can jump off a cliff and fly or disappear or have x-ray vision because Christ gives me strength. Rather, in context, it means that because we have the strength of Christ, we are able and equipped to deal with whatever life throws us.
I'm trying my best to rely on Christ today. My day has sucked, sucked, sucked so far. Stresses are piling up. I know Jesus will help me through it all. I trust that He is both sovereign and good. But that doesn't make it any easier to be content in the midst of madness that is not necessarily of my making!
However, it was pointed out to me by someone quite wise that Paul tells us that he has LEARNED to be content in all things. It is something that must be practiced and prayed over, not something that is easily attained. Paul was a SAINT, after all. But then again, so am I (small "s")... So here I go...

The Mystery Of Believing

2007-07-18T08:20:00.000-06:00

I read My Utmost For His Highest every morning before work. Oswald Chambers is, to me, a genius at wording things in exactly the way I understand. Not only that, but many times, it is also exactly the thing I need to hear.
So this morning I read "The Mystery of Believing" from the aforementioned book, and it said this, "Many a soul begins to come to God when he flings off being religious, because there is only one Master of the human heart, and that is not religion, but Jesus Christ."

Now, I don't know if you know this about me, but I really despise being called "religious". I understand that for many non-spiritual people, that's the only word that they have in their vocabulary to describe someone like me, someone they see as a Christian, or as following a bunch of rules for no reason (depends on your viewpoint). But, like Chambers, I believe that religion is NOT the answer. Not only that, but I believe that religion slowly kills spirituality. Once I start clinging to the guidelines of my faith, but forget the reason that I am following them, I begin to become legalistic, Pharisaic, and in short, religious!

Jesus. Jesus is who I follow. Not the Pope, not any synod or governing church body (although of course I believe one should respect God-given authority to a certain extent), but only Jesus. He is the Master of my heart, as strange as that may sound. The reason I associate with being a "Christian" is because the word itself means "Christ-like", which is what I strive to be. Also, I associate myself with other Christians because as a whole we are the body of Christ, attempting to bring His love and hope to the people of this world. As a Christian, I am not "right" or "left" or "fundamental" or "liberal". I am simply a Christian. Just Jesus. That is all!

His eye is on the sparrow...

2007-07-12T06:49:00.000-06:00

I am having one of those mornings where I wake up and already I feel overwhelmed by the day. I'm sad, but still hopeful. I'm thankful, but still a little upset with my life in general. Just...overwhelmed. I get to the point when I start to ask God the silly question..."Why?!" "Why this, why that, why me? Wah wah wah."
So I tried to stop myself. I read the last two chapters of Job.
Now, a lot of people know the story of Job from the Bible, and a lot of people get angry with God or Christianity or just angry in general when they read it. I think it is so misunderstood. Yeah, Job had to suffer a lot of crap and God let it happen. I think we can all relate to that. I feel stupid about my petty worries when I read what Job's trials were. But the last chapters of the book pretty much go like this.

Job: Why God? Why me? Why all this crap?
God: Um, excuse me... Look, I love you, but you are not God. Did you put the stars in the sky and teach the angels how to sing? Did you create any of the amazing stuff in this world? Can you add one minute to your life on your own power?
Job: Uhh, no. Sorry God.
God: That's what I thought. Here's everything you lost back, but double. Be blessed for the rest of your life because of your faithfulness. I love you.

(Yeah, that was a real paraphrase, I know!)
Anyway, what does this have to do with anything? Well, whenever I get to the point when I want to ask God "Why?" I try to re-direct my thinking.
My new questions go something like this:
What awesome things does God want me to learn out of this?
What change does He want to make in me for the better?
How will living through this time help me to love others better?
AND EVEN (because I'm human, after all) What blessings does He want to bestow on me because of this?

I'm not perfect. I feel within myself the capacity for great evil, for even greater sin. But every day I am trying...trying to redirect my thoughts and reign them in for good and not ill. God help me from myself...

When the truth is found to be lies...

2007-06-12T16:58:00.000-06:00

I feel like my spiritual life has been in direct opposition to my physical life for a few weeks now. While my life as I see it and know it is pretty much in shambles, my spiritual life is exciting and life-changing in so many ways. This is just another example of God working in my weakness, of God swooping in just when I feel like I can't take it anymore.
I've been learning, therefore, a lot about truth and lies.
Things I've taken for granted as true...these things have lately been shattered, revealed as false. One example of this, which may seem kind of silly, is that pretty much all my life I have thought of myself as just OK-looking. I don't know where that came from, or who enforced it, but I have believed it forever. Only lately have a whole bunch of people been saying to me, both in word and in deed, "Oh, you didn't know? You're totally gorgeous!"
No. I didn't know! I have believed many lies concerning this...my legs aren't long enough, my hair is too curly, my skin isn't perfect so that must mean I'm ugly. Apparently not. (I am still trying to grasp this...)
I also believe lies about who I am as a person. Sometime long ago, someone told me I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't worth anything. While my outer demeanor may bely it, I realize through a series of revelations that I actually, in my heart of hearts, believe this! It's been holding me back from trying new things, from succeeding in my talents, from living the kind of life I am supposed to be living. I almost don't even blame the liar, but more the lie itself and myself for believing it.
Amazingly, God has been bringing these lies to light and showing me how I might silence the voices that tell them. He, as ever, has been pointing me towards the truth. The truth is God, and figuring out how God views me as a person has been an eye-opening experience. I have love. I have acceptance. I have more freedom than ever before.
Before we are Christians, we love ourselves for our own sake. When we come to Christ, we love God for our own sake...because he saved us, because he has done things for us. As we mature in our walk, we begin to love God for God's sake, simply because He is. But I have been told that the height of Christian maturity is actually to begin to love ourselves for God's sake. God made us in His image. Only once we free ourselves from self-loathing and all the lies that encumber us, can we then love others in a way that is free from hindrance.
I don't know that many people actually reach this level of maturity. There is so much of our own insecurity wrapped up in the way we love other people. But I'm working on what this new way would look like. I want to live freely and love the same way. And I realize that in fact, that's what Christ had in mind for us all along.
Amazing.

Lamentation

2007-05-06T14:08:00.000-06:00

Sometimes life goes well for the Christian. Job, family, relationships, ministry...all in states of healthiness and all thriving.

Sometimes, however, the life of a Christian, just like the life of any other person living in this fallen world...sucks.

I'm living in one of these times. Thankfully, not all of the aspects of my life are difficult, which is probably why I am still standing upright and speaking in coherent sentences. My job is fulfilling; there is no romance, but I still have pretty good relationships with my friends near and far; the ministries I am involved in seem to be doing well, doing good things. Family...well, not so great.

Details of that aside, I have come into a state of what I believe is healthy Christian mourning or lamentation. No person is going to rejoice when their family is having problems; they will most likely be a little downcast, a little sad. There is no reason to "suck it up" or "smile through the pain", especially when I think about the Biblical books of Job or Lamentations. It's OK to admit that life sucks sometimes. The world is in a sorry state, and it's OK to cry about that, too. Righteous tears and indignation will hopefully spur me to prayer and action.

After all, I still have the eternal joy of knowing Jesus, and I still have a whole lot of good happening in my world. I'm not about to jump off a cliff. I just need to cry a little. It has nothing to do with hormones or with being a girl, it has to do with being a human being in a fallen world.

PSALM 42

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Sexy - Sex = Why?

2007-04-19T13:18:00.000-06:00

I just read an article in Christianity Today that posed the question to it's readers: What does it mean to be created a sexual human being...who's not having sex? It's a conundrum that many single Christians deal with, I think, and I feel that it is particularly pertinent in my life right now.
In church and classes we've been talking a lot about gender roles, about funny quirks of men and women, and how the church has handled (or not handled) these issues in relation to us single folk. One must admit, as much as I believe in abstinence before marriage, it is a very strange dichotomy in this day and age to exist in the sex-saturated society and try to remain untouched by it!
Can we, as women, be sexy without becoming sex objects? Or should I use the words "attractive" or "feminine" to describe what I mean? Sometimes, I believe, the church has pushed us to a point where I feel like I need to be gender-neutral so I don't cause anyone to lust. From the time I went through puberty, I have always thought, "That's complete bullocks!"
Why would the good Lord give me hips and breasts (besides the obvious baby argument) that are attractive to men, and then expect me to spend my days figuring out how to hide them? Now, don't get me wrong, I also believe in modesty, but I am not going to go around in a potato sack so no one will notice that I have a figure! I want to get married some day!! (and when I have babies...THEN my hips and breasts will have dual purposes. Ha!)
Last night, I was having a talk with my non-Christian friends about this. It is very interesting to hear their perspective, and also the subtle ways that knowing me and my choices has changed their perspectives. While they used to make fun of me, and sometimes give me friendly ribbing still, I know that they respect me for it, and consider it to be a pretty good idea, on the whole. They have also seen how many times I am approached in bars, and how I have to try and handle these situations with tact (No, I will NOT have sex with you in the bathroom!). So they know that it's not for lack of opportunity that I am still a virgin (I'm in a band...come on!), but that it is a daily choice, even a moment-by-moment choice that I make out of deference for God's will rather than my own. It's also not that I go to extremes and either dress like a nun or a slut (unless t-shirt and jeans fits into these categories somehow), and they know that, too.
I just thought that this was a very intriguing question. The answers that people gave in the actual article can be found here.
If you have an opinion on this, I would like to hear it! I don't think I touched on half the things I would like to say on the subject, but this was my scattered first attempt.
I think my next step in answering this question in a Godly way is to go and read Song of Songs. (Woo woo!)

Moral Responsibility

2007-04-09T10:52:00.000-06:00

I have this friend, see...
She can't make up her mind between the guy she's been dating forever, and the guy she can't seem to shake, who happens to be married with children. My dad and I are friends with all three unfortunate individuals in this love triangle. She hops partners so fast it makes my head spin.
I can't believe that her boyfriend keeps taking her back, after she has time and again betrayed him and publicly gone around town with this married man, who also used to be her boyfriend's best friend. (Yes, like sand through the hourglass...these are the Days of Our Lives!)
So I had a party at my house yesterday, and she was invited. She brought her lover to my house instead of her "boyfriend". I didn't know what my moral responsibility was in this situation. I wished I had a Christian version of Dear Abby to pose the question to. I felt like I didn't want this female friend in my house, flouting the concept of family and marriage and fidelity on the most holy day of the Christian calendar (or any other day, for that matter!)
But she had been invited and told she could bring guests. I couldn't very well kick her out, for I was the hostess, and she had also brought her teenage son along with his girlfriend, and they were nice and polite young people. I still don't know what I should have done, or how I should react to her in the future. I feel like the next time I see her back with her original boyfriend, I will scream. But if I see her out with her "other" guy, I will not want to talk to them at all.
Am I making too big a deal out of this? I know that in society, people would say this is really 'none of my business'. But if these people are my friends, and I have to communicate with them and be around them, and they bring their sordid affairs into my house...it BECOMES my business.
*sigh* What's a girl to do?

Watch this space...

2007-04-05T10:04:00.000-06:00

It seems it has been awhile since I've written the ol' blog, and I thought today would be an appropriate day. I've had the weirdest last four days or so, and I cannot help but think, "What the heck is God doing?"
I'm not asking this in an impertinent way; I'm actually excited to see what it is. For some reason I have the feeling that there is a point to all the weirdness and moments of discomfort that I've been having. It all stems back to a single theme, so as I said, I'm excited to see what God does with me and with my life.
I will also comment that it is so good to be able to rely on God to be constantly changing and working through us. Even when I feel like my life may be stagnant (not recently, but I most certainly have felt that way), God is still present and he is still at work. When I try to imagine a life without God and the hope of heaven, I am overwhelmed with loneliness and despair. I'm sorry, but I just can't understand how people can be content to go through life without any real purpose!
OK, end rant. With Easter coming up, I feel like many things are coming into sharp focus for me, spiritually. For this, and the empty tomb, I am eternally grateful.

Great Jehoshaphat!!

2007-03-08T11:48:00.000-07:00

So many things in the Old Testament really speak to me. 2 Chronicles 20 is no exception. I actually cried while reading it. No joke.

Moabites, Ammonites, and men from Mt. Seir are marching on Judah unprovoked. They have a vast army, they're on their way, and King Jehoshaphat has no idea what to do. So he does the best thing a man can do when he's at the end of his own wisdom, that is, he called upon the Lord. He pronounced a fast for all of Judah, and he prayed in front of the entire kingdom, pleading for God's help.

I think the key words of his prayer were: "For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

And through the discernment of a man called Jahaziel, God answered:
"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." He goes on to say, "You will not have to fight this battle."

Now, we know from previous parts of the Old Testament that the Lord is a Warrior, the Lord is our Banner, and the rest of the war-like attributes of YHWH. Judah might not have known that they literally would have to fight NO battle. They might have thought that Jehovah would be fighting with and for them and that they would succeed. Not so.

Not one from the kingdom of Judah perished. Not one had to swing a sword or loose an arrow. At the vanguard of the army of Judah, King Jehoshaphat placed men worshipping and praising God, presumably instead of his strongest fighters, and as they crested the hill to the battlefield...

...no army waited for them there! Well, that's incorrect...there was an army, but every Moabite, Ammonite and Meunite warrior that had marched out against Judah lay dead on the ground. They had ambushed and scuffled with each other, and by the time Judah got there, none had survived. If the Lord can slay an entire army of men without any help from His people, how much more so our little problems and worries!

"Do not be discouraged. Do not be afraid. The Lord is with you."

What more needs to be said?

Answered Prayers (?)

2007-03-06T10:36:00.000-07:00

I'll be the first to admit that my life is pretty blessed. If I didn't believe in divine providence, I might even describe myself as "lucky". The past ten years of my life have been pretty darn great, and I would be the world's biggest ingrate to complain about anything, really.

The problem with this is that I start getting ridiculously optimistic about everything. When people do things or try things and fail, I will always think that I'll be different. I went on a blind date awhile ago, actually thinking, "It can't possibly be as bad as all that!" Well, surprise! It was. Still, I chalk it up to experience and move on.

Things that I pray for usually happen, too. I'm not saying I'm ever-so-holy and have the secret to prayer or anything. I'm just stating what I know: for whatever reason, God generally answers my prayers in amazing ways. So when I pray for my friends and family, I naturally assume that things will all work out how I think they should. Last night, however, I got the startling realization that, as the old song says, "it ain't necessarily so".

We in my Sunday school class have been praying for one of our own brothers. He had a trial at court yesterday, and instead of turning out how we'd hoped, he's been sentenced to two years of incarceration. When I heard this, I literally could not believe it. I sat there staring and shaking my head. "This isn't right," my brain was thinking. I simply could not compute that something like this would happen...hadn't I been praying?!

Of course, I had. We had all been praying. But no matter what, God is still God. He knows what He's doing, and we must trust this above all. Perhaps our brother can do more good for the Kingdom while he is inside the walls of prison, I don't know. That's where he was first touched by God's love and mercy, so maybe it's now his job to bring it to others. Perhaps this is just earthly consequences for earthly screw-ups. Again, I don't know. I don't need to know.

What I do need to do...I assume we will be able to visit him, bring cookies and brownies and books and smiles and whatnot. It might be hard to visit very often because of course he has family and girlfriend and all that will have first priority. But what I will certainly not do is stop praying. Never, ever stop praying.

Ephesians 6 says "Pray in the spirit on all occasions, with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

Lent. With an "E".

2007-02-26T11:25:00.000-07:00

Everyone likes to make jokes about "lint" when I say something about the season of Lent. Thus, the title of this blog.

Anyway, the Lenten season is upon us, and for many people I know who grew up Protestant, this means little. Lent, for those who were not raised Catholic or simply don't know, is the forty days (not counting Sundays) leading up to Easter. I cannot fully explain why I observe Lent, but I do believe it has something to do with wanting to embrace the gravity and holiness of the days leading up to the crucifixion and resurrection of our Savior. Also, I liked to meet my Grandma half-way with things when I was growing up, like reading her Catholic Bible, learning to say the Rosary (not necessarily doing it, but knowing about it), and things like that. My mom and I liked to keep an open religious forum in our family. But I digress.

Lent is not simply about "giving up" things. I do not do the whole vegetarian thing like many Catholics do, with allowances for fish on Friday. In fact, I had steak last night...on a Sunday! However, I have forsaken certain things that I like in order to hopefully become more focused on spiritual things. It's a form of fasting.

For me this year, I have chosen to give up all alcohol and not allow myself to watch over one hour of TV a day. If I watch a movie, I make an exception. I found myself watching too much TV lately, and thought that there were certainly more contructive ways to use my time. I'm not fooling myself or anyone else by saying that all this extra time and energy is going to be put toward prayer or reading my Bible...I'm not that holy! But when I turn off the TV after only one episode of Law and Order (instead of three or more!), I think about why I am doing it. When I sheepishly tell the waitress at a bar that I would like some hot chocolate instead of a shot of schnapps or something, I think about the conviction and reasoning behind it. It's a bonus when people ask me why I'm doing it...I get to witness to them a bit!

So there you go. I think about my Grandma Betty a lot during this season, too. It makes me sad and happy at the same time: sad because I miss her, but happy because I know she's in Heaven and having a great time, and that I will see her someday soon. Lately, I find myself wearing a lot of the jewelry she gave me, just as a little remembrance. My days are imbued with a little more meaning in this season, and I don't think anyone can fault that!

Days After the Dunking

2007-02-13T14:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess I'm an official member of Bear Valley Church...seeing as they got their wish to baptize me again! I've got to say, I don't feel much different...not that I really expected to. Wouldn't it be nice if a good dunking on a winter's day could completely transform your Christian walk and make you feel more holy? Well, too bad! Doesn't work like that.
Truth is, like maintaining any other sort of relationship, keeping close to God when there's all this busy-ness about can be difficult. To keep up a relationship, there must be communication and sometimes I feel I'm sadly lacking on my end of the deal.
Lent is coming up and I think that there might be more of a feeling of communion with God, as I forsake certain things that I love on this Earth, in deference to the more important things that are spiritual and cannot be seen. We'll see, we'll see...

Two Weeks Later...

2007-02-04T00:24:00.000-07:00

So it has been exactly two weeks since I decided to stop drinking when I go out at night. I think, to be exact, that I have had two thimbles of sake at sushi, and one margarita when we went out for Mexican. Oh yes, and the obligatory wine with dinner when we went to Mongolian. All of those times I was out to dinner with Dad, a loophole that I expressly built into the new rules. Reason? Good question, with multiple answers: so I won't be an annoying tee-totaller (it could happen!), so Dad won't drink alone (co-dependent reason?), because I felt like it.

I think that since alcohol has been ingrained in the way I go about my business for the last four years or so, it was a bit of a leap to say NO MORE, in that very cold turkey fashion. So I've allowed myself these loopholes not to exploit, but to hopefully re-develop a good relationship with alcohol. I certainly don't want alcohol to be on a pedestal, but nor do I want it to be demonized. I think, above all, that I needed to realize it was my own behavior that was wrong, not the drink itself.

That said, come Lent I will be fasting from alcohol altogether, as well as coffee...heretofore my two favorite liquids!! Hopefully this will mean a) I will be able to focus on Christ's Passion and Resurrection, the meaning of the Lenten season, and b) that I will realize that I can thrive independently from liquids which alter my mood and mental state. Maybe I'll even drink more water, who knows?!

So that was just a little update into my progress. I haven't had a drink in a bar or a club for two whole weeks, and I can only think of one time that I was tempted to break the new rule. Praise God for spiritual conviction, and for the work of the Holy Spirit in my life.

Wilde Wisdom

2007-01-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

Oscar Wilde said, "One can always be kind to people whom one cares nothing about."

Usually I agree with the smart-arse things that Oscar Wilde is recorded as saying, but after the events of last night, I can't say I agree with this one.

There is a woman who has recently come to live in our house. She's the girlfriend of the man who lives in our basement. Word on the street is that before she came to live with us, she was a nice sober Catholic girl who still lived with her parents into her forties. All I know of her is that she seems to be a very small, constantly drunk woman. Her and her boyfriend always...and I mean always...come home drunk. I'm usually trying to watch a little TV after work on the couch, which has the ill-fortune of being right by the front door. They seriously cannot take the most blatant hint, because no matter how much I turn up the volume or try not to listen to them, they will continue to talk to me about inane things, breath through their mouths on me, and generally act like idiots.

So last night, the woman corners me while I'm loading dishes into the dishwasher and she starts talking to me about how afraid she is of me. "I'm really, really shy," she insists. I realize that's probably why she only talks to me, in very large quantities, while she's drunk. Unfortunately for her, the main reason I would NOT want to talk to her is that she always tries to have conversations while she's drunk!! We are at an impasse. So here's this forty-something woman trying to ask me to teach her to knit so that we can watch movies and knit together.

I'm thinking, The last thing I need is to befriend another one of these psychos that live in the basement. They always turn out to be insane, and then they move out six months later or something. I don't want to knit and watch movies with you. I can barely stand the sight of you. I want to slap you whenever you come near me and slur your words and cry at me. I feel guilty because I don't really think this is the ideal Christian response to this situation. Even last night, while she was drunkenly trying to discuss which church she should start attending, it was all I could do not to scream.

Last night kind of devolved from there, ending in her screaming at her boyfriend in the basement at 12:30am, and my Dad coming out of his room to tell them to Shut...the f@&*... up! Oh, it was gloriously reminiscent of my childhood. Could we please have adventures like this every night?! (She said, every word dripping with sarcasm...)

Is it unChristian of me to launch a campaign to get them out of our house? I feel I will soon be driven mad.

Take THAT Oscar Wilde.

Dry

2007-01-21T14:51:00.000-07:00

As of last night, I have stopped drinking. It's not because I was leaning over a toilet all night (I wasn't) or because I have a killer hangover (I don't). I just finally realized that in most situations, I cannot seem to handle myself in a mature and temperant fashion. In bars or clubs, I almost always drink too much and behave in a way that I wouldn't normally.
I vow not to be a complete tee-totaller. If there is a champagne toast, I will take it. If there is wine with dinner, I might consider it. But otherwise, I'm staying dry. I'm sure I won't even really miss it. I'm sure my body and brain cells will thank me. I know my guilt reflex will get a bit of a break, at least!
That's all, really. I prayed last night that I am able to stick with my decision. Perhaps one day I will be able to move up in the world, and control myself like a normal human. Until then...

Leadership

2007-01-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

I feel I am being catapulted into a new phase of life...one rife with responsibility, the likes of which I haven't felt the pressures of since being Student Council President of my college. Back then, I was not just a figure head to a giant mass of people...I was on a first name basis with probably 60% of the Student Body, and the personal friend of many of the professors, whom we called by their first names. It was a Christian college, and there were certain things I didn't do that year that I might have done any other time (get a tattoo, be a photographer's model, etc...) because I considered my responsibility to these people important. I wanted to be above reproach, no matter how silly or trivial that reproach may have seemed to me then.

Now, a leader in our church is proposing a Sunday night young adult service (college age, if you must put a further label on it!). The leadership positions for this service are up for grabs, as it were, and being one who has her degree in Music Ministry, I was approached as a choice to lead worship. Basically I was told that I would be handed the reins, that I could do what I felt led to do; what I was trained for three intense years to do well. More than flattery, this was huge for me. I haven't as yet done anything in the vein related to the degree I hold. I have thus far felt I wasn't prepared for more leadership positions, that my life was not right on track where a leader's should be.

This feeling was exacerbated when I saw the papers yesterday that we are to sign when we are to be considered for these positions. They were pretty general, stating commitment lengths and job descriptions and the like. But of course, there were those words, echoing those in the Bible, about being a Christian in good standing, who leads the kind of life that could uphold scrutiny, one that would be above reproach. I say without compunction that this is probably not the life I have been leading in Colorado up to this point. When you think about leading a life that everyone looks at and thinks, "Yup, they're doing everything right!"...the thought is quite daunting! How do these people do it?

I like to have a drink or two. I like to get loud when I play pool. I'm sarcastic and say ridiculous things for a laugh. I've stated before that I don't really follow all the rules of being a "lady": no one's looking to me for etiquette and gracefulness. I know this perhaps has little to do with being a good Christian woman, but sometimes I can get caught up in thinking that living a life above reproach is living a life that is perfect and well, more than a little fake. Yes, I love God with all my being. Yes, I want to be always smack dab in the middle of His will for my life. Yes, I have held leadership positions in the past. Why am I so gun-shy now?

My insecurities aside, through thought and prayer I have discerned that this position is probably the direction that my life is heading in. Just before all this business of the new Sunday service came along, I was putting things in motion to become a member of Bear Valley Church. Since they are associated with the Baptist church, this means I would have to be baptized again, because I was not immersed the first time. At first I chafed against this idea. Was one baptism not good enough for these people? I've been a Christian for ten years! Then I let humility and reason take over. Immersion perhaps is a slightly better symbol of what baptism means. I will be getting baptized on February 11th, 2007, and when I emerge from the waters a cleansed woman of God, I will consider this yet another stepping stone into my new life.

Whether all this new service stuff comes to be or not, I know that God has not called me to lead a quiet life. My whole existence up to now points to leadership, points to being perhaps more accountable than the average person. I have many a spiritual story to back this up! So, all future implications aside, yesterday will be marked as a turning point in my life. I need to change my attitudes, my habits, my outlook on Christianity and where I fit into the big picture of grace and redemption. I need to accept mercy with humility, and grasp opportunity with both hands and a grateful and solemn heart.

Jellyfish. Whale.

2007-01-02T23:15:00.000-07:00

I hate New Year's resolutions. I can't really articulate why, which is bad for someone who professes to be a writer...but I hate the idea of them. I guess I hate the idea of waiting until a whole year is up to decide to change all your bad habits...or at least say you will.

But, with all my hating, I will admit that I have submitted somewhat and changed my habits ever so slightly to try to improve my quality of life. I'm trying to be more healthy, spiritually and emotionally and perhaps even physically, from this day forth.

When I get up in the morning, I no longer set my alarm for exactly thirty minutes before I must get out the door. I allow myself time to stretch, read my Bible, pray, actually eat breakfast...you know, all the little luxuries. I actually have decided that making my bed every day might be a good change of pace. It will teach me a small amount of discipline. I also like to read the words of John Wesley or Charles Spurgeon right before I pray and go to bed, just to have good things to meditate on in the night. For a return to normalcy, I will also try to eat at least three meals a day, if not six small ones.

I'm trying to be more disciplined about my writing, my work, my habits. I'm trying to live a more intentional life, instead of just drifting along like some aimless jellyfish, with no point and no spine, blindly hurting anyone unfortunate enough to run into me. I'd rather be like a whale: beloved, purposeful and intelligent, going with the current but with a destination in mind, loving those in the pod that God has given me.

OK, enough sea creature metaphors, but you see my point.

Oh, and happy new year my friends.

How I Got To Where I Am - Part 2

2006-12-18T15:33:00.001-07:00

NB: If you don't read the previous blog, this won't make much sense! Ok, here we go...

I know the grace of God turned the tide. My mother went into the hospital one day, and instead of coming out looking dazed from the shots they would give her for her “migraines”, she stayed in. I didn’t know it at the time, but she had been checked into rehab for drug abuse. When I saw her again she seemed very different, looking skinny and sallow, but more alert than I had seen her in a long time. Again, though, I was told two very different stories. Dad told us that Satan was tricking Mommy, and that she was going to leave us all because she believed the lies of the doctors and psychiatrists. Hearing this, I was nearly hysterical. But Mommy tried to explain to us that she needed to get better, and she wasn’t going to be able to do it while Dad was still drinking. This began a tense time of waiting. Would my mother come back for me? Would she do what Dad said and really leave me there for good?

As the time passed, my mother realized that my step-dad had no intention of trying to get sober himself. She knew that she needed to divorce him, this man who had abused her and her child for so long with impunity. I went to live with my real father for a time, while Mommy got a job and a house for us to live in. We lived together finally in a one-bedroom apartment, and entered a time devoid of religion in any organized sense. Mom told me that I could do what I wanted, but that she was going to take a break from church for a while. As a curious and intelligent ten-year-old, I began researching all the world’s religions, looking for one that sounded right. I gathered a wealth of information on religions from Buddhism to Islam, Hinduism to Judaism. I always seemed to gravitate back to Christianity, even though it had been presented in such a skewed way to me in my formative years. I began to realize that what my stepfather and the Kingdom Hall had taught me were not what the rest of the world called Christianity. I like this “new” religion I was discovering, although for a long time I never went to church or even regularly prayed.

The change came one day when I was about to enter the eighth grade. It was summertime and I was sitting at my new best friend Hayley’s house. She was whining to me that her parents were going to send her to church camp, and she didn’t want to go alone. She begged me to come with her. When my Mom realized that it was Hume Lake that I was asking to go to, she called her own mother. My Grandma was so overjoyed at the prospect of me going, she agreed to pay for the whole week of camp. I couldn’t figure out why she was so happy, but I got the money and permission I needed to go with Hayley for a week away from home.

At camp, they wasted no time in presenting the gospel to us kids. It was the Tuesday after we had gotten there when they did the big altar call. A man was at the front of an auditorium filled with about 200 youth, and he was talking about how nothing in this world could fill your life like God. He reached into his wallet and pulled out five dollars. He held it in the air and declared, “Whoever wants this, come and get it!” Most of us just stared at him, but one kid got up and grabbed the five dollars. The man didn’t try to grab it back, he just said, “Good for you, it’s yours. God bless.” I couldn't believe he had simply given away that money!

Then, he began filling up a plastic pitcher from the mess hall. He was putting in it things that represented what we filled our lives with: a toy car to represent possessions, Valentine’s candy to represent love, report cards to represent school, and on and on. He lifted the pitcher for us all to see and said, “It’s full, right?” It certainly looked full to me. But he pointed out that there were gaps everywhere, that the things we tried to fill our lives with fit awkwardly and left holes in the pitcher. Then he took another pitcher, this one filled with water, and he began filling up the other pitcher. We gasped as he poured water on the candy, the cars, the money, the report cards…but we saw the pitcher begin to truly fill up. “This is how God does it,” he said with conviction. He kept pouring until that pitcher was full and he kept pouring even after that, as water overflowed and started splashing the kids in the first row. He seemed unconcerned by this. “A life overflowing with the love of God,” he said very simply, and something about this made me cry.

Once the first few tears escaped my eyes, it seemed that the floodgates opened. Everything that had been done to me, every lie I had told myself, all the things missing in my life, together these things swirled in my mind and nearly made me faint. I knew, for the first time, that God really loved me, and that more than anything in this wide world I needed Him, in the truest sense. That day I accepted Christ into my heart and felt a healing begin. Next year in July, it will be ten years since that day. In the interim time, God has been healing me all the more, performing small miracles every day, relentlessly pursuing me and bringing me back to the place I was in when I realized I needed Him so much. His love has guided me all over the world, as I graduated college in Australia, as I came back to the States to try to bring Christ’s love back to my real father and his friends here in Denver.

I struggle, I triumph; I pray, I fall. But to this day, I remain a Christian by the grace of God.

How I Got To Where I Am - Part 1

2006-12-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

I thought it was about time I wrote down my testimony. So, here it is!

I grew up for ten years thinking that I was a Christian. I was told that my family was a Christian family, but little emphasis was ever put on Christ. This is because I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness: I attended Kingdom Hall on Sunday mornings and Thursday nights, and house Book Studies on Tuesdays. In addition to this, I went out in service nearly every Saturday morning with one group of people or another. Yes, I was one of those out knocking on doors; most people tried to avoid us by pretending not to be home. I had an advantage as a cute little redheaded kid, but that would only get us so far. Many times doors would get slammed in our faces, or we would be interrupted in our pitch to give away all the Watchtower and Awake magazines that filled the briefcases of the adults. All this resistance really made me feel persecuted, like we were doing something right for God.

Feeling persecuted was a sensation very familiar to me. My stepfather, the head of the Jehovah’s Witness household, was not only a man highly regarded in the church, but he also managed to be an abusive alcoholic on the side. As his step-daughter, I bore the brunt of the abuse because I was the only child in the house that he didn’t have a hand in producing. I had three sisters, and I could never figure out why I was the only one who had to get up early in the morning before going to first grade, and clean the house. I didn’t know why the rest of the family could go watch a movie after dinner, but I had to do all the dishes for six people. To my knowledge I wasn’t physically abused after the age of three or four, because by then I would be able to articulate my story to someone. However, I was emotionally and spiritually abused, and remained terrified of my father, turning me into a shy and withdrawn child.

My mother was the other one in the house who bore the abuse. For her to escape the pain of her marriage, she dulled her senses with prescription drugs. It helped her to run away in her head, but it also meant that she wasn’t really able to help me get out of that situation. For ten years I struggled to survive in my own house, a house full of the dichotomy of cult religion mixed with abuse, screaming mixed with prayer, oceans of terror defied by tiny drops of hope.

TO be continued...

Christmas Time is Here

2006-12-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else struggle with materialism at Christmas?

Lately I've been feeling strangely about the fact that when I want a coffee, I go out of my nice house, get into my nice car, drive to Starbucks because it has a drive-thru, and shell out $3.50 for a double tall vanilla latte. Or when I feel like I want a pizza, I get on my cell phone and order one from down the street. They deliver it piping hot to my door minutes later.

Now, these are modern conveniences that we have here in the States, and I guess there's not much that we can do (and why should we?) about deliveries and drive-thrus. It's more the idea of getting whatever my little heart desires...and fast. It makes me feel guilty somehow. But how do you alleviate the guilt of being a rich Westerner?

Well, it's not by throwing money at a charity, or giving clothes that you don't want anymore to the Goodwill, I can tell you that. I've tried. Is it volunteering? I've volunteered hours in my past to worthy causes, and I've always felt the better for it. But it's more a fleeting feeling of satisfaction because the act itself is fleeting.

So continuity in volunteering...is that the secret to a continued feeling of satisfaction? Is it smug of me to help the homeless and then go home every day? Is it pretentious of me to ask these questions? I don't know. I don't know the answer, but the one thing I'm sure of is that I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing enough in this world to help others rather than myself.

This Christmas, my goal is to rectify this, in small ways or large. If anyone has any good ideas, please pass them on. God Bless you in this Christmas time, and let us not forget the true meaning of that Holy Day.

Traitor in the Ranks?

2006-11-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been finding myself in situations where people will complain to me about Christians. You know the usual complaints: why won't they just let homosexuals love each other, why are all these pastors such hypocrites, why are they trying to legislate my body, and the list goes on.

As you can imagine, this is sometimes very awkward for me. Does this person know I'm a Christian? If they don't I really feel like a failure. Guilt sets in. I stop listening to what the person is saying and begin a vigorous mental flagellation process.

If they do know I'm a Christian, what do they hope to gain by complaining to me?

I pondered this one.

Are they trying to get answers? If so, I feel suddenly proud! I'm a woman of the people, a real mouthpiece for Christians in the day to day world! They're coming to me in droves, seeking answers and wanting to know my opinion! Once I finish with the ticker tape parade in my mind and climb off the float, I have to actually figure out what my answer will be. Peter told us in his first epistle to "always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have". We are to give our answers with gentleness and respect.

Instead, to my shame, I feel I jump right in with critizing other Christians. Not myself, of course, (of course!), but the very conservative Christian Right. They are a very easy target, I think. I can get away with saying how badly they handle things, and I can say, "Don't worry! Not all Christians are like that!" And then I can go on to say how cool my church is and other great things like that.

But then a little nagging feeling sets in. I really don't think it's such a great idea to castigate the practices of other Christians in the presence of a non-believer. In the interest of getting them to understand that I know where they're coming from, I feel like a traitor in the ranks of the larger worldwide body of believers. Because truly, we all believe the essential things. I'm sure we could all recite the Nicene Creed together (and those who couldn' t would at least heartily agree with what it said). We are a brotherhood, a family, a body. We are the ecclesia.

And so the next time I get the urge to bash other Christians, no matter how bad their behavior, I will limit it to my writing, and not do it in front of a non-believer. After all, they will know we are Christians by our love, and not by our arguments...no matter how pithy they may be.

When God Opens A Door...

2006-11-02T22:49:00.001-07:00

When God opens a door, He really flings it wide!

As you may or may not know, very small pool of faithful readers, I have recently decided to really pursue a writing career. It was half a decision of desperation (aka I don't really have any practical skills outside the creative realm) and half a decision of passion (I love to write and I've been told I'm pretty good at it).

When I started out on this venture, the first thing I did was pray. Good idea, I think. I asked God to slam shut the door of opportunity, so I wouldn't be laboring under any false pretenses or illusions of literary grandeur, if this is not something that He would have me do.

Cut to two weeks later, which brings us to today. I had my day off, which I of course spent writing and researching. I formulated an idea for a book (scary, large undertaking!) and wrote the first 1000 words. I have investigated markets in the Christian arena, and I had a very good feeling overall about the whole thing. I talked to my mum, and she felt the same.

And lo, and behold! I open up my e-mail this evening and find that the first article I ever submitted to a publication (first draft, probably a bad idea, but hey...) got accepted and is going to be published!! Now, it's a tiny publication about healing ministries, a little magazine produced by the Order of St. Luke. I wrote the article about praying for healing for my mother who had lupus, and the subsequent full healing she received from our gracious God. I will receive no compensation except for a few author's copies of the magazine, I believe. But my name will be in print, and I can use that as leverage for bigger things. Clips, as samples of your work are called, are essential for some of the larger markets.

This wonderful confirmation on the day I decide to undertake an entire book! Coincidence?

I know better.

What To Do With Daylight

2006-10-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

(Thank you Brooke Fraser, for providing me with that subject line. Everyone go out and listen to that album...ok, plug done.)

Well, it certainly has been an interesting day so far. It's funny how right on target my feminine intuition has been today.

I woke up, as per every Monday morning since I've started at Emogene cafe, and got all ready for work, but couldn't shake this nagging feeling that I should have looked at the schedule last week when I went to pick up my paycheck. Now, there is no real reason to look at the schedule since, as I mentioned, there has never been a Monday that I've not worked. However, I couldn't get rid of the feeling, and on my drive to work I must have hit every red light, and gotten caught behind every bus, street sweeper, tractor, and miscellaneous slow-moving Monday driver that the metro area had to offer. It was a bit of a nightmare!

And what are the first words my supervisor says to me when I walk in the door? "What? I don't think you're on the schedule, Cassie!" And sure enough, my schedule had been altered from its usual humdrum Mon-Wed 9-3 shift. Oh bother.

So I took this as a sign that I needed to be up and at 'em today for another reason. I decided to go home, put my writing pants on (aka pajamas! heh), and get down to my other business. And so far today I have submitted a few queries after much research, and on top of that I adopted a child with WorldVision. (Her name is Nesoli and she lives in Swaziliand. I chose one of the higher risk children for $5 more a month...I think I can swing it, right?)

It's only three o'clock now, so a lot can happen before I put my head to the pillow in nine hours. I prayed this morning for blessing, and I think I can feel a few in the works. God is a funny guy, so you never know!

Boring?

2006-10-25T23:32:00.000-06:00

I've never really had anyone say this to my face, except for last night: I was told that this person thought I was fake and that my Christian persona was hiding something. This person and I don't really get along most of the time and I knew he was just trying to push my buttons. I own up to all my dirt, and I think because his pile of dirt is slightly bigger than mine (he does have about a decade on me...), he feels like no one's life could be that "pure".

So I don't really know if it's a good or a bad thing to be called "fake" for the Gospel. I know I will be persecuted (in a wimpy, Western sense of the word), but this is certainly not the form I thought it would take! My life really IS this boring, by the world's standards. I've not done any drugs, I'm a 22 year old virgin (by choice), and I try to live my life by the basic standards of "love God, love people". No, really. That's it. I pray and I go to church every Sunday and it isn't a front. This is my heart.

I suppose it was deeply insulting for someone to imply, even indirectly, that my dedication to Jesus and the Gospel was anything but profoundly real. You base your whole existence around something and anyone could just come up and point at it and say they don't think its real or they don't think it looks the way it should. And that's the way it goes. But I have the hope that the verse below applies to me...

Mat 5:10 Blessed [are] they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Immigration

2006-10-19T11:54:00.000-06:00

I was reading articles titles the other day (yes, just titles), trolling for something interesting. I came across a title that alluded to the fact that Christians should view the influx of immigrants, legal or otherwise, as an opportunity to show God's love. Doesn't it say in Deuteronomy, when they're giving all the laws, that the "alien" should be able to come and live in Israel and have most of the rights of a Jew if he should become circumcised?

I thought this was an interesting concept. I have a more lenient view of immigration, I think, because I have tried to live in another country, and I know how much red tape is involved, and what it feels like to be a non-citizen, etc... I don't necessarily think that illegal immigrants should be able to get on the dole, or necessarily get in-state tuition, but I've heard far too many Christians say some really harsh things about illegals.

I'm not trying to come off as self-righteous here, but I'm just trying to make us think a little harder about the things we say and the way we think about everything around us. It's difficult when faced with some things, but I think the author of that article had a point! These people are here...they're obviously not getting deported anytime soon...so let's be Christians. We treat them as we would any other person, perhaps even with more special care because they are far from home, working hard at trying to make a better life for themselves. I'm not saying let's fling open the gates and let anybody in...I'm just sayin', one day we might not be the most prosperous country in the world, one where many people want to emigrate to. Let's use that status in a positive way while we still can.

Thoughts?

Truly Known

2006-10-10T16:46:00.000-06:00

As great as things have been going in my world, recently I have been missing a certain thing in my life: the assurance of being really and truly known by another human being.

I think there are two or three people in this world that know me as well as my family does, and I don't live nearby any of them. Here in Denver, I have awesome friends, godly friends, a great church, a great dad, but for some reason lately I have been feeling a bit of a lack.

And I suppose the reason is that God is wanting me to draw nearer to Him; He who knows me best of all, and loves me just the same. But I know I am not alone in feeling like I would enjoy the human element once in awhile, too. I have been on my own a lot in this world because of my peripatetic lifestyle, a lot of situations when I have found myself praying, "Well, here we are again, just the two of us!"

I suppose my challenge is to either get known by the people I am around now (however one does such a thing...), or get more and more comfortable with this whole me and God thing. But I think I want both.

Nobody decided to inform me how much more difficult it is to forge deep friendships when you are not in school! And as much as I like travelling, I think that I will be having to forge new friendships more and more, each time I move and am alone again (naturally ;) ). And then that feeling of ennui comes around again when I feel lonely and it makes me feel like moving on, perpetuating the vicious cycle.

sigh.

Perhaps one day I will settle down and live in one place for the rest of my life, but for now I have that nagging feeling that I was just born to be a rolling stone.

To Be or Not To Be A "Lady"?

2006-09-29T14:22:00.000-06:00

It is a real pet peeve of mine when I do something and people will say, "It's
impressive, but its not very ladylike!" Who the flamin' heck cares if it's
ladylike?

Have I ever tried to fool anyone into thinking that I was a
ladylike kind of girl?? NO! I'm a belching, tofu-eating,
non-toenail-polish-removing girl. Guess what? Sometimes I don't shave my
legs...for weeks at a time!! Sometimes I forget to brush my teeth and I'll chew
gum instead! Sometimes I pick my nose! I don't shower every day!

And yet
here I am: an attractive, intelligent, witty girl of twenty two. I wear dresses
and heels still, but I might forget to cross my legs once in awhile. Lady,
schmady! Take it or leave it!

PS It's really horrible when people
suggest that all these things are maybe why I don't have a boyfriend. I don't
have a boyfriend because I beat boys back with a stick. That's why I don't have
a boyfriend, dammit!

The above is a blog that I was going to post on my Myspace page, but I decided to make a Daily Christian blog out of it, too. I want to know, How ladylike does a modern Christian woman have to be? Are there rules? I know a lot of you will immediately tell me about the Wife of Noble Character in the book of Proverbs, but never does it say that a single girl of noble character has to remove all her toenail polish as soon as it starts showing signs of wear. Are you seeing my point here? Is there a moral/spiritual issue here at all, or am I just making one up? I don't really know.

All I do know is that if guys can skip a shower or two, if they are allowed to be real people who have bodily functions and the like...well, I don't see why females should be forced to pretend our bowels never make noise, or that we never have any boogers. (I'm not saying you have to pick your nose all the time, but you know what I mean!) I don't go around passing gas everywhere and taking delight in it, but really...to say I don't have a boyfriend because I can burp louder than any guy I've met? Is that to say I will never become a Wife of Noble Character, just because some people think I am not a ladylike-enough singleton?

I don't think so. I refuse to think so. I'll keep refusing to think so even if I become a crazy cat lady. Because there is a principal here that I am basing all this on...women are human too! Just because we are the fairer sex, just because we make ourselves more gorgeous with makeup and hairtools and tweezers and wax and lotions and perfumes and the list goes on and on...doesn't mean we don't have flatulence.

And that's all I have to say about that.

I Lift My Eyes Up...

2006-09-28T14:14:00.000-06:00

The other day I went on a walk around the lake...first in a long time...and I was so taken by the beauty of where I live that I had to sit down on a park bench and cry. I stared with wonder in the direction of the Rockies, let the breeze dry my tears, and I let God tell me once again how much He loves me.

Would that all my free time could be filled with something like that!

But this brings me to my point: What is the best way to spend my free time? Should I be worried that I'm not out helping orphans and widows? Is it selfish of me to sit and watch Gilmore Girls when I could be doing something more productive?

I remember in college my best friend Sam read this book by Moody (I think it was) that was saying we really need to watch how idle we are. He asserted that the question in our minds at ALL TIMES should be, "Is this promoting God and His kingdom?" I remember being so paralyzed by that statement...I felt like a horrible person; for about a week afterward I couldn't really do anything at all. I think I even pulled away from God and got scared out of my mind that I was living a life that was completely useless in the grand scheme of things.

After that I just said, "Screw it! I'm not perfect, I'm relying on grace." I refused to be incapacitated by the feeling of uselessness, because the truth is we don't really know how useful we are in the big picture sense.

There are things that are unwise to do with my time, sure. But I think that it is perfectly OK to sit down and sip a cup of tea and not think to myself, "How is this advancing God and His kingdom?". I can sometimes just be like the mountains, the lake, the birds in the trees; I can just be. I can be in the presence of God and not worry that I am taking a little rest. I have a necklace around my neck with a heart pendant that has the words "Be Still" inscribed in it. Maybe I should listen to my jewelry more often!

One big D'OH!!

2006-09-24T09:57:00.000-06:00

I remember last Sunday at church, or perhaps Wednesday at Bible Study, I made a comment to the effect of, "Just when you think that you've got a certain part of your life under control, just when you think that you've made huge leaps forward, that seems exactly when you get to be humbled again."

I proved my own point to the world last night.

I had the most stressful day at work that I've ever had at any day of any work before. It was a bit of a bonding experience for those of us who worked it, so we decided to go to the bar after work to chill out and de-stress. Even at the beginning of the night, I had this flash-forward (probably a warning from the Holy Spirit) where I didn't exactly see why the night would be bad, but I knew very clearly that I would regret the effects of staying there at the pub with my work friends.

For some reason I dimissed this and decided to stay. As the night wore on, more and more alcohol was consumed (mixing is such a bad idea! Why do I do it?!), and then my stomach revolted. I'm sure I don't need to get into specifics, but it was certainly no bueno. I had to call my dad (well, actually my friend Lindsey had to call him) to come pick me up, and I'm sure I smelled to high heaven and looked a fright. Poor daddy.

Anyway, the point of all this is: I thought I was so much better than everyone in this area of my life. That's the truth. I still had a lot of pride, thinking to myself like the praying Pharisee, "Oh God, thank you that I am not like all those other people, who go out and get drunk and puke all over their friends and fathers." I had been so good of late, trying very hard to think, do I really want a drink or am I drinking because it's there?

The lesson I learned in all this is: Don't get prideful!! Because I will be humbled!! God loves me this much. He doesn't let me get away with certain things.

This has been hard for me because, of course, I don't want anyone to know this happened. None of my church friends would have had to know, the rest of my family didn't have to know...but I promised at the beginning that I would be brutally honest. So far it has worked well for me, and I think it has helped others too. This is the greatest blessing I have received from God lately: to use my horrible screw-ups to become more humble, sympathetic to the bad decisions of others, because I know sometimes how easy they are to make.

In the life of a Christian, there will be the morning-after...there will be bad behaviour and then regret. The key to all this is repentance. Just as Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more." John 8:11

And now, for another Good Idea, Bad Idea!

2006-09-21T13:26:00.000-06:00

Last night I had a dream about someone that I once liked. It wasn't anything too exciting, but I was reminded about how ridiculously smart this person is, and how much I used to like being around him. As he's lived his life, this person decided he does not need to live a Christian lifestyle. However, in the dream I was thinking, "Why aren't we in a relationship? This would be so perfect!"

Uh-huh...

...And then I woke up.

When this single Christian gets a tad lonely, it becomes easier and easier for me to rationalize starting up a relationship with someone who is not a Christian. Part of this is because I don't see any Christian prospects on the horizon, and part of it is that it seems I attract all these smart or cute or talented boys...that aren't believers. They have high IQs, they speak foreign languages, they have interesting jobs and have travelled the world... They ask me out, or what have you, and I have to shut them down. (What's the deal here!?!)

On my stronger days, I will tell you what a horrible idea it is, yoking oneself to an unbeliever, and I would tell you that I wouldn't even dream of it! But the truth of the matter is, I would. Dream of it, that is. And I sometimes do. I'll think, 'What's wrong with me being in a relationship with someone who is, in all other respects, absolutely perfect for me?? That doesn't seem fair!' I'll think, 'What if I never find a Christian man like this one?'

In reality, loneliness and hormones aside, what the question really boils down to, and what I will always do good to remember, is simply this: "Do I trust God?" Do I truly trust the Creator of the universe, who knows me better and still loves me more completely than any human ever could? Don't I think that He will know what's best for me? It saddens me to think that I would ever doubt this. But sometimes with my actions, if not my actual thoughts, this is exactly what I am doing.

I will leave it up to you to know or to find out why this type of romantic relationship is such a bad idea. I will not expound on that here, now. I woke up from my dream sad that this "perfect" person and I couldn't be. I decided that the only thing I can do is pray for his salvation, pray that he will return to the Way in which he was raised. Because if a man doesn't love the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength...well, then.

I'll just have to keep waiting.

Starbucks Anxiety.

2006-09-20T22:30:00.000-06:00

It is Wednesday, which in the world of this girl means:
Work - 9am til 3pm
Bible Study - 6pm til 9:30pm
Going out with friends - 11pm til the cows come home (no, not us girls...it's just an expression.)

The part I'd like to focus on is Bible Study. I love it, it's a highlight of my week. But I always get anxiety because we sit in a corner of a Starbucks and because it is such a highly visible (and also quite audible) location, I spend quite a bit of time worrying about how we seem to the general public.

Please don't misunderstand me. It is not an embarrassment like, "Oh dear, we're praying in public...people might know I'm a Christian" sort of thing. I've been a believer long enough, I would hope that I am past that. No, it's more like, "We're on display. We are being obvious Christians. Should we be more intentional about the things we say and do?"

Is that fake? I'm not sure. As followers of Christ we are called to be the light of the world (Matthew 5:14), and it goes on to say that a city on a hill cannot be hidden. And so it goes, a bible study held in the middle of a corporate coffee icon also cannot be hidden. I'm always thinking:
1. Can people hear us?
2. Are they listening?
3. Are they laughing/scoffing/judging/what-have-you?
4. Are we saying anything that would be a bad witness?
5. Do we have our theology straight?
etc...etc...etc...

We have had Catholics come up while we were discussing the idea of purgatory. We have had Lebanese Christians come up while we were discussing the situation in Lebanon. We have had meaningful interaction with these and other people who seem to be interested in what we are doing, and so I don't think it is strange for me to be conscious of how we appear to the general surrounds.

And then there is the thought (brought up by the leader of our Sunday class): For all the time we sit in that corner, are we buying/tipping enough? Are we leaving our trash around? Are we friendly with the staff? You can't hold a bible study in a public place and then leave your rubbish lying around afterward! It might sound silly, but who wouldn't take that opportunity to make a comment about Christians in general? If I weren't us, I would certainly bash us for doing that!!

I suppose the point of all this is that we need to be on our guard at all times, and in all things, perhaps even things that seem as small as noise level in a public place, littering, language, etc..

Consider 1 Timothy 4:16
"Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee."

In the Beginning...

2006-09-20T21:59:00.000-06:00

From the day I became a Christian, there has been a tacit question doing laps in my brain: What does it mean to be a Daily Christian? When I finished college at a Christian institute, the question became less tacit, more an audible struggle: How do I live my life on a daily basis, in my normal little humdrum existence after college, in a way that reflects my poor attempts to love Jesus and let His grace work in my life?

And so, we come to the birth of this blog. Nobody knows about it (yet). Even I might not have a fully formed idea of what I'm doing here (yet). But I intend to answer this question that grows ever louder in my mind with every passing day...I intend to think through, speak through, type through my daily experiences, troubles, and triumphs on my path back Home. And hopefully, through the mercy of my Lord, I can actually apply these meanderings in a meaningful and life-changing way.

I want to be the type of Christ-follower that puts words into action. And not just any words, but the "foolishness" of the Gospel itself. I will see this as a crash course in accountability, as I plan to be brutally honest in all of this writing, thinking, living. I pray you will bear with me, or even join me in my pursuit of godliness. A goal more noble, I could not think of. This is it.

So join me, if you will. God willing, let us become Daily Christians together.