I feel I am being catapulted into a new phase of life...one rife with responsibility, the likes of which I haven't felt the pressures of since being Student Council President of my college. Back then, I was not just a figure head to a giant mass of people...I was on a first name basis with probably 60% of the Student Body, and the personal friend of many of the professors, whom we called by their first names. It was a Christian college, and there were certain things I didn't do that year that I might have done any other time (get a tattoo, be a photographer's model, etc...) because I considered my responsibility to these people important. I wanted to be above reproach, no matter how silly or trivial that reproach may have seemed to me then.
Now, a leader in our church is proposing a Sunday night young adult service (college age, if you must put a further label on it!). The leadership positions for this service are up for grabs, as it were, and being one who has her degree in Music Ministry, I was approached as a choice to lead worship. Basically I was told that I would be handed the reins, that I could do what I felt led to do; what I was trained for three intense years to do well. More than flattery, this was huge for me. I haven't as yet done anything in the vein related to the degree I hold. I have thus far felt I wasn't prepared for more leadership positions, that my life was not right on track where a leader's should be.
This feeling was exacerbated when I saw the papers yesterday that we are to sign when we are to be considered for these positions. They were pretty general, stating commitment lengths and job descriptions and the like. But of course, there were those words, echoing those in the Bible, about being a Christian in good standing, who leads the kind of life that could uphold scrutiny, one that would be above reproach. I say without compunction that this is probably not the life I have been leading in Colorado up to this point. When you think about leading a life that everyone looks at and thinks, "Yup, they're doing everything right!"...the thought is quite daunting! How do these people do it?
I like to have a drink or two. I like to get loud when I play pool. I'm sarcastic and say ridiculous things for a laugh. I've stated before that I don't really follow all the rules of being a "lady": no one's looking to me for etiquette and gracefulness. I know this perhaps has little to do with being a good Christian woman, but sometimes I can get caught up in thinking that living a life above reproach is living a life that is perfect and well, more than a little fake. Yes, I love God with all my being. Yes, I want to be always smack dab in the middle of His will for my life. Yes, I have held leadership positions in the past. Why am I so gun-shy now?
My insecurities aside, through thought and prayer I have discerned that this position is probably the direction that my life is heading in. Just before all this business of the new Sunday service came along, I was putting things in motion to become a member of Bear Valley Church. Since they are associated with the Baptist church, this means I would have to be baptized again, because I was not immersed the first time. At first I chafed against this idea. Was one baptism not good enough for these people? I've been a Christian for ten years! Then I let humility and reason take over. Immersion perhaps is a slightly better symbol of what baptism means. I will be getting baptized on February 11th, 2007, and when I emerge from the waters a cleansed woman of God, I will consider this yet another stepping stone into my new life.
Whether all this new service stuff comes to be or not, I know that God has not called me to lead a quiet life. My whole existence up to now points to leadership, points to being perhaps more accountable than the average person. I have many a spiritual story to back this up! So, all future implications aside, yesterday will be marked as a turning point in my life. I need to change my attitudes, my habits, my outlook on Christianity and where I fit into the big picture of grace and redemption. I need to accept mercy with humility, and grasp opportunity with both hands and a grateful and solemn heart.