Least Favorite/ Most Favorite

What is your favorite and least favorite thing about parenting?

Ah, so many things I could expound on!!

Let's start with least favorite: You're two. Soon you will be three. So this one comes to mind quickly...My least favorite is watching you willfully disobey me to see my reaction. Because we both know it isn't going to be fun for either one of us. I struggle to remember that it is part of your development and sometimes I take it personally.

My other least favorite that goes along with this is when my reaction to your testing comes from anger and frustration instead of a genuine desire to teach you and guide you. I hate seeing that side of myself, but I think it is important so I can work on it. Sorry you get to be the impetus and the guinea pig on this one.

But the favorites...well, the favorites will hopefully always outweigh the not-favorites!! Your smile, your laugh, your hugs and cuddles, your dancing, your singing, your talking, your learning!! I learn a little more about God every day in my imperfect love for you. He teaches me how much more I have to learn from Him, the ultimate parent. I learn just how much He loves us because I take my love for you and times it by infinity and it makes my head hurt but my spirit happy. 

Parenthood...an epic daily struggle but a wonderful gift. Wouldn't trade it or you for anything in this world. 

A Thousand Moments

How did you feel the moment you became a parent?

I guess you'd have to define when that moment was...

THIS?

OR THIS?

Finding out I was pregnant was fantastic because I just knew...I.just.knew. And Daddy was nervous and kept telling me to wait to take the test. As if that would change the result somehow? Ha ha, I think he just didn't want me to be disappointed because I seemed so sure. But honestly, I didn't start feeling like a parent right away after becoming pregnant.



So I guess I'll go with the latter photo. Yes, it was taken mere seconds after you were born. I won't get into too many gory details (yikes) but I will say that 26 hours of labor and 5 hours of pushing and a pair of forceps later...you were finally in my arms!!

I was drugged (after all that, no shame in drugs!) and exhausted and a little traumatized, as were you. I was in awe of the fact that you were real. I just kept looking at your poor swollen little red face and thinking, "He looks exactly like my grandpa!"

Ha! Being a newborn is no picnic. 

But because you bore such a strong family resemblance right away, I knew you were mine. You slotted right into the family.

I don't know if words can adequately describe how I felt about you. It took a few hours/days for the shock and drugs to recede (it was quite a difficult birth, my sizable-noggined one!). But I knew I was in love. I knew I didn't want to put you down. I felt like I was living in a dream for those first few days when you slept so nicely. Of course, very soon you were hungry all the time and waking up to the fact that you weren't in the womb anymore and then the real fun began. 

But those first moments are priceless. A thousand tiny moments make up the whole of how I fell in love those first few hours and days. And I just remember being so amazed with how my life could go from

THIS

TO THIS!!!

And all in a matter of a few (ha!) hours of labor.

And also being in awe of how I would do it all again in a heartbeat to get another sweet baby to love.

Greatest Accomplishments

What are your five greatest accomplishments?

Hmmm...this is another one where I feel like there are obvious answers like "my relationship with God" (which is more His accomplishment) or "my family", but I feel like these aren't really "accomplishments", but more gifts of grace. I feel a bit weird calling relationships accomplishments, because it also gives the notion that they are static and finished, when of course they are dynamic and require constant attention.

However, if I take away awesome relationships, could I even come up with five other things I have accomplished? I'm not really sure I could! So let's just see where this goes...

1. Graduating from college - I feel good about this one not because it is super-important to life, but more because I think I am the first one in my family to actually do so, or at least to earn a Bachelor's degree. People in my family have attended college, gotten AA degrees, gotten certification in all kinds of awesome things, but I am either the first or one of a few that stuck it out to have a Bachelor's. So, that's pretty cool. A big part of this was also learning to adapt and live in another country (Australia). Even though they speak English, Australia is a vastly different place than America! So I'm proud of myself for becoming an honorary Aussie, too.

2. Marriage and Motherhood - See, I couldn't even get halfway through this list without mentioning a relationship! Ha. But now that I'm thinking about it, since you DO have to work at it every day, I guess marriage is an accomplishment if you stick with it and constantly work at having a healthy one. Your dad and I have only made it 5.5 years so far, but since there is so much divorce in our family, I guess we have something to be proud of as we continue to try and sacrificially love each other day in and day out. And motherhood is as difficult as it is rewarding; I have to try very hard every day to be patient and unselfish and forgiving, because these do not come naturally to me! So I guess I'm going to go ahead and name these as accomplishments, even though it is all accomplished in God's grace.

3. Becoming Entrepreneurial - This is an accomplishment because I always considered myself extremely unambitious in anything business-related. But my friend Erin pointed out that not only have I marketed and sold things I've made myself (like in an Etsy shop and elsewhere), but also taught private singing lessons and group lessons for children! Without even thinking about it too hard, I guess I do have a little bit of an entrepreneurial spirit after all! It's not my passion, but I can do it when I need the money! =)

4. Learning to Play the Piano - I started teaching myself when I was a teenager and I haven't stopped learning since! I definitely did a lot of learning in college, when I had my dearest Ludmila Beliavskaia as my teacher...she taught me the right way and the classical way. But, when your dad and I were just friends and trying to get a very small ministry on it's feet, I was called upon to be the worship leader. I was terrified and terrible at worship-leading on a piano, but after years and years of practice, I am starting to be more and more comfortable behind the piano and in front of the congregation. I have gotten to the point where I don't always have to be looking at my fingers, which is huge! ha ha.

5. Staying in One Place - My whole life I haven't lived in one house for very long, even if I lived in the same city. I think the years from 7th-12th grade is the longest I've lived in one city, even though we moved houses and I moved schools while we lived there. Anyway, the point is that we've been in San Jose for about five years now and I don't foresee us moving anytime soon. So, this is the longest I've spent in one place as an adult. Not to say I haven't dreamed (and let's face it, still do dream) about other places and parallel lives I could be living somewhere else. But I'm still here! I'm sticking it out with the Dwell community, as your dad's wife and as your mama. This is big for me.

There you have it! I have also written a novel, although no one would ever mistake it for the next Great American Novel... and not a Nobel Prize or cure for cancer on the list. But I'm not even 30 yet, so you never know. ;)

And speaking of accomplishments, I'm halfway through this series of 30 things AND I just celebrated my 20,000th all-time page view of this blog! (It only took me years and years to get there, but hey! Slow and steady, right?)

Grow Up!

What's the hardest part of growing up?

Oh my son, so many hard parts about growing up. I could talk about the bills, the responsibilities, TAXES, my gosh, the taxes. 

But honestly the hardest part of growing up was realizing that I would never have quite exactly the same relationship with my family as I did when we were all living together in the same house and I was dependent on my parents for survival. 

Your Yaya and I say (semi-jokingly) that we grew up together and we had a very close relationship through the years, even when I was a teenager and I knew everything. *wink* I was just starting to feel like our family finally was gelling and getting along when it was time for me to leave. 

I went happily/sadly away to college, but I soon realized that things would never be the same. Right around that time, I would hear a song called "Mama's Hands" on a compilation of bluegrass songs I had and just sob and sob. 

One of the verses says, 

                                 As I looked back down that dusty road

To mama and her heavy load

I knew what I was leavin’ – I’d never find again

And it was hard to let go of mama’s hand

My mama’s hand

It was hard to let go of my Mama's hand, and the thought that someday you will have to let go of my hand is a little too much for your mama to think about right now!! (*sob sob*)

Mama n me

A Day in the Life

Describe a typical day in your current life.

Since going back to work, this prompt will be much easier. Working mom mode is a lot more about rhythm and schedule than stay-at-home mom mode was. There are parts I like and dislike about both. I would never say one is better, but they are certainly different.

I was recently encouraged to try waking a little earlier by some mom friends...to have some quiet time and not be dragged out of bed by a hungry toddler or the alarm after the fifth snooze button. So these days my day begins at 7am. You, my baby, were one of those 6am waker-uppers when you were a bit smaller, but thankfully no more!! I get up and try and read some Scripture, some news and make coffee before you and Dad get up.

Then we all get ready and head to work. I drop you off at Beth's house and no matter how sad you act or how much you say you want to stay home, when you see your friends at Beth's you take off running and never once look back to say goodbye. Which makes me smile because I'm SO thankful I can leave you in such amazing hands in the day.

Batman, Optimus Prime and Sir Calvin - Photo: Beth Thompson

Off Dad and I go to work and I do my job from 9-2, Monday through Thursday, then I swing around to pick you up! You're usually pretty happy to see me even though you express it with naughtiness sometimes.

We go straight home and climb in mama's bed to have our nap together. I wake you up after an hour or so and get you a snack. The time in between when you wake up from nap and when we start dinner is the only time I really get to be creative with you now that I'm back at work. At the moment you love to "play a game", "watch a show" or "paint", before we start dinner.

Ideally you help me with dinner, but some nights I plop you in front of Curious George. Sometimes you eat the dinner we make and sometimes you declare "all done!" before we've even sat down.

After dinner is a short play time before bath. You spend a nice amount of time playing in the bath so mama and daddy get a bit of a break if we are the one in charge of bath time. Then we wrestle you into pajamas and get you to your room for stories. Depending on how the evening has gone, you get 1-3 books read to you. You're liking longer and longer books these days which is kinda fun and kinda taxing at the end of a long day. :)

Bed time is somewhere between 8 and 8:30. You're a toddler so sometimes you go down quietly, but much of the time you need milk or you want to go to mama's room or something scared you. I'm super happy if you're actually asleep by nine! 

Then Daddy and I get to kick back a bit...the perfect evening at home would be some popcorn, some wine, and some Breaking Bad before reading ourselves to sleep around 11pm.

It's a charmed life and I'm glad it's mine!!

Dream Job

What is your dream job, and why?

 

Argh, another hard one!! 

I think I find this difficult because my dream job would most honestly be "mother". And many times, no matter how much we say we value it, the western world at large doesn't truly uphold motherhood as it does other professions. But no matter.

Fortunately, the presence of you (my child) in this world means that I already have my dream job!! Raising you, loving you, teaching you what I know of the world, having your love in return...what could be better or more fulfilling than that?

I've never had any great and driving ambitions in the work force other than to be really, really excellent at whatever job I am doing at that moment. Motherhood (of both biological and adopted children) has long been my goal and life's ambition. I believe The Lord created me to be a mother and I pray that I can be the best mama I can be in His strength.

Hands Off My Toddler

I've been thinking lately about how much fun Calvin's toddlerhood has been (at least for me!) compared to babyhood. Don't get me wrong, I had the cutest, smiliest little chubby baby I could ask for, and I loved nursing him and rocking him and all those other baby things.

But now that he can run around and amuse himself and understand humor and talk a little bit, I'm really starting to feel like the mother of a "kid" instead of a baby. And I've taken what I hope are the appropriate steps backward from the type of mothering that a baby needs as opposed to a toddler.

I've heard that this is kind of a new wave of parenting style, which I'm sure has a pithy name like "Hands Off Parenting" or something. But basically what it means for Calvin and I is that I leave him alone now more often to explore the backyard while I do dishes or work on my laptop in the kitchen (for instance). I'm not checking on him every three seconds like when he was 9 months old and starting to crawl. He can entertain himself for bigger chunks of time. I've even made him a fun backpack so that HE can carry around his diapers and wipes for a change, and I can just carry a regular-sized purse around!

The best part about this is that I can take him more places with me and feel like we are both actually enjoying ourselves and each other. Perhaps this is just me growing into motherhood, I'm not sure. But I am seriously enjoying being the parent of my sweet little two year old!

I'm considering this time a sweet calm before the storm of eventually adding another child to the mix. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it, but we'd like to pull the trigger soon before Calvin (and Mama!) gets too much older. 

On Being Mother to a Boy.

I've been reading through a collection of essays entitled It's A Boy!, which is a bunch of women writers reflecting on having sons.

It has made me reflect a bit, now that I have been the mother of a son for a whole 18 months (hardly an expert, I know!), on my own feelings on the matter. I was a woman who always wanted sons. I was ecstatic to receive the ultrasound images that revealed I was indeed to bear a son. I don't think I had a lot of hang-ups about bearing a child of the opposite gender to me; on the contrary, I welcomed that otherness!

Truthfully, I have loved pretty much every minute of being the mother of a boy, but probably more rightfully, simply a mother in general. I feel that parenthood has helped me understand who God is more, because I can more truly understand how He loves me as a parent loves their child. Knowing I can never even fathom the greatness of His love for me or for my own son is very humbling, and it inspires in me so much praise and thankfulness and love.

A little story about my baby from today:
Usually at library story time, he will sit in my lap during the songs and stories, transfixed and rarely moving except to clap after a song. Today I asked him if he wanted to get up and dance, and he stood up and started "singing" along, clapping, doing the movements, etc..., all in his little measured, engineer-y way. I was grinning from ear to ear and laugh-crying through it all.

I was trying to understand why my heart was so full in that moment. Maybe because he was doing something that I loved to do (artsy stuff like dancing and singing) and that I value. Perhaps it was that I have seen him go from weeks of carefully observing to have the courage to stand up and do. Or is it just that I adore pretty much every little thing he does? I don't really know.

Who can explain love? It just is. I simply love my sensitive, inquisitive, happy, smart little boy!