Influence

List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.

in·flu·ence

ˈinflo͝oəns/

noun

1. 1.

   the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something.

WOW. This one is a doozy. I've lived a bunch of places and met a lot of great people, and I feel as if I've been shaped by them all into the person I am today. It's a bit unfair to do this to a person with such a large and amazing family, but let's see if I can attempt a list... The first three are easy.

1. My mama (your Yaya)
Mothers influence their children, yes. So this is a very obvious one. My mama is truly one of the best people I know. She taught me how to trust my gut, how to be kind and aware, how to appreciate beauty in all kinds of surprising places. She taught me how to care for myself (in every possible way!) and how to love people even if they've hurt you. I'm so glad you get to know your Yaya.

2. My dad (your Papa John)
A girl needs her dad. And my dad did the very best in all his circumstances to be with me, to spend time with me, to support me (financially and in other ways). In this, he taught me what it means to honor your responsibilities and also to just love your child. I think I got a lot of my sense of humor from my dad, which has been a very valuable asset in this life!

3. My step-dad (your Grandpa Kev)
This guy got to be my live-in dad throughout my teenage years and has influenced me in ways too numerous to count!! He's another one who taught me responsibility to your family. He taught me how to do real life, like opening a bank account and getting a job. He also lent me much of his sense of humor, as well as libertarian leanings. One of the most important things he ever said to me was right before I flew off to college: "Don't be afraid to ask for help." It helped me find my way in a new country and continues to be something so important to life in general. He's an amazing dude.

Here's where the list starts getting tricky...I have three sisters and a brother, amazing aunts, uncles, grandmas and grandpas, cousins and what-have-you. It's pretty hard to start naming some and not others (especially without offending someone! Ha.) when it comes to who has been an influence on me. So hopefully I'll still have friends when this is over. =) These are in no particular order of importance. 

4. Hayley Byrd - Hayley and I have been friends since we were 13. That's gotta count for something in this crazy world. She was a huge influence on me in junior high and high school, because I thought she was one of the coolest chicks ever, and I am so grateful that we have just remained friends through it all. I think I can attribute some of my outspokenness to Hayley; she helped me know it was okay to have an opinion (yes, world, you can partially blame Hayley). I think it's important to still be friends with someone who knew you when you were at your most awkward and terrible. It's humbling. The fact that we still like each other is very encouraging to me as a human.


5. Samantha Freestone - So many ways Sam has influence me - and all of them good. She taught me that true friends practice fairly extreme honesty, especially when those friends are also schoolmates, roommates, and sisters in Christ. She constantly encourages me to love God deeper, to dare to be different, and to follow God's plan for my life. And she does this all from 10,000 miles away. What I wouldn't give to bring Sydney to California...but I'm so grateful for the technology -and love - that keeps us connected.

6. Chris Tenny - This is another obvious one. I'm trying to think of all the ways your dad has influenced me. I mean, he entered my life and was the first man I ever really loved. I fell in love with his humble leadership and obvious desire to follow the Lord faithfully. He made me a wife, a pastor's wife, a church planter, and helped me become a mom. In other words, he has helped me become all the things I think I was created to be. He influences the direction of our family. I learn how to be a faithful servant from your dad every single day!

7. Calvin Tenny - I couldn't skip you, my little one! You might not be that great at talking yet, but you have influenced my life possibly in the greatest way of all, seeing as the shift to being a parent seemed one of the most seismic in my life so far. Your influence affects my sleep, my mood, my way of looking at the whole world. I have to evaluate pretty much everything now with you in mind! You are teaching me how to truly love sacrificially.

8. Becca Anderson (and all my siblings) - My baby sister has been a very close friend to me. By virtue of the way we grew up, we were thrown into a lot of the same situations and had to deal with them in our own ways, but we did it mostly together. When we were growing up quite small, she and I were like oil and water, but as time went by and Christ had an influence on both our lives, we became closer. She has also shown me a true servant heart and what it looks like to care for the ones you love. She also has this amazing work ethic that I truly admire. I love my sister Rachel because I feel like we are the most alike: introverts who love reading and fiercely love our families and children. Blair is the spitfire and I love to be around her. We probably talk on the phone most often because she's great at chatting even when I am not. My baby brother is responsible for the first maternal-type feelings I ever recall having. I can still remember finding out we were finally getting a brother and the crazy excitement of the day he was born. I've learned so much from watching him live his life since then.

He'll probably kill me for this photo - jazz hands!

9. Jason Helveston - Jason is different; he isn't influential because of a super-close relationship that we've had for years, as with the other people in this list, but I can say he has been a huge influence on the life I'm living right now. I am in California because of his wild idea to plant a church in downtown San Jose. The past five or so years have been directly influenced by his vision for this city, for Dwell Christian Church, and for ministry. He's a wonderful pastor to his church, and husband and father to his family. I love that he married Laura because she's an amazing pastor's wife and friend and model of loving motherhood. I'm so glad you get to grow up with their kiddos!

10. Jesus - You knew it was coming! Yes, my son, I believe Jesus was a real, historical person who walked this Earth. I hope my life is a testimony to how someone who lived over 2000 years ago can be the most influential person I've ever encountered. I hope His influence is the one you can sense most strongly in my life, and I pray He becomes the most influential person in yours!!

Oh the Places You'll Go!!

The prompt for today was supposed to be about 5 passions I have. However, I feel like I've really addressed those in previous posts about my three wishes, my dream job, and others. I don't want to start sounding like a broken record.

So instead, I thought I would tell you about some of the places I've lived...there have been a lot!

I was born in Watsonville, California, which is an agricultural area on the central coast of California, not too far from where we live now. It is the Strawberry Capital of the World, and there have always been jokes about that having to do with my hair color. =)

For a little while, we lived in Santa Cruz while my mom and dad were married. They and their parents were all born around there. Then, my mom moved down south, and I have lived all over Southern California; from the high desert of Antelope Valley, east to Chino, with my dad for awhile in West Covina, Azusa, Glendora; down to Lakewood, Seal Beach, and Long Beach for my school years with my mom and step-dads.

So, I'd consider myself quite the citizen of Southern California.

In the middle of that time somewhere, I had a time that I spent in the mountains of Colorado with my Auntie Leslie and Uncle Chuck.

Long Beach was a really great place to grow up, and I still have great fondness for it, and for friends who still live there. It was close to the beach with amazing weather, and relatively safe, at least where we lived. I am still proud to say I grew in Long Beach if anyone ever asks.

Familiar Long Beach faces

Upon graduating from Millikan High School in Long Beach, I set off to Sydney, Australia for college. I went to school in Drummoyne, a suburb of Sydney, and lived in the suburbs of Leichhardt (Little Italy), Canada Bay, and also Drummoyne. Somehow, with a little help, I managed to live in one of the more expensive and beautiful cities in the world as a college student...and I didn't starve! I love and miss Australia, but as I graduated and tried to figure out how to stay in the country, it became apparent that short of marrying a citizen or remaining illegally, it was time to move on.

Don't cry for me, Australia...

I traveled back to the US to live with my dad (your Papa John). He lived in Lakewood, CO, which is a suburb of Denver. I lived with Papa John until the day I married your daddy. What a gorgeous place to live!

In Summer or winter!

Then the both of us moved out to San Jose to plant a church, and we have been here ever since. It's where you were born (well, technically in the hospital in Santa Clara), and it's where you will most likely grow up and go to school. Sometimes I am ungrateful and whine about how expensive it is to live here, but I know that God has brought us here and that He will sustain us. 

Dream Job

What is your dream job, and why?

 

Argh, another hard one!! 

I think I find this difficult because my dream job would most honestly be "mother". And many times, no matter how much we say we value it, the western world at large doesn't truly uphold motherhood as it does other professions. But no matter.

Fortunately, the presence of you (my child) in this world means that I already have my dream job!! Raising you, loving you, teaching you what I know of the world, having your love in return...what could be better or more fulfilling than that?

I've never had any great and driving ambitions in the work force other than to be really, really excellent at whatever job I am doing at that moment. Motherhood (of both biological and adopted children) has long been my goal and life's ambition. I believe The Lord created me to be a mother and I pray that I can be the best mama I can be in His strength.

Three Wishes

If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for?

Ugh, I hate this question. The obvious answer is more wishes. But that's not the point of the question. Then I'm wondering what IS the point of the question? Should I answer in a fun way (dump truck full of cheese?) or in an altruistic way (world peace?). 

You know what? Close enough!

Sigh. I feel like I can't win with this one. But I'll give it a go, assuming the point is to learn about my wildest dreams.

1. Wish I had enough money to adopt as many kids and teenagers as is possible for one mom and one dad to adequately raise. Enough to help my teenagers get started at college and to buy clothes and food for them all and a big ol' house for us to live in. Maybe I should contact the Duggars for advice on this one.

2. Then, I wish I could take all those kids on trips around the world so they could become true global citizens and we could have a lot of fun.

3. I wish I could have all the time in the world to spend relaxing with, cherishing, and nurturing my husband and kids, and doing creative things to satisfy my soul too.

(So basically I want to be Angelina Jolie?)

But you see where I'm going...my passions are adoption/family, travel, and time spent with the ones I love and doing creative things. Sorry I couldn't save the world with my wishes...but someone beat me to it.

Happy, Happy, Happy (HappyHappy)

Day Five of the 30 Things Challenge is to describe the 5 things that make me most happy right now.

EASY.

#5 - CHEESE. If you don't know me very well, you might think I'm kidding, but I'm not. I'll not go into detail but just seeing cheese on this list should give you an idea of how much I love it.

#4 - Work. Being Office Admin of Dwell Christian Church is a pretty sweet gig, I must say. It has helped me love the church as a whole even more than I did before...which is saying something.

#3 - Creating. Whether it be dried fruit in my new dehydrator, dinner for my family, something sewn, knitted, crocheted, sung, played or written...I truly do love to create. Even if the product isn't entirely awesome every single time. It's the process. But who are we kidding, a great product is pretty amazing, too.

#2 - Being Mrs. Tenny. Which of course means being wife to my husband and mother to my son and pastor's wife at Dwell and daughter and niece and granddaughter... So basically I'm saying that my role as friend and family member brings me great joy.

#1 - Being a child of God. - Saved from the way I was and adopted as His daughter through Christ...pretty much nothing can touch that.

Sixteen Ain't the Top

I remember being 16. I remember thinking it was pretty darn awesome, and that I was pretty darn awesome, and that things were only going to get more awesome as time went on. These are all true. Sixteen was fun. But it wasn't the peak, thank God...

Here are ten things I would tell my sixteen year old self, if I could:

1. You will actually look forward to turning 30 and growing even older...don't listen to John Mellencamp when he tells you to "hold on to 16 as long as you can". Hold onto 16 for exactly one year, then move on!

2. You are a beautiful young girl. You don't need more makeup or less clothes to prove this. Relax and let your character be the attractive part of you (I see you rolling your eyes, young lady!! Don't worry, you will still struggle with this as you age.)

3. Stop scrubbing your face so hard and picking at it!! But continue to NOT wash your hair every day, even though it chagrins your mother. Everyone will find out you were right in a couple years. Also, enjoy your ridiculous metabolism, but start exercising as a good habit.

4. People-pleasing will only get more exhausting as you get older. Might as well break that habit now!

5. College is gonna be SO AWESOME! You have no idea.

6. Forgiveness that you have chosen is the right path. Keep on it. You are not what has happened to you. You are God's child and He is a God of forgiveness.

7. Just hush a little. I'm not saying don't assert yourself. I'm saying stop being such a wench...you're trying much too hard and people are afraid of you a little bit.

8. Go with your gut and don't look back. Mama taught you true.

9. Yes, you will fall in love with a lovely man, get married and have a kid. Be patient on that front.

10. God's way is the best way. Continue to go where you sense His leading and you will be just fine.

Godspeed, kid!

30 Things My Kids Need to Know About Me - Challenge for February

Here is the index to the 30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me challenge I'm trying to tackle through the month of February. 

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your spouse.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have? Tell me about the places you have lived. 
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment. 
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have. Books that have my heart.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. What’s the hardest part of growing up?
14. Describe 5 weaknesses and strengths you have.
15. Describe when you knew your spouse was the one or how I fell in love.
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the one thing you wish you were great at?
18. What do you think your spouse loves most about you?
19. How did you feel the moment you became a parent?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. Describe your relationship with your siblings.
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. What’s your favorite holiday and why?
24. What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about parenthood?
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What’s your favorite quality in your spouse? 
29. What are your hopes and dreams for your future? 
30. List 10 things you hope to be remembered for.

MamaDada

Day three of the 30 day challenge asks me to describe my relationship with your dad.

This is interesting, and fairly personal, but I will give it a go. I guess the best word I could use for our relationship at the moment is "comfortable". 

There are good and bad sides to this assessment. Dad and I are pretty comfy together after marriage, moving across country, being "poor" together, having a kid, surviving cancer...and all in just five short years of marriage! We love each other and we enjoy our life together, being homebodies and hanging out with you.

I guess the flip side of this is that we don't get to do many fun and exciting new things together, and maybe there is such thing as "too comfortable", sometimes. It can get to the point where you just start to assume the other person knows that you love them and there's no reason to remind them! This is untrue, and I think can work on being more intentional in how we love each other in the day to day adventures of life.

I love your Dad for being a godly man who loves and provides for his family and loves Jesus and the church. He loves me in spite of my spitfire ways and because I'm a gorgeous redhead (ha! But true.) You can rest assured that we are committed to each other and to you for the very, very long haul!

3 Legitimate Fears

Explain 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

This is a tough one. I used to be afraid of a lot of things. But trying to come up with legitimate fears that remain...well, that's actually getting more and more difficult as time goes on. Which is a good thing!!

I think I have one fear that is absolutely legitimate, and that is having any real harm befall my family. So I guess I could list a few that are common for mamas and wives the world 'round.

1. Anything happening to my kiddos - this one started the moment I knew I was pregnant with you and I'm sure will continue all my natural life. I think this Elizabeth Stone quote sums it up perfectly: “Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”

2. Cancer - Your daddy had a bout with thyroid cancer earlier this year, and your sweet great-grandpa was claimed by it just a few months ago. Needless to say, I try and feed my family right and pray for your health, but cancer seems to be one of those things that we have little control over. That scares me.

3. I'd be grasping at straws for this third one. I used to be afraid of the dark. Lots and lots of good reasons why, actually. I'll tell you about them one day, even though it is exactly the kind of thing I'd love to shield you from for the rest of your life. 

One thing is sure, our God is bigger than all these things. He told Israel, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10) The fear of the Lord is the only fear you or I really need to worry about. 

Here's Lookin' at You, Kid!

My dear friend Holly Brown turned me onto this series of blog prompts that are meant to help your children to know you better.

I see the value in this because it is really easy for children to think of you only as their parent and not realize that you have any life (or HAD any life) that isn't completely consumed by them. I think coming to view people as holistic creatures is humanizing, and so I thought to myself, "Why not?"

I can't promise that all these posts will be interesting for everybody. Since they're all about "me" and they are for my kid, I don't blame you for starting to think I'm a narcissistic twit by the end! But blogging is a humbling experience in a lot of ways, so I'm willing to share a bit about myself even at the risk of sounding like an idiot!

So here goes Day 1 - List 20 Random Facts About Yourself

1. I love to play the piano but am equally terrified of the instrument itself because I know I will never be good enough to bring out all the awesomeness that the piano deserves. Sometimes this scares me into not learning more. 

2. I've been a redhead since birth, but my hair only started growing out of my head curly since I was about fourteen. I've been a bit confused how to deal with it ever since!

3. I was a huge tomboy well into middle school years. I was obsessed with football, dressed rather boyish and was constantly being asked if I was a lesbian. Even your Yaya assured me it would be okay with her if I were. Ha ha. 

4. I'm not a lesbian and I still love football.

5. I'm obsessed with lists: 1001 Books to Read Before You Die, AFI Top 100 Greatest Movies of All Time, even just making to-do lists and crossing things off it. It gives me a very satisfied feeling. 

6. I've dealt a fair bit with anxiety and depression in my short life and am pretty thankful that it hasn't ever gotten any worse or harder to manage. 

7. I became a follower of Christ in July of 1997 at Hume Lake Christian Camp. I didn't fully know what I was getting into but through every storm of life, I've never regretted my decision.

8. I'm still never sure whether I'm an introvert or extrovert and I feel like I've taken every test and evaluation known to man to try and discern it. I feel like it is a helpful thing to know!

9. Your dad is the first man I have ever been in love with and the first man I ever told "I love you" and meant it in a way like I want to marry you and have your babies. =)

10. I've been the oldest, middle, youngest, and only child, just depending on who my mom was married to at any given time in my life. 

11. We're not really related to your Aunties Rachel and Blair except through love. This follows #10 above, as my mom was married to their dad and we were small together and we grew up loving each other as sisters, and I saw no reason why that should stop when our parents divorced!

12. I never wanted a big wedding; I wanted to elope. Your dad talked me into it, though, and I'm glad he did (mostly). 

13. My maiden name is Bertolucci. I love it, and I loved being Cassandra Bertolucci. It was hard becoming "Cassie Tenny", although of course I'm happy about it now!

14. I desperately want to visit Italy and Ireland, two places our ancestors hail from. 

15. The three and a half years I spent getting my college degree in Sydney, Australia were some of the hardest and happiest of my life. Sometimes I miss Australia so much my chest actually hurts. 

16. I feel more confident and beautiful the older I grow. I hope I continue to feel this way as I age. 

17. I'm addicted to caffeine...you probably already knew that since you've seen mama without coffee. 

18. I absolutely love to alphabetize things but even more I like to put things in color order. You might have noticed this from looking at our bookshelves. It drives Daddy cuckoo. 

19. I used to be pretty alright at shooting pool, and I was even in a billiards league for awhile. 

20. I was the lead singer of a Colorado band called Spankin' Whitey for a few years. We played mainly biker bars and motorcycle events. I loved it. Sometimes I miss it, but would never want to sacrifice valuable time with you and Daddy to do it anymore. 

And there you go! I've started...let's see if I can actually go the 30 days and stick it out!

Good Grief

As I write this, it has been just under a week since my sweet Grandpa succumbed to leukemia after a very short bout.

I was very thankful to be with him the afternoon before he passed and was able to say my final goodbye, as my gut was telling me I wouldn't see him alive again. I am also thankful that he had family there with him right up until the end.

So, a peaceful exit for Grandpa and then let the mourning begin for the rest of us. It is always interesting to see how mourning and grief manifest themselves, especially in my own life. This time, I mostly did a lot of "grief-eating" which is like stress eating except sadder. I also just wanted to sit around and stare...a general malaise, really. Very hard to do when you have a toddler.

Because of hospital visits and drives over to Santa Cruz and generally putting life on hold for the moments at the edge of a family member's death, I began to fear all the things I wasn't getting done in my work life, home life and ministry life. 

Yesterday I had a mini anxiety attack while driving my husband to work. My chest constricted, my stomach nearly had a revolt, and I began to panic and cry. I worried that allowing myself all this time (which was really a couple of days) to grieve, I was losing all my good habits and rhythms I had worked so hard to establish. But surely taking time to grieve is healthy!

I still am struggling with how one grieves while maintaining some sort of rhythm and momentum. Part of me feels that when someone dies, that I kind of want to stop too. Unfortunately, life doesn't allow us stop for long, especially those of us with children and/or jobs (which I'd venture to say is most people). 

I guess it's okay if my momentum is a bit slower and halting of gait as I move ahead with my life while missing my grandpa. The suddenness of his death was shocking and the reality of it has perhaps only begun to sink in.

Rest in peace, Grandpa. You continue to be very loved.

Best/Worst Mother in the World

There've been a few articles and blog posts lately about how easy it is in the age of social media to put your best foot forward and portray only the best of your life and experiences to the virtual world. 

(Look at us, we always have fun and are very excited about everything!!)

Honestly, I don't know how different this is from normal life...I think we all wish to portray our best selves to those around us, and that we do our best to do exactly that from day to day. 

All that to say, I hope I'm not fooling anyone into thinking that because I occasionally hand sew things for my son or request educational toys for his birthdays that I'm some kind of super mom. I think it goes without saying that I am a temperamental redhead with barely a patient bone in my body. Any time I am kind to my son, I truly count that as a feat of the Holy Spirit.

(Look how nice I am when there's a camera on me!)

This morning I was particularly tired and ornery. I shouted at my son and brushed aside his feelings and desires because they seemed foolish or inconvenient to me at the time. I had to give myself a time out; I prayed a desperate prayer for God to make me better or at least help me make it until the kid's nap time so I could take a rest too.

Naptime proved to be a refreshing time for both of us. Calvin woke up from nap very jolly and cute and I had gotten a power nap and break so I was ready to get back in there and be better. Grace abounded.

We got to hang out, take a walk, and eventually make dinner together. At least one "SuperMom" feat I'd like to accomplish is to have my family enjoy cooking together and also to make a habit of sitting down to enjoy the food we've made and revel in the blessing that every meal should be (maybe this is the Italian in me?).

In a world where I feel like the worst mom a bunch of the time, it's kinda nice to feel like maybe I'm getting a few things right, even in the midst of a snappy, grumpy day. For me, the smile on my kid's face as he "paints" olive oil on pitas makes me feel, at least for that moment, that I'm the best mom around!

Hands Off My Toddler

I've been thinking lately about how much fun Calvin's toddlerhood has been (at least for me!) compared to babyhood. Don't get me wrong, I had the cutest, smiliest little chubby baby I could ask for, and I loved nursing him and rocking him and all those other baby things.

But now that he can run around and amuse himself and understand humor and talk a little bit, I'm really starting to feel like the mother of a "kid" instead of a baby. And I've taken what I hope are the appropriate steps backward from the type of mothering that a baby needs as opposed to a toddler.

I've heard that this is kind of a new wave of parenting style, which I'm sure has a pithy name like "Hands Off Parenting" or something. But basically what it means for Calvin and I is that I leave him alone now more often to explore the backyard while I do dishes or work on my laptop in the kitchen (for instance). I'm not checking on him every three seconds like when he was 9 months old and starting to crawl. He can entertain himself for bigger chunks of time. I've even made him a fun backpack so that HE can carry around his diapers and wipes for a change, and I can just carry a regular-sized purse around!

The best part about this is that I can take him more places with me and feel like we are both actually enjoying ourselves and each other. Perhaps this is just me growing into motherhood, I'm not sure. But I am seriously enjoying being the parent of my sweet little two year old!

I'm considering this time a sweet calm before the storm of eventually adding another child to the mix. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it, but we'd like to pull the trigger soon before Calvin (and Mama!) gets too much older. 

Summer Catch-up

I've been MIA with little to say in the past couple months. My brain has been working overtime, but I just haven't had the chance to sit and reflect and write anything down. 

Since late March, my family has dealt with thyroid cancer (all gone now!), IRS audit (still feeling the sting), car troubles (thankfully we had a teensy bit of money left over from the audit!), more cancer cropping up in other family members, adjusting to living with friends, turning 29 (me, that is), taking up seeing again and a bunch of other regular life events! 

I found a fun little way to play catch-up for any interested parties, so here goes!

Listening - to my little one learn his letters, numbers, and a mess of new words! Very cool.

Loving - living with friends, having a cancer-free husband, SEWING!

Thinking - about the amazing sermon I heard this morning, new developments at Ballet SJ, and crafty projects

Wanting - all my friends and family to be magically healthy

Needing - lunch

:)

Until next time!

Somebody to Lean On

As my husband goes into surgery to remove a possibly cancerous mass from his neck and possibly his thyroid, I'm sitting here finally having a little cry in my car. I think it's just because I have not really cried up until now, so a little catharsis is needed.

However, I am not afraid. I feel so loved and supported and upheld in prayer. You might never realize the blessing of the body of Christ until you are led by their love through hard times.

We have some friends watching over our baby for a few nights. We have our friends whom we live with holding down the fort at home and who took us out for a wonderful "last supper" last night. We have a whole gaggle of friends who came over to our house last night to pray with us, plus I know many more thinking of us today and praying for a good outcome. There are friends who I know will come through with meals and childcare should we need it in the coming days. My lovely Auntie Leslie is headed my way with sandwiches and moral support while we wait in the hospital and pray.

Honestly, I'm not that great at caring for others in this way. I have a lot to learn. And although I wouldn't wish health problems on anyone, it has been a wonderful lesson to me as we go through this to see God's hands and feet in action as we are served by His people and by others who wouldn't claim to be His but are being used as a blessing to us as well. I feel better equipped as a Christian to care for others now that I have seen it done well. How's that for a bright side?

I don't know how things will turn out, but I do know everything will be okay. Thanks and love to all, and may God bless you!

Stealing Back Peace

By all accounts, I'm a fairly busy person.

I'm a mom. I could stop right there...it's a full-time job, 24/7, it's all the things you've heard and probably more.

However, I then have quite a few other things going on, including part-time working from home for Ballet San Jose, and a few entrepreneurial pursuits including crocheting made-to-order toys for children and teaching private in-home music classes for toddlers. I've got playdates with Las Madres and also with a group I started for the church mamas.

I'm also a pastor's wife and Worship Lead at Dwell Christian Church in Willow Glen. We just moved into a large house with friends this past weekend, so my life is still in boxes that I'm frantically trying to eradicate.

Like I said...busy!

I try to set aside some time every day to be quiet, to read God's word, to contemplate the mysteries of the universe He created, and to send up small prayers like Anne Lamott's two essentials ("Help me, help me, help me!" and "Thank you!"). It's not much. Nothing like the herculean things I used to try to do in college like get up early before class and do an hour of prayer and bible reading every day...seemed small to me then...boy do times change!

So many things can come along and "steal" the peace I feel when I just stop and take time to be with my God. So sometimes, I have to "steal" it back. I have to steal moments early in the morning by sitting my kid in front of a Signing Time DVD for half an hour while I gulp coffee and hungrily read a few chapters of scripture. I have to steal some quiet in the afternoon while he (thankfully!) naps between eating a bit and doing work for the Ballet to recharge after a morning of play dates and averting mini-disasters.

Yesterday I let the dog and the kid outside to play, brought a kitchen chair out on the deck and did my coffee/bible thing there, listening to the birds and huddling against the chilly breeze. It didn't actually feel overly peaceful at the time, but I prayed a "Help me!" sort of prayer for the day, and indeed, peace followed.

As I follow God, peace follows me, and I am eternally grateful.

"There's a peace I've come to know/ though my heart and flesh may fail.
There's an anchor for my soul/ I can say 'It is well'."- Chris Tomlin, "I Will Rise"

PS While I was Googling "anne lamott two prayers" to remember what they were, I came upon this blog, "There Are No Ordinary Moments", and was struck by how similar her story in this post sounded to my experiences. You might take a moment to read it. Also, apparently Anne Lamott has come out with a new book entitled Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers ... I really like that third one, actually. It's like petition, thanksgiving and worship, all in three little one-word prayers!

Movin' On Up!

So, we signed the lease last night on our shiny new 4 bedroom, 2 bath rental house! Well, it's shiny new to us, anyway. 

Some things I am desperately looking forward to at the new place:

1. My child will have his own room and will not have to live in our living room. 

2. DISHWASHER! Visions of empty sinks dance in my head! And counter space, glorious counter space! And while we're at it...a garbage disposal (no, our current place does not have one...)

3. Washer and dryer that I don't have to put quarters into! 

4. Front yard! Back yard! Covered deck!

5. Fireplace!

6. Not worrying about parking and which day is street sweeping on which side of the street, etc... and hauling my stroller, kid and all my bags up and down three flights of stairs. 

7. Garage with so much storage, and an extra fridge and freezer (good when sharing a place with four adults and a toddler).

Some things that I will actually really miss about this place:

1. Living downtown...right in the heart of it all, two blocks away from my work, easy walking access to pretty much anything I could ever want or need. Close to our downtown church plant. Moving to the suburbs was never really in my plan, but hey...plans change!

2. Living in an old Victorian. Sure, it's quirky and outdated, but it has so much character and charm!

3. My sweet walk-in pantry

4. Claw foot tub

5. Really big bedroom...our bedroom in the new place will literally be for the bed. That's pretty much it.

6. The apartment where we brought home our first born baby boy. There are really good memories here. 

I don't have any photos of the new place to share yet, but I anticipate so many wonderful memories to be made there, too. 

I feel like moving in with friends is one of those things that everyone raises an eyebrow at, putting it on par with discussing religion or politics in mixed company, or co-signing a friend's car loan. However, I feel it is one of those things like when we took our toddler on a cross-country road trip from Nor. Cal. to Denver. People said it couldn't be done! People said it shouldn't be done! People said even if you do it, you won't like it! But you know what?! All those people were wrong! I knew it in my gut then, and I know it now. This is gonna be great. 

And now, to pack!

Musings

Well, I've been neglecting the blog in the New Year again...hard to force myself to come up with witty things to write about, so I just don't. You're welcome, world!

However, there are a few things I've been thinking and musing about. They're a little random.

First on my mind is my poor baby who has a temp of 103.2! Yikes. We've given him meds and I'm trying to get him to hydrate so hopefully that comes down soon.

Secondly, I understand that companies don't want their employees to wear their scary piercings and have visible tattoos and all that, but surely you could let the guy at Michael's keep his giant plugs in his ears. It is WAY more disturbing to see his mangled earlobes swinging around than it would be to see a guy with giant plugs! (I told you this was a random post!)

Lastly and most hugely, I'm thinking about apartments and houses. Specifically, the thought of sharing space with another couple or family. Some people think we're crazy, but I think it could actually work and work well to pool resources and live in community with Christian brothers and sisters.

Also, the thought of being missional and actually living in the community where we have come to do ministry. LUCKILY (ahem, not...) we chose two of the more expensive places in San Jose (downtown and Willow Glen) to do ministry, so that's going well. Ugh.

It's difficult to reconcile being missional and trusting that God will provide with being good stewards of our money that He's already given us and realistic as to what we can actually afford. Balancing faith and reason is always a big struggle.

What about you? Have you ever entertained the thought of communal living? And what do you think about mangled earlobes on Michael's employees? (Just kidding.)

On Being Mother to a Boy.

I've been reading through a collection of essays entitled It's A Boy!, which is a bunch of women writers reflecting on having sons.

It has made me reflect a bit, now that I have been the mother of a son for a whole 18 months (hardly an expert, I know!), on my own feelings on the matter. I was a woman who always wanted sons. I was ecstatic to receive the ultrasound images that revealed I was indeed to bear a son. I don't think I had a lot of hang-ups about bearing a child of the opposite gender to me; on the contrary, I welcomed that otherness!

Truthfully, I have loved pretty much every minute of being the mother of a boy, but probably more rightfully, simply a mother in general. I feel that parenthood has helped me understand who God is more, because I can more truly understand how He loves me as a parent loves their child. Knowing I can never even fathom the greatness of His love for me or for my own son is very humbling, and it inspires in me so much praise and thankfulness and love.

A little story about my baby from today:
Usually at library story time, he will sit in my lap during the songs and stories, transfixed and rarely moving except to clap after a song. Today I asked him if he wanted to get up and dance, and he stood up and started "singing" along, clapping, doing the movements, etc..., all in his little measured, engineer-y way. I was grinning from ear to ear and laugh-crying through it all.

I was trying to understand why my heart was so full in that moment. Maybe because he was doing something that I loved to do (artsy stuff like dancing and singing) and that I value. Perhaps it was that I have seen him go from weeks of carefully observing to have the courage to stand up and do. Or is it just that I adore pretty much every little thing he does? I don't really know.

Who can explain love? It just is. I simply love my sensitive, inquisitive, happy, smart little boy!

A New Year!

Well, hello 2013!

Despite the fact that I was quite ill over New Year's Eve (not alcohol related, I feel compelled to mention), I am, like the good American I am, hopeful and optimistic about this coming year.

I was really happy to come from vacation and find all the Christmas cards in the mail that we missed receiving. I actually really like to read people's "Year in Review" letters that they write! I was a little sad I didn't take the time to do Christmas cards or a letter, so I'm making up for it a bit with this post.

A very quick review of 2012 -

January - We opened the New Year in Colorado. I got to see Shar and Mike! I start to come to grips with being a stay-at-home mother to my beautiful boy.
February - Just when I come to grips with that, I get hired back part-time at Ballet San Jose in the newly minted Education and Outreach Department. I love, love, love Ballet San Jose, so although slightly overwhelmed with even the small workload this brings, I am thrilled. Also, this month our friend Glori Helveston was born, so I was doing a lot of rejoicing.
March - The baby and I take a trip, sans Dad, to Texas to visit my three sisters and a bunch of the cousins. Too much fun, although we missed Dad a lot!
April - Baby's first Easter, his first birthday party invitation (Kayna!), we happily joined the cult of Costco, I finished all three Hunger Games books.
May - I turned 28 without too much freaking out and had my first "official" Mother's Day.
June - The baby got Roseola while also teething (nightmare), we took a family trip to Santa Barbara, and I started creating and selling crocheted cupcakes! Also UEFA 2012 was on, so we watched a lot of soccer.
July - I initiated a "church gals" night out. I led music at my very first VBS. We got to see the Heims for some precious hours at SFO. My baby turned a year old and had the birthday bash to end all bashes with his best friend Sam, plus we went to at least two other birthday parties for Jadon and Abby.
August - A short trip to CO to watch Beth and Tom get married and see the baby's grandparents and Auntie Aims. Willow Glen Baptist Church + City Church + CRC became Dwell Christian Church. The baby starts walking! Chris and I celebrate 4 years of marriage.
September - Football starts again, and I do much rejoicing. The baby gets croup, and I do much mourning. We visit the aquarium, a farm, Savers, the mall. Erin and I go to the opera.
October - Visited the Children's Discovery Museum with our friends Tyler and Keri, the baby drags us through some decidedly un-wonderful "wonder weeks", Baby Lillian (Sam's little sister) makes her way into the world, and Dwell Harvest Carnival with my pirate husband and tiger baby.
I blogged through the month of November, so that's pretty well documented.
December - One of my best friends from high school had her baby Emmy, we found out Tia and JohnE Kim will have a boy next year, we spent a lot of time in the car to and from CO, a wonderful Christmas, great time with family, a rockin' NYE celebration with our wonderful friends, the Levins.

We are truly blessed!

So here we are on New Years Day. I sort of cringe at resolutions, but really, they are a good idea all year 'round. So if I were forced to say, I would assert the following:

- I resolve to read my Bible more and spend more time in prayer. I have been egregiously neglecting alone time with my God. Having a small child is really no excuse.
- I want to become even more organized in terms of baby and house.
- I want to be the best Education and Outreach Assistant I can be at Ballet San Jose.
- Praying throughout this year for the future of God's church at Dwell, possibly thinking about attempting another kiddo, and therefore possibly another place to call home in this big, expensive town.

So much to think about and look forward to. So much to thank God for. So many new reasons to praise Him and new opportunities to trust Him completely.

Bring it on, 2013!