The Daily Christian: Grief

Tomorrow my little baby turns 7 weeks. Seven weeks since his harrowing arrival and the start of our new normal.

We've survived these weeks, sometimes by the skin of our teeth.

We've had a visit from grandma that didn't go quite as expected, the loss of a very dear friend, and our first "Wonder Week".

Lemme 'splain:

We Lose Moriah

On Monday December 1st, the world at large and certainly our church family and dear friends the Nelsons lost their daughter Moriah due to several complications of an infection in her heart. This little girl was special not only to her family (of course!) but to her church family and to a wider sphere of folks who had been personally touched by her life and joy and infectious smile, whether in person or through their family blog - Moments with Moriah.

There are a thousand eloquent ways I could eulogize Moriah, but shock, grief and sleep deprivation combine to render me simply heart-sick and not eloquent at all. I share a mother's horror with my friend Victoria at losing a child, empathy with her son Jadon who is only 10 days older than my own son, and simply sadness at the loss of a beautiful little friend.

Pastor's kids and Nelson kids

We will miss you, Moriah. I had a dream the other night that this beautiful seven year old with a dark curly mop of hair walked up to me and started to talk to me. I knew it was you in your heavenly form and even in my dream I burst into happy tears. Until we meet again, dear girl!

My first time holding our friend Moriah. xoxo

Our family was very grief-stricken and also stressed as my husband attempted to plan a fitting memorial for Moriah, we lost much sleep with newborn Archer, and my mother-in-law came to visit, all at the same time.

Grandma Judy Comes to Visit

In my heart-sickness, I could not summon the courage to try and explain to my three year old what had happened and why everyone was so sad. This is a mistake I keep making. My son is quite sensitive and can tell when something is wrong. So when we don't tell him what it is, he concludes that it could be ANYTHING or EVERYTHING and acts out accordingly. My poor mother-in-law got to see his very worst behavior as he attempted to find his way through the week with a new little brother, a mysterious event, and a strange visitor all vied for his parent's attention.

Eventually, they had some bonding time, making sugar cookies and sewing a Christmas stocking for the baby.

She's an amazing, loving and creative grandma and I'm glad there were some good moments in amidst the chaos before she had to go back home to Colorado.

We Enter the Wonder Week

After grandma left we went to visit the Nelson family and sweet Victoria, in the midst of her grief, was asking me about life with Archer. She asked how often I was feeding him, inquiring, "Every hour? Hour and a half?"

I, appalled, shook my head and said, "Oh no, every three hours and even longer sometimes in the night!"

I should have covered my infant's ears or found some wood on which to knock, because it seems at that very moment, Archer embarked upon his first Wonder Week!

If you don't know about Wonder Weeks, and you have a baby of a year or less, drop whatever you are doing (presumably reading this blog), and click on the link above. Insight into the mental and developmental leaps your child makes in their first year will help you become significantly less bewildered the next time your sweet kiddo turns into a screamy, whiny mess for a whole week or two for seemingly no reason.

So, after a week of non-stop feeding, fussing or sleeping anytime but nighttime, we now have a new and improved Archer. He is beginning to smile and be much more alert for longer periods between little baby snoozes. He definitely looks bigger, too, as we moved him into his 0-3 month clothes from the newborn stuff.

We survived and even found time to have a little fun. I'll leave you with our first series of mama/baby happy snaps and an idea for spiced cider made with essential oils, courtesy of doTERRA!

Technically NOT a selfie, as there is another person in the shot. Right?

Essential Oil Spiced Cider

Single serving:

8oz high quality apple juice, warmed

2 drops doTERRA Cassia oil

1 drop doTERRA Clove oil

*You might even get crazy and add a little Wild Orange but be careful with the oils, respecting that they have a strong flavor, as well as therapeutic benefit, and shouldn't be ingested without proper consideration.

May that warm, sweet treat get you through any wonder week you may be experiencing. Until next time!

As I write this, it has been just under a week since my sweet Grandpa succumbed to leukemia after a very short bout.

I was very thankful to be with him the afternoon before he passed and was able to say my final goodbye, as my gut was telling me I wouldn't see him alive again. I am also thankful that he had family there with him right up until the end.

So, a peaceful exit for Grandpa and then let the mourning begin for the rest of us. It is always interesting to see how mourning and grief manifest themselves, especially in my own life. This time, I mostly did a lot of "grief-eating" which is like stress eating except sadder. I also just wanted to sit around and stare...a general malaise, really. Very hard to do when you have a toddler.

Because of hospital visits and drives over to Santa Cruz and generally putting life on hold for the moments at the edge of a family member's death, I began to fear all the things I wasn't getting done in my work life, home life and ministry life.

Yesterday I had a mini anxiety attack while driving my husband to work. My chest constricted, my stomach nearly had a revolt, and I began to panic and cry. I worried that allowing myself all this time (which was really a couple of days) to grieve, I was losing all my good habits and rhythms I had worked so hard to establish. But surely taking time to grieve is healthy!

I still am struggling with how one grieves while maintaining some sort of rhythm and momentum. Part of me feels that when someone dies, that I kind of want to stop too. Unfortunately, life doesn't allow us stop for long, especially those of us with children and/or jobs (which I'd venture to say is most people).

I guess it's okay if my momentum is a bit slower and halting of gait as I move ahead with my life while missing my grandpa. The suddenness of his death was shocking and the reality of it has perhaps only begun to sink in.