I feel like my spiritual life has been in direct opposition to my physical life for a few weeks now. While my life as I see it and know it is pretty much in shambles, my spiritual life is exciting and life-changing in so many ways. This is just another example of God working in my weakness, of God swooping in just when I feel like I can't take it anymore.
I've been learning, therefore, a lot about truth and lies.
Things I've taken for granted as true...these things have lately been shattered, revealed as false. One example of this, which may seem kind of silly, is that pretty much all my life I have thought of myself as just OK-looking. I don't know where that came from, or who enforced it, but I have believed it forever. Only lately have a whole bunch of people been saying to me, both in word and in deed, "Oh, you didn't know? You're totally gorgeous!"
No. I didn't know! I have believed many lies concerning this...my legs aren't long enough, my hair is too curly, my skin isn't perfect so that must mean I'm ugly. Apparently not. (I am still trying to grasp this...)
I also believe lies about who I am as a person. Sometime long ago, someone told me I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't worth anything. While my outer demeanor may bely it, I realize through a series of revelations that I actually, in my heart of hearts, believe this! It's been holding me back from trying new things, from succeeding in my talents, from living the kind of life I am supposed to be living. I almost don't even blame the liar, but more the lie itself and myself for believing it.
Amazingly, God has been bringing these lies to light and showing me how I might silence the voices that tell them. He, as ever, has been pointing me towards the truth. The truth is God, and figuring out how God views me as a person has been an eye-opening experience. I have love. I have acceptance. I have more freedom than ever before.
Before we are Christians, we love ourselves for our own sake. When we come to Christ, we love God for our own sake...because he saved us, because he has done things for us. As we mature in our walk, we begin to love God for God's sake, simply because He is. But I have been told that the height of Christian maturity is actually to begin to love ourselves for God's sake. God made us in His image. Only once we free ourselves from self-loathing and all the lies that encumber us, can we then love others in a way that is free from hindrance.
I don't know that many people actually reach this level of maturity. There is so much of our own insecurity wrapped up in the way we love other people. But I'm working on what this new way would look like. I want to live freely and love the same way. And I realize that in fact, that's what Christ had in mind for us all along.
Amazing.
